


someday (the night is not cold)

by enpleurs



Category: VIXX
Genre: Canon, M/M, You're Welcome, also: platonic n/leo, i am sorry for everything but i'm most sorry for the length, suggested soundtrack: heaven｜destiny love｜love equation｜thank you for your love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-09 23:15:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 54,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10423980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enpleurs/pseuds/enpleurs
Summary: If there were moments in life that one could assign more importance to, then there were always moments, fleeting and inconsequential as they might seem, life would choose to assign importance to. Moments that were quiet and easily forgotten, lost amidst the momentous, the firsts, the ones that stood stark in memory.And it is in these moments that Taekwoon grows up, and it is in these moments that Taekwoon looks up and sees the world and the people around him.(Alternatively, the one where Leo-hyung pets Ken on the head a lot and calls him cute even if Ken might be annoying him, or n times keo shared a bed platonically and 1 time they shared a bed platonically.)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [kpopolymfics2017](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/kpopolymfics2017) collection. 



> Originally written for Olymfics 2017, team canon :)

 

 

 

 

If there were moments in life that one could assign more importance to, then there were always moments, fleeting and inconsequential as they might seem, life would choose to assign importance to. Moments that were quiet and easily forgotten, lost amidst the momentous, the firsts, the ones that stood stark in memory. And then there were the moments that would've been forgotten had they not happened to have been captured in the lens of a camera, to be assumed important by virtue of their longevity.

But then there were the shuttering of camera lens, bursts of still shots from which only a handful would be chosen out of hundreds and thousands, and it was a sound that would always greet them when they returned home, walking through the glass doors of Incheon airport and to their waiting vans. They made a striking image with their long legs, their handsome profiles—no longer the unsure, scrawny rookies back from their first trip to Baltimore, virtually unknown in their colourful image. Now they were first place singers coming home from Warsaw, the end of a long concert tour and stretches abroad, a comeback just on the horizon. 

Jaehwan claimed the seat next to him and Taekwoon gave him a passing glance before he put his headphones over his ears, letting his head fall against the side of the window. First place singers—a title they _had_ to claim again, and the challenge made anticipation bubble under Taekwoon's skin, even if all Taekwoon wanted to do right now was sleep.

"Hyung, you slept on the entire flight," Jaehwan was saying beside him. "You're sleeping again?"

"Go bother Hakyeon," Taekwoon murmured, eyes stubbornly shut. 

"He's in a bad mood," Jaehwan muttered under his breath and Taekwoon could see the pout on Jaehwan's face without needing to open his eyes.

"I am not!" Hakyeon protested loudly from the front seat—Taekwoon turned up his music.

It was Jaehwan who shook him awake when they arrived. He clambered out of the van and towards the elevator, body unsure of the time. Bags and suitcases were claimed and Taekwoon watched as Jaehwan ran off to sit on Sanghyuk's suitcase and Hongbin groaned, fleeing from Hakyeon. Their managers looked like they wanted to be anywhere but supervising overgrown children; Taekwoon shared a sympathetic look with them.

By the time they'd made it to the dorm two minutes later, Hongbin and Hakyeon were already bickering about something while Sanghyuk mediated by fanning the flames even further, and Taekwoon wondered where they had the energy.

"We have recording tomorrow," he reminded them as he kicked off his shoes, making a beeline to the couch. He passed Hakyeon who only looked at him without saying a word, although his eyes followed Taekwoon across the dorm. He thought he heard Jaehwan make a comment about how Taekwoon was being unnecessarily grumpy—Taekwoon was too tired to care. The kids were finally settling down, although Taekwoon knew without a doubt that come a few hours, they'd be rowdy again, either arguing about something trivial or because Jaehwan had come up with yet another unfunny gag.

He really ought to change first, out of his jeans and into his sweats—he settled for shrugging off his jacket and dragging it over himself like a blanket.

By the time Taekwoon was awoken by a crash from the kitchen, it was night. Night in Seoul at least. He stumbled towards the kitchen, already dreading what damage he'd find when he saw Sanghyuk's lanky shadow.

"Um." Sanghyuk blinked, holding up a pot lid. "I was trying to make ramyun?"

"He didn't break anything!" Jaehwan piped up from beside him. He picked up the dropped pot from a sopping wet puddle on the floor of the kitchen, before making an exaggeratedly sad face at Sanghyuk. "Except my heart, how cruel."

"Are you being mean to our baby?" Hakyeon swooped in from who knew where, scooping Sanghyuk into a hug. Briefly, his eyes passed over Taekwoon standing in the hall but it was the only acknowledgement he received.

"But our Hyogi wouldn't make me ramyun too," Jaehwan whined. Sanghyuk had finally managed to disentangle himself from Hakyeon and was hiding behind Jaehwan now, as overgrown as he was.

Just watching them exhausted him.

He pushed past Hakyeon to get the paper towels, dropping a pile of them on the floor.

"Clean it up," Taekwoon said to Jaehwan. "I'm going to shower."

"But Hyuk's the one who dropped it!" Jaehwan said, at the same time Sanghyuk protested that he wouldn't have if Jaehwan hadn't been bothering him. Taekwoon shot him a look and Jaehwan instantly shut up.

"Sorry," Jaehwan said. "I'll clean it up."

Taekwoon turned to go back—something made him pause. "Good night," he said quietly.

"Night, hyung," both Jaehwan and Sanghyuk chimed, but Taekwoon still hesitated for a step.

"Sleep well," Hakyeon said—Taekwoon nodded, and left for the shower.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

The days leading up to comeback were always tense and tempers grew short as their sleep grew less. It'd started even before their concert tour had finished, a slow, simmering pot of trouble that was inevitable and all of them knew it. It didn't stop them from being themselves most of the time—Hakyeon could verbally flay Jaehwan for being too obnoxious and Jaehwan could go back to being equally obnoxious the next day. The worst was when Hongbin and Wonsik fought—less frequently, but when they did, it was noticeable for days. Taekwoon knew that he got grumpier—he hated dieting, and hated it more when others weren't. Once, he'd kicked Sanghyuk so hard that the bruise hadn't faded for over a week and Sanghyuk had avoided him for even longer, except to talk to him cheerily for VIXX TV.

Taekwoon rather thought that he'd learned to manage his temper better since then.

Error. Cyborgs. He had a lot of parts this time—because he hadn't during Eternity. He hadn't minded; Full House meant that he'd been busy and he'd liked it. It was good—Jaehwan and the others did well, and it'd been good to see.

"What are you thinking?"

Taekwoon looked up as Hakyeon sat down beside him as if being summoned by Taekwoon's thoughts, looping an arm around his shoulder. Taekwoon shoved him away, shaking him off.

About how well the kids are doing, he thought. "You're annoying," he said. It was a rote response by now and Taekwoon was too distracted, watching the kids goof around while Wonsik was shooting his solo part.

"Do you really think so?" Hakyeon asked.

Taekwoon nodded absentmindedly. Jaehwan was miming a golf club for some reason that Taekwoon couldn't fathom, while Sanghyuk was playing along, clapping as if Jaehwan had just made a particularly good shot.

"Do you think we'll win?" Taekwoon asked. The question settled heavily within him, pressuring him. He didn't like to admit it, but it did—would their best be enough, but also, would he be satisfied having given what he thought was their best if they didn't win.

"Isn't it better we just focus on working hard?" Hakyeon said. He paused, and Taekwoon glanced at him briefly. Hakyeon met his eyes with a twitch of a smile. "Yes."

How are you so confident, Taekwoon wanted to ask. Instead, he flicked at some dust on his pants. When he looked up Jaehwan was all but flying at them. Taekwoon shuffled aside a little in alarm, letting Jaehwan slide next to Hakyeon.

"Hyung, they said we're going to film soon," Jaehwan said. "The group dance!"

"Shouldn't you be practicing?" Taekwoon asked. His eyes narrowed at Jaehwan, and Jaehwan's lips tightened as he glanced quickly away. He didn't protest Taekwoon's words—he did protest when Hakyeon hit him on the back of the neck.

"I practiced a lot yesterday," Jaehwan whined, like yesterday hadn't been bare hours ago and Jaehwan was still fucking up on their point move, of all things. They'd been awake for twenty six hours and Wonsik had been helping Jaehwan as they'd all bled exhaustion; Taekwoon leaning against the wall, Sanghyuk in another corner, Hakyeon lying on his stomach with his face on Hongbin's lap and Hongbin hadn't even pushed Hakyeon away. Jaehwan had looked close to tears when Taekwoon had stood up, said that they'd run it through as a group once more and then Jaehwan could practice by himself until he got it, said that Jaehwan should've spent less time goofing off. A few bare hours of sleep and here Jaehwan was again, and Taekwoon fought back the urge to sigh as Jaehwan turned the corners of his mouth dramatically down at Hakyeon before he jumped to his feet and ran off to corral the rest of the members, obnoxiously loud as he always was.

"He has a lot of energy," Hakyeon said, laughing.

Taekwoon was already standing, heading towards the filming set. He nodded. Jaehwan was doing a very good impression of an airplane poised for a failed take-off, Taekwoon supposed, chasing Hongbin around the set.

"They should save it," Taekwoon said.

"You like it," Hakyeon teased. "We all know you do."

It was Taekwoon's turn to hit Hakyeon's neck, shooting him a glare. "Noisy," was all he said, leaving Hakyeon to whine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon hesitated for a moment before he walked over to Hakyeon, curled up against the wall, watching something on his cellphone. He stood there for several seconds before Hakyeon glanced up.

"Taekwoon?" Hakyeon frowned as he tugged out his earbuds. He stared at Taekwoon, even as Taekwoon stared back at him. Hakyeon sighed as he got to his feet, shaking out stiff muscles as he did so. Without waiting, Taekwoon headed towards the door, fetching his jacket, making a brief, furtive stop in the kitchen.

They said nothing as they walked out into the cold, huddled into their jackets. It was a tired kind of night and they ought to both have been sleeping, but it had also been a restless kind of night, too restless for all of them.

"Where are we going?" Five minutes perhaps, before Hakyeon asked, five minutes of walking a way they normally did not walk when Hakyeon came out with Taekwoon in search of a midnight snack.

Taekwoon shrugged, hands tucked into his pockets. "Somewhere quieter," he said. This drew a small laugh from Hakyeon, a little dry. His boots clicked against the ground, firm and sure as they walked. Taekwoon led them to the park, enough of a ways off that the dorm seemed to be part of another world. There was no one there—past midnight, it was hard to imagine there would be. He glanced around them for a moment before he made straight for the bench, Hakyeon trailing behind with a small sigh. The bench creaked softly under their weight as they sat and Taekwoon took a deep breath of the cool night air, crisp with the smell of late autumn.

All this time, Hakyeon had been silent. Taekwoon could feel his eyes on him every now and then, but his words were spare. Slowly, Taekwoon unbuttoned his jacket and reached into his pockets—he handed one of the breads to Hakyeon and kept one for himself.

"Taekwoon." Hakyeon sighed, and Taekwoon stiffened a little defensively.

"You don't want it?" Taekwoon asked. Hakyeon snorted a laugh, shaking his head as he ripped open the packaging anyway. A small smile quirked at Taekwoon's lips. "It's Jaehwan's."

"I know," Hakyeon said. He smiled at Taekwoon, a little sly, and Taekwoon's lips curled into a grin, playful and mischievous even if he himself did not note it. But it didn't last long, and Taekwoon focussed on tearing open the packaging and then into the bread, until there were only crumbs left. Hakyeon, Taekwoon noticed, had barely eaten any of his.

Words played at the tip of Taekwoon's tongue; he swallowed them but they formed again, a little more insistent for all that they had been playing at his thoughts recently. He bit at his lip, wetting them with his tongue. Even though it was night, there always seemed to be some faint light coming from somewhere, and the world was a world of shadows.

"Are you mad?" Taekwoon asked. The words were soft, a shadow in itself. A pause. "At me?"

There was a slight breeze, a light wind, and it ought to have been a scene from a drama, a movie, the way the swing swayed without a human touch, the hinges making soft sounds as metal rubbed against metal. Taekwoon glanced at Hakyeon, quick and brief and fleeting, just long enough to know that Hakyeon, too, was staring at the swing.

"You are," Taekwoon said. The words came out too fast—the sinking in his stomach too sudden.

Just as sudden was Hakyeon's sound of surprise as he jerked about to face Taekwoon. "No," he said. "Why—oh, I see," Hakyeon laughed softly at Taekwoon's expression, but his own expression soon grew solemn again, although almost contently so. "You asked me that before, once," Hakyeon said.

Taekwoon frowned as he searched through his memory but came up blank—whether it was because there ought to have been more than once, or because he couldn't remember even the once, he couldn't know. His frown must've been answer enough because Hakyeon patted his thigh.

"I was," Hakyeon said. "I don't remember why, but I was."

"When?"

Another laugh, and then another breath of silence. "How many years has it been?" Hakyeon murmured. "Three? Four?"

Taekwoon couldn't help his small sound of surprise, a breath, really, rather than anything that had been given voice. "Oh," he said, after.

Hakyeon hummed, some sort of acknowledgement of his response. He took a bite of bread again and Taekwoon fiddled with his fingers. There was only the sound of the swing again, although it was a faint, faint sound as the wind blew intermittent and light. It was joined by the crinkling of an aluminum bag; Taekwoon was a little surprised it'd made the journey tucked inside of his jacket, silent. Hakyeon glanced at him, frowning—frown only deepening when Taekwoon held out the wrinkled green bag in a conciliatory gesture.

"Taekwoon," Hakyeon said, and it was almost resigned.

"I was hungry," Taekwoon said. He picked out an onion ring and bit at it, leaving the bag in his lap.

"Well I suppose we're done filming," Hakyeon said. "It'll be alright to look a little bloated."

"What does it matter, I just want to sing," Taekwoon said, but it was a tired answer that had long since ceased to be the truth. But they had known each other long enough that Hakyeon remembered a time when to Taekwoon, that had been the truth. It had been the truth in so many ways, especially when it became painfully clear that Taekwoon, in so many ways, was not made up of the material that turned into _idol_. It hadn't mattered, in the end. They'd let him be, and it had ended up fine.

But for Taekwoon, even as the words had not yet left his mouth, they already left rough scrapes against his throat, his tongue, and he clamped his lips shut, cheeks tightening, staring blankly out into the distance.

"I'm not mad," Hakyeon said gently, as if he were reassuring Taekwoon having asked the question again, even though he had not. "And most certainly not at you." He sighed, slumping a little against the bench. Taekwoon hadn't noticed when Hakyeon had finished his bread—he didn't notice until there was a hand in front of him, reaching blindly into the bag. Two onion rings were hooked about Hakyeon's fingers when he pulled his hand back, and he stared at them absentmindedly for a moment.

He sighed again and gave Taekwoon a small smile. "My lifelong friend," he said. "The only one I don't have to worry about being hyung and leader to."

"Is it hard, being leader?"

"It's hard being _your_ leader," Hakyeon said, mock darkly, and then immediately seemed to take it back as he shook his head. "VIXX, I meant—sometimes. You could be kinder to me, and you all know that."

"It's for fun," Taekwoon said. "You know the kids like you."

"And you?" Hakyeon asked, teasing.

Taekwoon hit him in the shoulder in answer, their quarters too tight to dodge—just as Taekwoon didn't dodge the firm chop at the back of his neck that he deserved, he supposed.

"You're noisy," Taekwoon said, after sighing heavily. "You're _all_ noisy."

"We have to be, to make up for someone," Hakyeon said. It wasn't quite a scolding, but nor was it entirely free of a second meaning, and Taekwoon found himself shaking his head for no reason. Hakyeon either did not notice, or he chose not to notice, because he paid Taekwoon no mind.

"You know," Hakyeon said, and then he paused—hesitant, so hesitant. It sent Taekwoon's focus flaring towards him, even if he made no outward movement. "It's alright to ask for help, sometimes."

Taekwoon might've startled had he not been holding himself so tightly, holding onto Hakyeon's words so tightly. Instead, he held out the bag of onion rings to Hakyeon again, and this time, Hakyeon took the entire bag, placing it on his lap. The wind had died down at some point but even without it, the night had grown cold. Taekwoon shifted closer to Hakyeon, mere centimeters, enough to rest his head against Hakyeon's shoulder.

There was the sound of crunching, the shifting, jerky motions that accompanied Hakyeon's eating and Taekwoon settled himself in it. He thought about wrapping his arms around Hakyeon, about holding him tight, whether to warm Hakyeon or to warm himself—but he didn't. Not when Hakyeon stood, dislodging Taekwoon who looked up at him with slightly bewildered, blinking eyes.

"Let's go back," Hakyeon said. "If that's everything."

Taekwoon nodded, although he hadn't yet gotten to his feet. "Do you think the kids will be sleeping?" he asked. Hakyeon simply patted him on the shoulder and crumpled the now empty snack bag in his hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

The time to comeback seemed to flash by in the blink of an eye, and with their makeup done and hair styled, rehearsal complete, they were in their waiting room—their own waiting room, something that Taekwoon was still thankful for every day—with the knowledge that they'd once again been nominated for Top 10. That they once again might win. He wanted it more than anything and he knew he wasn't alone.

They were filming for VIXX TV2, Sanghyuk, Jaehwan, and Hongbin taking turns holding the camera as they went around to the other members, collecting first place pledges and their thoughts. He never understood the point of their own camera—the shots were always too shaky, too messy, and so few of them made it into the final cut. But it made it their own, Taekwoon supposed, and that was equally important.

It was good, Taekwoon thought, this passing of the 'MC' role from Hakyeon and Wonsik to the other three. They'd grown a lot since they'd first started VIXX TV—especially Sanghyuk, but all of them. Some part of him was sharply aware that he was the only one who'd never been the MC and the thought always spurred a small jolt of irrational jealousy. Especially of Jaehwan, who seemed to be able to say anything and everything that came to mind—always odd, not always funny, with no way to know what he was thinking. But he rounded out VIXX as a team, just like all of them did. Hakyeon's confidence, Wonsik's steadiness, Hongbin's curt words and Sanghyuk's eternal role of the maknae, even though he'd grown tall and big and was more brusque than sweet and cute. Taekwoon's only contribution was his voice and now maybe his music—and he was satisfied with that. But sometimes, looking at Jaehwan, he wished he could have his spontaneity.

"Hyung! It's your turn!" Taekwoon looked up from his phone to see Jaehwan and Hongbin come towards him, camera in tow.

"Your first place pledge," Hongbin said, smiling brightly. They sat down on the couch next to Taekwoon, one on either side.

Taekwoon's tongue flickered against his lips unthinkingly as he frowned.

"What should I do?" Taekwoon asked Jaehwan.

Jaehwan hummed, thoughtfully. "Something you'd never do," he said, grinning. "It makes it more fun. You know they'll air this, right, so if you don't do it, all the fans will know, and you can't let the fans down!"

Taekwoon pressed his lips together, thinking, but before he had a chance to really think, Jaehwan already had the camera up.

"Tell us your feelings about Top 10!" Jaehwan said.

Taekwoon nodded to himself. "I'm happy," he said. "I'm very thankful to our fans, because it's because of them that made us be Top 10 candidates." He nodded again.

"First place pledge!" Jaehwan followed up. He glanced at Taekwoon and grinned, before looking back to the camera.

Taekwoon hesitated, unthinkingly pursing his lips as he glanced around the waiting room. Something he'd never do—"If we win first place," he said slowly, acutely aware of Jaehwan's expectation beside him and Hongbin on his other side. "I'll pose like a cat on stage," he said, unable to come up with anything else, his mind blanking out. He forced the words out before he could take them back. Well, he'd already done it live on camera last night. Even if it'd killed him.

Hongbin burst out laughing and Jaehwan ooohed, and Taekwoon hoped he wasn't turning red.

"That's a good one," Hongbin said.

"I can't wait," Jaehwan said, grinning at Taekwoon. "Okay, you're done! Shoo!"

"Is that any way to speak to your hyung?" Taekwoon asked, rapping Jaehwan on the head. Jaehwan made a crying face and Taekwoon quickly got up and out of the way. He regretted it already.

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

He regretted it even more when he found out later that Hongbin's pledge had been to sit on his back as he posed as a cat. His dongsaengs were all horrible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Sometimes I do wonder if I need to meddle less," Hakyeon said.

Taekwoon glanced up from the shrimp crackers, playing with one between his fingers as someone might play with a cigarette. He popped it into his mouth before looking at Hakyeon.

"You do," Taekwoon said flatly, the cracker tucked into his cheek until he'd finished talking. Hakyeon mimed hitting him but didn't follow through. His hands were cold, late autumn night as it was. There was the sense of a lull, the first moment of a few days of relative rest before another round of music show rehearsals and filming. Jaehwan was off for his drama, had left as soon as they'd finished recording, and Wonsik was off in his workroom again.

Hakyeon laughed a little, leaning back on the heels of his hands. "But you're all growing away," he said. His expression twisted, wry. "Even you don't need me so much anymore."

"Even me?" Taekwoon narrowed his eyes at Hakyeon.

"Even you," Hakyeon said firmly, nodding. Taekwoon sighed deeply.

"I never needed you," Taekwoon said, drawing a loud laugh from Hakyeon this time. "You decided I needed you."

"Because it was true," Hakyeon said. "Who else was going to get you camera time?"

"I don't want camera time," Taekwoon said, and it was only half a truth now, although the truth had ebbed and flowed through the years. He chewed on another cracker and held the bag out to Hakyeon in an afterthought. Hakyeon shook his head.

"You're so much more comfortable now," Hakyeon murmured. "So much less scared."

"I was never scared," Taekwoon said and that was firmly a truth. Discomfort and apprehension were not the same thing as fear.

Hakyeon hummed. "We used to do this all the time," he said. "Even after we debuted. What happened, I wonder—is it because we had less things we needed to talk about, or because we had less things to say?"

"Because we're busy," Taekwoon said and Hakyeon laughed in agreement.

"That we are," he said. He ran a hand through his hair, dark red and strangely short. "We have those showcases in America in a few weeks too, don't we. We still need to tidy the stages up for that—sometime this week? Was that it?"

Taekwoon shrugged, knowing that Hakyeon was right. Hakyeon was always right when it came to their schedules.

"We won, by the way," Hakyeon said and Taekwoon frowned at that, unsure. Hakyeon gave him a small smile. "You don't remember? You asked if I thought we'd win and I said yes, and then you asked me how I was so confident—I'm confident because we're VIXX. If I'm not confident in VIXX, who will be?"

Taekwoon grabbed two crackers, handing them both to Hakyeon. "Starlights," he said quietly. "They're always so confident in us."

"We've changed so much," Hakyeon said wryly, then sighed. "Does being first place singers make such a difference? Or is it just because we've become more comfortable—don't you ever think about these things?" He paused, waiting for an answer from Taekwoon that he knew wouldn't come. "We used to talk about these things together, but now we talk about them to cameras and interviews—well, I guess I can't talk, I do the same thing don't I, although you probably don't even watch them."

"I do. Sometimes."

"Cute," Hakyeon laughed, and Taekwoon reached over to strangle him.

"If you watch, what do I say?"

Taekwoon pursed his lips as he shrugged, a small motion that ought to have gone unnoticed.

"Even you think you're pathetic sometimes," he said. He caught his lip between his teeth as he thought. "You get annoying when you think we're getting distant."

" _That's_ what you remember?" Hakyeon asked.

"That you learn more from watching us than talking to us," Taekwoon said, lips quirking a little as he said this.

Hakyeon laughed. "Well, I said that just now too. Although I guess that proves my point doesn't it, that you already knew."

The sound of relative silence fell over them again and Taekwoon continued snacking on the shrimp crackers. He wasn't _supposed_ to be, which was why him and Hakyeon had gone on a walk, but they all knew where he was and what he was doing. Not the shrimp crackers exactly, but.

"Do you think I meddle too much?" Hakyeon asked, and it was back to this—Taekwoon blinked at him, answer enough. Hakyeon huffed. "I don't know why I bother asking you—I don't know why I bother asking any of you. Really, all of you...sometimes I think, it's because I can't let go of it? You all think I meddle too much—only it's for real now isn't it? We've all changed."

"You haven't," Taekwoon said, shrugging. "You still talk a lot."

"Do I?" Hakyeon said, mock surprised. "I didn't notice."

Taekwoon shook his head and couldn't help the breath of laughter that followed.

"No," Hakyeon said softly, as if Taekwoon hadn't interrupted, "I've changed too. Don't you think so?"

"Are you fishing for a compliment?"

"I'm trying to be serious here," Hakyeon said, mouth pressed into a flat line.

Taekwoon caught his lower lip between his teeth as he stared into the night. "I guess," he finally said. But he knew that there were words on the edge of Hakyeon's tongue, that somewhere through this conversation, Hakyeon had decided what he wanted to say and was about to say it.

"That's all you have to say?" Hakyeon said with a laugh of disbelief. He shook his head again, almost fondly. "I don't know if I'll be able to, but I promise I'll try to give all of you more room—even if I don't want to as a hyung, it's what's best for you all as a leader, isn't it?"

"All my baby birds leaving the nest," Hakyeon added after a moment. "It really is for the better."

"I think it's normal," Taekwoon said. He glanced at Hakyeon who was still watching him. "For it to be hard to let go. But it's not growing away, I think it's growing up. Whether it's the kids or you or me, it's the natural thing that happens and we've had a lot of good things happen—but we had a lot of good things happen in the past too. We're not going anywhere either, Hakyeon, and..."

Taekwoon trailed off, biting at his lip again. He fiddled with the aluminum bag on his lap, the sound crinkling loudly through his own silence.

"You are annoying," Taekwoon finally said after a long moment. "And it would be good to be less annoying."

Hakyeon let out a sharp bark of laughter.

"But," Taekwoon quickly said before Hakyeon could launch into another tirade, "it's not always bad."

There was a hand on his leg and Hakyeon leaning against his shoulder, and Taekwoon couldn't find it in him to push him away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

If the time leading up to comeback had seemed to pass quickly, comeback itself seemed to disappear even faster and Taekwoon clung to each stage preciously, knowing that as each one ended, it would never come back. For all that Hakyeon had said they'd win—Taekwoon knew that Hakyeon never expected it and could only hope. For all that Taekwoon had learned not to cry, he'd never lose the thankfulness or jump of surprise when it was their name that was announced. And there was the kids' excitement—a prize in itself. He smiled fondly as Jaehwan doubled back when he saw the camera each time and as Hongbin proudly waved the trophy. They'd worked so hard, every one of them.

And so it was with a surge of happiness when they were told that they'd been picked for the next season of One Fine Day. Vacation might as well have been a foreign concept as much as they were asked about it for interviews—and Taekwoon knew that even with the cameras, the kids would enjoy it. Maybe even more, in the case of some of them. Hakyeon. Jaehwan.

They deserved it. Jaehwan had been filming for Boarding House No 24 even through comeback, although it was finally over. Hakyeon had started filming for his drama on top of everything else he did, taking care of the kids as the leader. And then there were the radio shows but other than Weekly Idol—

Taekwoon pushed away that thought.

"Ah, it's just for broadcast!" Hongbin had said afterwards, patting Hakyeon on the back.

"Hey! I didn't say that," Sanghyuk had said, grinning cheerfully—and then sprinting away when Hakyeon lunged towards him with a neck chop.

"Just say I'm not your leader one more time," Hakyeon growled, finally catching up to Sanghyuk. He grabbed Sanghyuk by the neck, pinching him.

"Okay, okay," Sanghyuk said, squirming away. "You're a really good leader—not!"

Taekwoon had snorted, shaking his head. It'd been strange, filming. Taekwoon hadn't expected it. He didn't think he'd ever been so flustered in his life, so caught off guard—and it'd all been caught on camera.

The thought of Hakyeon not as leader, but him as leader—that in itself was enough to send him into mild panic. But as much as the hosts had been hard on him—Taekwoon had watched with mild alarm as they'd doubled down on Hakyeon. It'd been a split moment's thought, choosing 4Men's song without hesitation when they'd asked him to sing. _I need you_ he meant, glancing at Hakyeon—but then the moment was over and Taekwoon wished the ground could swallow him.

But Taekwoon had been sure it'd be edited out, his parts, like they always were. They weren't. He didn't hear about the writer who'd complained about writing the captions for his part until the entire thing had blown up and the guilt had settled deep within him—had they all struggled to write captions for his parts, the writers of all their shows? And, was it really worth resigning over? Taekwoon had wanted to find the writer, had wanted to apologise to her, but the CEO had stopped him—it was up to each person to take responsibility for their actions, he said, and it was better for Taekwoon to act himself on camera than someone he wasn't. And so, Taekwoon had stayed silent.

But he was determined to do better.

"We haven't settled on where to film yet," the production crew said, as they'd gathered for a planning meeting for One Fine Day. "Do you have any suggestions?"

"Jeju." Hakyeon had spoken without hesitation and Taekwoon glanced at him.

The others immediately began clamouring with their own suggestions and the PD laughed. "That's good, that's good," he said. "Have that enthusiasm when we film."

"So?" the kids asked, after the meeting was over.

"We'll let you know soon," the producer had said. A few days later, when they knew they were going to Jeju, Hakyeon had smiled, satisfied.

"Why Jeju?" Taekwoon had asked.

"Because of the fans," Hakyeon said. He'd smiled, then, one of those truly heartfelt smiles. Taekwoon hadn't understood and his silence as he'd stared at Hakyeon was enough for Hakyeon to know. "You'll find out later," Hakyeon said. "If you watch. It'll be broadcast."

Taekwoon had all but forgotten about it, immersed as he'd been in their last few stages. It wasn't until the One Fine Day filming crew had shown up outside of their waiting room just before their last Error stage that he remembered. A hum of excitement ran through him that he put on pause just long enough for the stage and that resumed as soon as they'd gone back to their waiting room, the camera in tow.

Director Myeongchul had showed up as planned and Taekwoon sat back as Hakyeon and the kids threw out vacation ideas, just as they'd done at the meeting.

"Home," Taekwoon said, knowing he should contribute something; he startled when the kids surged towards him. They were going to Jeju anyway—he couldn't help the slight smile when Hakyeon said as much. He trailed Hakyeon out when he left, to let the kids fight among themselves to go anywhere _but_ Jeju, all of them knowing that was where they'd go anyway.

"When do you think we're going?" Taekwoon asked. "Did they tell you?"

"Next few days," Hakyeon said. He dragged a hand down his face, suddenly looking horribly tired. He gave Taekwoon a small smile. "Why? Are you excited? Are you ready to play? I bet you can't wait, right?"

You look like you need rest. Don't you have filming in the next few days? It's not really vacation, it's still work. "No," Taekwoon said. "Whenever is good."

"You're no fun," Hakyeon said, and laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon truly wasn't expecting it, being hauled up at five thirty the day after they'd been told 'we're not telling you when you're going, so it'll be a surprise.'

"Up, up, up!" Hakyeon yelled. "Go get Wonsik," he told Sanghyuk before turning to Taekwoon. "Make sure Jaehwan doesn't take too long, I know he hasn't packed yet either. Have you?"

Taekwoon nodded, too asleep to say anything else. A few sets of clothes, a few packs of snacks, the charger for his phone, toiletries.

"Already? Already?" Jaehwan kept mumbling as he tossed things into his suitcase, while Taekwoon leaned against the wall, having washed up first. "Why didn't they tell us sooner, it's too early for this bullshit, why is the flight leaving at nine, hyung you can stop watching me I'm not a kid," Jaehwan rattled off, his mouth seemingly not tired in the slightest.

"Just hurry," Taekwoon said. For all that Jaehwan was complaining, he knew that by they time they were out the door, he'd be all but bounding in excitement. Probably sooner. Once the kids had gotten together, they'd get excited by themselves.

"Hyung, did you already pack? How did you know? Hyunngggggg," Jaehwan whined, turning his most pitiful puppy eyes on Taekwoon.

Taekwoon narrowed his eyes and then shook his head. "Do you really need that?" he asked, pointing at the neck pillow he'd stuffed in. "You always forget to take it out."

"I won't," Jaehwan said. He pouted and continued to muse over his closet.

In the other room, Sanghyuk had finally pried Wonsik awake as well and Taekwoon wandered back into the main room where Hakyeon was tapping his foot impatiently.

"Is Jaehwan ready?" Hakyeon demanded. Taekwoon shrugged, shaking his head. "It's cold! Make sure they all have jackets!"

"They have jackets," Taekwoon said flatly. He lay down on the couch, catching a few last moments of sleep as the stragglers yelled through walls, trying to figure out where things were. It was almost six thirty by the time they were all finally out the door, ready to film.

"Shit, it's cold," Jaehwan whined.

"Stop complaining, brat," Hakyeon warned, but he too was shivering.

Hongbin was buried in his scarf and he rolled his eyes at them as they moved into view of the cameras, still complaining about how cold it was, like they didn't all know it was cold. Of course it was cold. They didn't have to tell everyone it was cold. And early. Cold and early.

But at least their antics for the camera weren't a lie; Taekwoon watched as Jaehwan unzipped his jacket to declare it wasn't cold, before quickly doing it back up. If he caught cold, it'd be his own fault. Airport. Ten thousand won. Three teams. Rock paper scissors.

Taekwoon stared down at their hands—it took him a good second of looking at Jaehwan's 'scissors' to remember that he'd thrown down scissors as well.

"Okay, okay," Jaehwan said immediately. Taekwoon glanced at him. If Jaehwan was uncomfortable with the situation, it didn’t show on his face—or if it did, it was hidden under his frozen red nose and cheeks. Jaehwan would have to work hard, to make up for all that Taekwoon couldn't do. An abrupt memory of the time they were filming Plan V diary: splitting into teams and Jaehwan had made it clear he'd been less than happy about being on the same team as Taekwoon.

"We’ll be the 'le-ken' team," Jaehwan declared without hesitation. He dragged his suitcase nearer to Taekwoon, huddling into his jacket. He looked cold. Taekwoon pressed his hands against his cheeks, trying to warm them both simultaneously. Airport. Jeju. Warmer.

The rest of the kids were still fighting over who wouldn’t have to make a team with Hakyeon. Taekwoon smiled inwardly to himself—he knew the feeling. They were just playing though. Maybe it would've been better if he'd gone with Hakyeon. It was comfortable—it had been comfortable—as annoying and clingy as Hakyeon could be. But it'd be good if they could hurry. Jaehwan was shivering beside him, shifting restlessly from foot to foot. It seemed that his mouth had finally been frozen shut too.

It was Hongbin in the end and Taekwoon snorted. "Why me," Hongbin groaned. "Why couldn't it have been anyone but N-hyung."

"Yah, you brat." Hakyeon hit Hongbin at the back of the neck again, while Wonsik and Sanghyuk bounced in joy.

"Alright," the PD said, putting down the camera. "Hakyeon, Hongbin, you'll take the bus. Wonsik, Sanghyuk start with a taxi, then take the train. Taekwoon, Jaehwan, train."

Taekwoon nodded while Jaehwan whined piteously beside him. "I want to take the bus," he said. "Or the taxi. Or anything but the train, it's _so cold_."

The producers laughed, and Taekwoon patted Jaehwan on the shoulder.

"We should hurry to the train station," Taekwoon said, as they all split.

"It’s cold," Jaehwan whined. He trailed a few steps behind Taekwoon, dragging his suitcase behind him. "It’s so cold."

Taekwoon hid a scoff of laughter, still trying to warm his own frozen cheeks and hands. Their VJ was walking ahead of them, although after years of filming, Taekwoon had gotten more used to it. Not that Jaehwan had had anything to get used to. The only difference between Jaehwan on camera and Jaehwan off camera was that he was moderately more polite. He turned to glance at Jaehwan who had one hand stuffed into his pocket as he huddled into his collar.

"Nope, I’m not cold!" Jaehwan suddenly declared. "I’m not cold at all!"

Taekwoon shook his head to himself.

But it was good he'd gotten Jaehwan. Jaehwan, well, Jaehwan could take up the entire screen time by himself without Taekwoon’s help, and no matter how one put it, he was less clingy than Hakyeon. He was doing it right now, which left Taekwoon to trudge on as Jaehwan continued his various outbursts of complaints about the weather. For once, Taekwoon did think he knew what Jaehwan was thinking.

"Save me, it’s so cold," Jaehwan whined piteously, still trailing behind. Taekwoon paused, just long enough for Jaehwan to catch up, then took Jaehwan’s suitcase from him.

"Hyung?" Jaehwan looked at him in surprise.

Taekwoon just shrugged, too cold to say anything. They'd been walking for a few minutes already and they were probably still about five minutes from the train station. The early hour did nothing to ease the chill. Few stores were open at this time either, but one that was caught his eye.

"Can we stop here?" Taekwoon asked the VJ. He pointed to the Burger King. "I want to get some coffee."

"Sure," he said. "We don’t actually need two hours to get to the airport."

Taekwoon nodded, changing their course.

"So, so cold," Jaehwan was still crying. Taekwoon looked at him, amused.

"Take it," Taekwoon said, handing him back his suitcase as he went ahead.

The warm air was all too welcome and Jaehwan’s whining abruptly stopped, for which Taekwoon was incredibly thankful for. He was glad that Jaehwan was keeping them from being edited out entirely, but it was something to be said that even he couldn’t come up with anything other than complaints about the cold. The only thing that Taekwoon could think to say was also about the cold—but he’d only say it once, and Jaehwan had already said everything for him.

"Better?" Taekwoon asked, as they finished placing their orders.

Jaehwan nodded eagerly. "It felt like my fingers were going to fall off," he said.

Taekwoon scoffed again, looking away in disbelief.

"It’s true!" Jaehwan insisted, brandishing his fingers which _were_ red, as was his nose and his cheeks and every bit of him.

"Hyung," Jaehwan suddenly said. "How do you feel about filming a variety show again after so long?" Taekwoon had barely turned, mulling over an answer, before Jaehwan shivered dramatically. "I’m going to freeze to death, hyung-nim!"

Taekwoon stared at him, blinked, even as Jaehwan laughed, probably at him.

The best course of action, Taekwoon decided, was simply to ignore him. Which he did, as he took a long drink of his latte.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was, irregardless of the early start, a long day.

Jeju had welcomed them with hail, fresh seafood, a zipline, and more hail. Taekwoon could still feel the way it'd hit his face, sharp and ceaseless like an endless stream of bullets from a BB gun. A long day, a tiring day. They'd met the principal of the high school for the 'first time' where they would be holding a surprise event for, to secure permission that had been secured long before. But then, they'd played.

Taekwoon buried his face in his arms, lying boneless on his stomach on the floor of their lodgings for the night. Tomorrow would be a long day too and now that he'd finished his end of day interview, all he wanted to do was sleep. He sat up, thinking of maybe washing up first anyway, rubbing blearily at his eyes. The place was mostly quiet—a strange state of things for VIXX, but the day had tired the kids out too. Hakyeon was sprawled on the bed, napping until his turn and Taekwoon let him be. Hakyeon hadn't had an easy day either, paired with Hongbin and his incessant complaints about Hakyeon.

It was quiet and Taekwoon could hear Jaehwan doing his end of day interview. Softly, Taekwoon moved closer to the door and leaned against the wall.

Jaehwan had just started—they were asking him about being paired up with Taekwoon. Taekwoon swallowed as he listened, part of him feeling as if he were eavesdropping but he knew that he'd find out anyway, if he watched it when it aired.

"Being paired with Leo-hyung? I thought 'oh, I'll have to talk a lot,'" Jaehwan said. Taekwoon had to hold in a laugh. 'I felt bad, because Ken will have to work harder,' Taekwoon had said, or something like that.

Jaehwan had talked a lot. He'd never stopped talking.

Taekwoon only half listened to the rest of his interview, dozing off even as he did. At some point, he realised that Jaehwan had finished, because someone had come into the room.

"Hakyeon?"

It was the PD. Taekwoon shuffled over to gently shake Hakyeon awake. It took a moment before Hakyeon stood up, yawning. Taekwoon yawned too.

"My turn?" Hakyeon asked. "Okay, I'll be right there."

Taekwoon had only meant to take a short nap but then he was being shaken awake by Hakyeon.

"Mmm?" Taekwoon mumbled. The light was too bright.

"Don't sleep on the floor," Hakyeon said. Taekwoon stuck his face more firmly against the floor—Hakyeon sighed and gently shook his shoulder again. "I'll bring the blankets, can you at least sleep on them?"

Taekwoon nodded, finally sitting up. He only half processed Hakyeon steering Jaehwan into the room with one hand while carrying the blankets for Taekwoon with the other. Taekwoon stood up to take the blankets from Hakyeon, marginally more awake as he lay them down on the floor.

"Where are you sleeping?" Taekwoon asked.

"The big room," Hakyeon said as he headed out. "Wonsik finished filming, those three are all in the other room."

Taekwoon nodded, watching as Hakyeon closed the door behind him before he threw himself on the ground again. Jaehwan had burrowed into the blankets although his eyes were open.

"Hyung?"

"What is it?" Taekwoon asked. He moved his pillow closer to the bed because Jaehwan was speaking softly.

"I'm really that strange?"

Taekwoon snorted. "Are you worried about that?" Taekwoon asked.

Jaehwan shook his head. He'd shifted his pillow closer to the edge of the bed as well. "That's my charm, right?" Jaehwan said.

Taekwoon nodded, turning onto his back again. He turned the words about in his head, feeling them out, wondering how to shape them. "How do you do it?" Taekwoon finally asked. It was an admission of sorts.

"Hm? Do what?"

"Do...that." Taekwoon waved a hand vaguely in the air before letting it drop down against the blankets again.

"Wow, you really aren't very good at expressing yourself, and we're not even on camera," Jaehwan deadpanned. Taekwoon smacked him blindly and Jaehwan yelped.

"Were you listening?" Taekwoon asked. He could feel himself flushing a little. Jaehwan made a small sound, and that was answer enough. Silence filled the room, comforting. Taekwoon was more awake now for having slept earlier and he could hear Jaehwan shifting restlessly on the bed next to him.

"You did well." Taekwoon said into the darkness. A much louder sound of shuffling, and Taekwoon smiled a little. "You worked hard. You talked a lot."

"Ah, hyung, were you listening to mine?" Jaehwan whined. He rolled onto his side and stared down at Taekwoon, lips pouted out dramatically.

"No," Taekwoon said immediately. "You just talk too loud."

"That's still listening," Jaehwan said—loudly, proving Taekwoon's point.

"Shut up," Hakyeon grumbled from outside the door. Jaehwan immediately pulled his blankets over his head and hid while Taekwoon stifled a small laugh.

"It's hard not to listen to you," Taekwoon said.

"But still!" Jaehwan said—and then slapped his hands over his mouth, shooting a careful glance towards the door. Taekwoon shook his head in amusement. "Right, how do I do what?"

"It's nothing," Taekwoon said. He sighed. "Express myself."

"You can talk more," Jaehwan said, like it solved all the problems in the universe. Taekwoon glared at him and Jaehwan meeped. "Don't be mean!"

"I'm not," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan laughed a little, softer, and he propped his cheek up against his arm. "'Le-shin-set'," Jaehwan said. His lips twitched slightly. "Once you know about Leo, it's game set. People already like you even if you don't talk." A pause, and his lips pursed a little, his eyes still fixed on Taekwoon. "If Leo-hyung suddenly started acting like me, the fans would all wonder if you were sick and they'd be worried, you know."

Taekwoon laughed a little, the image in itself ludicrous. "You've gotten so mature," he said, too quietly to be heard, he thought, especially when it was silence that answered him for several long moments.

"I'm as old as you were when we debuted," Jaehwan suddenly said. "Even if you still think we're the kids."

Taekwoon laughed again, a soft sound. His eyes fell shut as he smiled. "If you were like this more often, maybe Hakyeon and the manager hyungs would yell at you less." 

"Hey—you yell at me too!"

"I don't yell," Taekwoon said matter-of-factly. Jaehwan made a whining sound of protest, but he couldn't exactly disagree when it was true. Taekwoon just gave him disappointed looks while Jaehwan tried to figure out what he'd done wrong this time.

"I think…" Jaehwan said slowly, pausing, gathering his thoughts. Taekwoon's eyes opened to stare at the ceiling. "Today, with the pink umbrella."

Taekwoon growled—not something he wanted to remember. "I didn't even say I was going to do it," he grumbled.

"Ah, see, that's what I mean," Jaehwan said. He leaned up, propped up on his elbow now, eyes glittering as he looked at Taekwoon. Taekwoon glanced at him, brows furrowed in confusion, having no idea what it was that Jaehwan 'meant'. "You didn't _say_ you were going to do it, but you still did it. Before, you would have just hit us, but today, you...you still hit us—" Jaehwan pouted, making a crying face that had Taekwoon hitting him again. "You still hit us but you still did it," Jaehwan bowled on, as if he hadn't interrupted himself. "See, now the fans can see you run across a soccer field with a pinkeu pinkeu umbrella."

Taekwoon groaned and covered his face with his arms, feeling himself flush in embarrassment from the memory alone.

Jaehwan shrugged, although all Taekwoon was aware of was the shifting of blankets and then Jaehwan lying back down again. "Maybe you just need to forget the camera is there," Jaehwan said—and then he laughed, softly again. "But you know that already. Sometimes I wish I could speak as well as you, hyung. I don't think I'd be able to say something like that."

"Because you never think before you speak," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan burst out laughing at this.

"That's not true," he whined. "I always think before I speak. It's just that you don't know what I'm thinking!"

"Do you even know what you're thinking," Taekwoon muttered.

It took far too long for Jaehwan to nod enthusiastically. "Of course! My thoughts are very important to me, how could I not know what I'm thinking?"

Taekwoon sighed, patting Jaehwan on the arm. "You are strange," he said, but there was no heat or bite or accusation in it. Fondness, perhaps.

"I'm strange? Okay, I'm strange—but I think I'm perfect?"

"Sleep," Taekwoon said. He pulled his arm back, curled up entirely under his own blankets.

"But hyung, I'm not sleepy anymore," Jaehwan whined. It was rather ruined by a loud yawn.

What a strange child, Taekwoon mused—by then, he was already mostly asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Their trip to Jeju passed in the blink of an eye, a whirlwind of long, exhausting days. Before Taekwoon knew it, it was their last night on the island and the kids seemed to be even more full to burst with energy, one last spurt of fun.

Hakyeon had left to film right after they'd performed at the school, while Taekwoon still had adrenaline thrumming through his veins and giddiness threatening to spill over. He'd felt like a child again, sneaking through the school. Like a spy, slipping around corners, ducking behind doors—making a desperate run for it even as he was sure they'd be caught. None of this matched the rush of happiness as they'd performed in front of the students, played the games with them that they'd meticulously planned. The boys—well, the boys had been boys, but even they had been filled with excitement by the end, and that was when Taekwoon knew they had done well. That the smiles on the kids' faces wasn't just because they were idols, celebrities, VIXX, but because they'd had _fun_.

He especially remembered the girls who'd asked to hug him. Taekwoon's mind had gone blank, utterly blank. And then 'smile more', one of them had said. Smile more.

"You have free time until dinner," the production team told them, "anything you'd like to do?"

"Can I cook?" Taekwoon asked. They'd all looked at him, a little startled—that he'd spoken up at all, Taekwoon thought with a small silent bitter laugh. "I want to cook for the members."

The production team had looked at each other and then shrugged.

"Sure, that works. Save us some production costs," one of the writer noonas had said, laughing.

"You're cooking?" Hongbin asked, grinning. "Is this because Hakyeon's not here?"

Taekwoon raised a hand threateningly and Hongbin laughed, stepping away.

"Oh, oh—I have an idea," Sanghyuk said, looking between Taekwoon and the staff. "Cooking competition! Between me and Taekwoon-hyung!"

Taekwoon's expression immediately morphed into one of extreme, extreme concern. "You can't cook," he said. "You're going to burn the place down."

"Hey, I resent that," Sanghyuk said hotly. "I can too cook. I can make jjapaguri!"

"That. Is not cooking."

"That's good," the PD said. "It'll be fun for the fans."

"I...I suppose," Taekwoon said softly. He hadn't thought about that. "I don't mind."

"Yay, hyung's cooking," Jaehwan cheered. He bounced up and down, Hongbin and Sanghyuk joining in right away—Taekwoon suddenly felt very, very tired.

He felt even more tired when Sanghyuk had won with his instant ingredients, and even Hongbin had turned on him.

"Traitors. See if I ever cook for you again," he grumbled. If looks could kill, those three would've been long dead.

But, Taekwoon thought, as they'd settled down for dinner—actual dinner—maybe it had been fun. Sure, he'd been upset at losing—he hated losing—but there'd been a sort of fun in it. A strange sort of fun. Even if he'd been honestly ready to strangle every single one of them. He probably still would, once they were off camera and no one was there to stop him.

It was their last night and they all knew that it was when they would be expected to speak their hearts. They'd laugh about it before it happened, but when it came down to it, Taekwoon knew that each of them had considered what they might say. Because it wasn't just for themselves, it wasn't just for VIXX—it was when they could show their thankfulness not only for their fans, but for their family, for everyone who'd accompanied them so far. For each other.

He could tell that the kids all felt Hakyeon's absence keenly, but in a strange way they seemed to be able to speak more freely, less frivously—marginally. They certainly spent less time ganging up on Hakyeon, since Hakyeon wasn't there.

As for Taekwoon—Taekwoon knew what he wanted to say. There was so much he wanted to say.

Hongbin had been right, about the times where they could gather like this and talk freely quickly disappearing. They'd already almost disappeared, the weekly Saturday meetings a mere memory of the past—if he didn't say this now, he wasn't sure when he'd get another chance. To the kids—the kids he was most thankful towards. The kids who'd grown up with VIXX, to Hongbin and Wonsik who'd grown up waiting for VIXX, to Jaehwan who'd grown up barely daring to hope, to Sanghyuk who'd given up his high school years to complete their team.

_Be happy_ , he meant. _You've done well._ He reached into himself, tuning out the camera, biting down at the inside of his lip before he spoke up, before he almost had to force the words out, or he knew he would never be able to say them. The kids were looking at him, Wonsik's eyes still damp with tears—the cameras were looking at him, but this wasn't for the cameras.

Those feelings for their parents, their families, the thankfulness, the regret—it'll be alright, he wanted to tell them. "'We will change, but without changing,'" was what he'd wrote in that message for their fans. He looked at them each in turn, wondering what they were thinking, wondering if they would understand what he wanted to tell them. You've done well. Be happy. "We'll grow closer, we'll mature, we'll do better."

Silence filled the space after his words, and he wasn't quite able to meet anyone's eyes, but vaguely aware of their nods, of the small, hidden swallows. There was more, but he wasn't sure he could say it right now, and he was faintly thankful to Hongbin, Hongbin who'd learned to take charge in these sorts of moments as withdrawn as he'd once been, happier to shy away from the spotlight than to step into it. The kids had grown up well.

He wasn't surprised, not really, when it was Jaehwan beside him who broke the mood, the sense of solemnity that had persisted even as Hongbin had spoken—and he glanced at Hongbin cringing at the other kids' antics. But, well—video letters to their parents. Of course. Taekwoon had almost forgotten. It was what Wonsik had been leading into, but Taekwoon had been so caught up in himself that he'd almost forgotten.

Nor did he expect it—nor did any of them expect it, they hadn't been told about this—when the lights went off and the screen went on and Superhero, _Superhero_ , started playing and Taekwoon felt embarrassment flood him and swallow him and by the time Hyde came on, he'd genuinely stopped wanting to cry.

But then—

It'd been a year. A year since they'd stood on a stage and had _won_. Without realising it, a year had hurtled by. A year since they had stood on a stage and on that stage, Taekwoon had felt that all of this, that everything, that all the work and everything the kids had had to give up, that everything Hakyeon had had to give up—he'd forgotten but hadn't forgotten about clinging to Hakyeon because if he didn't, he wasn't sure he'd be able to stand and he hadn't, and _Hakyeon_ , he hadn't heard what he was saying, all he knew was that Hakyeon had been crying, but he was the leader, their leader, Taekwoon's leader, and. And.

He could feel the tears prickling at his eyes, the lump in his throat, and he thought he saw Sanghyuk swallow as well. Wonsik, well, Wonsik always cried easily, and Taekwoon loved that about him, about how deeply he could feel.

Hakyeon should've been here. Right now, at this moment, a day to the year of their first win, when a life ring of what might've been called _hope_ had been thrown to them. He should've been here—crying, he'd be crying harder than any of them—to tell the kids they'd done well. They'd done so well.

Hakyeon who had been spending the past year stepping away long before he said he'd meddle less, the kids ready to fly on their own like he'd said. Sanghyuk as old as the other kids had been when they'd debuted. Hakyeon who Taekwoon had snapped at to _leave him alone_ and he'd meant it like he always had but he hadn't meant. He hadn't meant.

Eternity. Error. Stages where they had stood and been given trophies that had been painstakingly worked for by their fans, by their Starlights. By their members. A year, and it still felt surreal—and all too soon, before Taekwoon had managed to blink back all his tears, the lights had come on and he saw the flashes of realisation as Wonsik, Sanghyuk, Hongbin look at him.

He steeled himself for someone's teasing—they would've if it were Hakyeon—but none came. There were hints of red in all of their eyes—even Sanghyuk's—and Taekwoon didn't dare look at Jaehwan next to him.

He listened as the kids spoke and even Jaehwan managed a rare moment of serious thought. As they spoke about their fans, as they spoke about the future, as they spoke about their hopes and their dreams, about the goals they wanted to reach. He listened as Sanghyuk moved the stick figure that was N-hyung so he could speak—

"You've done so well," Taekwoon blurted out. They were words that Hakyeon would've been saying to them, but more than that, they were the words Taekwoon had wanted to say from the start. They had so much they wanted to _achieve_ , but for as much as they had achieved, as much as they would achieve, the path they'd taken to reach here, the small steps they'd taken each day, seemingly unchanging—but the them three years ago, the them two years ago, the them a year ago—in the blink of an eye, everything had changed. He swallowed, glancing into the distance before catching the kids' eyes.

"Reaching higher, chasing goals—it's important, but what's more important is that we do it happily, and that we do it together," Taekwoon said. His tongue flickered out over his lips,

He looked at Hongbin, Sanghyuk, Wonsik in turn, eyes passing briefly over the little black stick figure that was Hakyeon who was missing, glancing at Jaehwan who was beside him, before he continued, trying to gather his scattered thoughts, wondering if the words were the right ones to say.

"Working hard, being busy...It can be hard sometimes, but what I want most is for you—for us, for VIXX—to be able to enjoy it, to smile. We'll make it, day by day, and things will follow from there. I...My wish is that we'll continue being happy, continue working hard."

Taekwoon nodded, biting at his lips, swallowing back the lump in his throat. Even Jaehwan knew he'd been crying—he'd seen Jaehwan looking at him.

"Depending on each other," Jaehwan added, and Taekwoon glanced at him, at the dongsaeng whose mind he understood the least, but who'd grown surprisingly mature.

And even though Taekwoon knew it'd been coming, his heart gave a little jerk when they were to send their messages to Hakyeon. Hakyeon—well, Hakyeon would definitely cry, and that pulled a small smile out of him.

Taekwoon desperately pulled at the pieces of the things he'd wanted to say, to Hakyeon who was neither his hyung nor his dongsaeng, to Hakyeon who'd led Taekwoon when he'd first joined, to Hakyeon who'd dragged him here and there even though Taekwoon had tried to push him away. To Hakyeon who'd said he learned more about what the kids thought from these things, than from the kids themselves. To Hakyeon who the kids relentlessly pushed away, to Hakyeon who he always wanted to say—they don't mean it. The things he wanted to say to Hakyeon who had led him here, just like all the kids.

Thank you for working hard for us. Thank you for leading us. Thank you for being here for us. Thank you for holding us together.

Thank you for being born.

He swallowed, tipping his head back, desperately hoping that he wasn't crying even though he could feel the wetness in his eyes. They were facing the camera at least, the kids, speaking so seriously, so meaningfully, and yes, Hakyeon was going to cry. They've grown up well, because of you, Taekwoon wanted to say. It was Hongbin's turn and then it would be his, and Taekwoon thought that maybe, finally, he was ready.

_Thank you for everything,_ he thought, but the words choked and stuttered in his throat and threatened to drag out the tears again and now, all of their eyes were on him.

"The kids said a lot," Taekwoon said instead—and he meant it. "They said everything I wanted to say, so...let's continue to do well."

There was a short pause, and then a smattering of laughter.

"So clean," Sanghyuk laughed.

"That was more short than clean," Wonsik said, and Taekwoon could feel himself flush bright red.

"I agree with him," Jaehwan chimed in, and Taekwoon felt his heart twinge in thankfulness. And again, it was Hongbin who teased Hakyeon the most but who had been with him the longest that jumped in—and Taekwoon had the horrible feeling that both Jaehwan and Hongbin had seen his tears, the tears that he hadn't wanted to show to his dongsaengs.

Taekwoon smiled a little, glancing at the black stick figure that he knew Hakyeon was going to be pissed at in the morning, as they cleared the table, wrapping up.

"Thank you, hyung."

Taekwoon looked beside him sharply in surprise, Jaehwan's voice quiet. His hand brushed briefly against Taekwoon's arm before he dropped it, as if he didn't know what to do.

"For what?" Taekwoon asked, but Jaehwan only shook his head and shrugged before dashing off to join the others.

It was later, much later, when they were getting ready for bed after Taekwoon had been humiliated in table tennis by Sanghyuk, that Jaehwan sought him out again.

"For everything," was all that Jaehwan said and for once, Taekwoon thought he could understand what Jaehwan was saying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end it was Taekwoon and not Jaehwan—who had recklessly unzipped his jacket in the cold winter morning—that got sick.

"Sorry," Taekwoon croaked, his throat horribly sore and his eyes blurry and itchy. He had a vocal lesson today, but even he could tell it wasn't going to happen.

"Idiot," someone said, and it might've been Hakyeon or Hongbin—if it was Hongbin, Taekwoon was going to hit him—but his body felt cold and hot and he clutched at the blankets.

"He was sick in Jeju too," someone murmured, and he heard it through a haze of cotton.

"But he was doing alright?"

"When has he ever not been 'doing alright'? He doesn't even realise it himself, you know that—the idiot doesn't even know what being sick is until he's like this."

Because I was fine, Taekwoon thought miserably.

The door closed, the others leaving him to sleep. Someone was probably going to call one of their managers to bring him to the hospital. Really, all he wanted was to sleep.

All too soon, there was someone speaking to him again and that was when Taekwoon realised he had fallen asleep.

"Hyung, hyung," and at least it wasn't Hakyeon.

Taekwoon struck blindly at whoever it was; he heard Jaehwan swear and the splash of water. He opened his eyes, taking a moment to register that Jaehwan was holding a steaming mug.

" _Hyung_ ," Jaehwan whined, pouting. "It _hurts_."

Taekwoon blinked an acknowledgement. It was quiet in the dorm.

"Why are you here?" Taekwoon asked.

"What, do you not want me here?" Jaehwan asked, and his bottom lip jutted out even further. He held the mug out to Taekwoon. Taekwoon slowly sat up, grasping the cup of hot tea between his hands. "Do you not like me?"

Taekwoon shook his head but it made the world spin. "Thank you," he said instead, sipping at his tea. It was hot against his tongue.

"Where is everyone?" Taekwoon asked. The words were scratchy and Taekwoon had to squint at Jaehwan, eyes blinking incessantly to ward off the burning. Ah, of course—practice. "Shouldn't you be practicing?"

"I said I'd take care of hyung," Jaehwan said quickly. "Anyway, you should drink that before it gets cold. It's good for your throat."

"Lazy," Taekwoon mumbled.

"So ungrateful," Jaehwan complained. "After I give up my precious practice time for you."

"Don't pretend you weren't going to play with Sanghyuk," Taekwoon said, and his squint took on a more reprimanding tone, although he doubted it made any difference.

"See, at least I'm helping Hyogi," Jaehwan said. "Hurry up, drink your tea—I can practice here, see, I'm not being lazy."

He jumped out of the way before Taekwoon had a chance to hit him again. Taekwoon watched him go with a small snort of laughter, obediently sipping at the tea that Jaehwan had made him.

Jaehwan was making good on his word of practicing and Taekwoon listened to him absentmindedly as he lay back down, tugging the blankets back up all the way. It was with a jolt that he realised that Jaehwan had started singing In a Cold Night. A small smile spread itself on Taekwoon's face, one that he didn't notice.

It suited Jaehwan's voice well but he'd written it with Jaehwan in mind—of course it would suit Jaehwan's voice well. His eyes closed, Jaehwan's rich voice filling the apartment. Would they even perform the song again, Taekwoon wondered. By the time their next concert tour happened, there would be new songs, new solos, new duets, and In a Cold Night would be a memory. A precious memory where him and Jaehwan had practiced together for hours—even if sometimes Jaehwan wanted to take too many breaks.

In a Cold Night would always be his first, but he could always write another to sing with Jaehwan—it was to this thought that he fell asleep to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Had one asked a younger Taekwoon about the future, he never would have imagined it to hold so many airports. He leaned back in the chair, eyes shut, the sounds of chatter filtering through the gentle playlist he'd set up on his phone. The new year had passed with little incident, Taekwoon gratefully spending the days with his family, being possibly more excited than anyone about his noona's soon-to-be baby. Now, it was Bangkok that beckoned and Taekwoon found himself anticipating the change in weather, the brief break in the cold of winter.

There was suddenly an arm around him and Taekwoon shoved it off, cracking an eye open in irritation, unsurprised to see Hakyeon there.

"Taekwoonie, what're you listening to?" Hakyeon asked, undeterred by Taekwoon's glare.

"Go away," Taekwoon grumbled. He yanked the earbud back from Hakyeon, stuffing it back in his ear.

"Taekwoonie-hyung~" Taekwoon grimaced as Jaehwan came flying in from his other side, looping an arm about his shoulder as well. Taekwoon flung him off with equal vigour, giving up on sleep.

"Go bother someone else," he said, but sighed as he took out his earbuds.

"You'll talk to Jaehwan but not me?" Hakyeon asked, pouting in mock hurt that Taekwoon easily ignored.

"He likes me more," Jaehwan said, sing-song—this earned him a chop at the back of the neck.

"I don't like either of you," Taekwoon said.

Hakyeon sighed deeply, leaning back in his chair as he gave Taekwoon a curious look. "You don't mean that," Hakyeon said.

"But he doesn't like you more," Jaehwan said. He made kissy faces at Taekwoon as he leaned in towards him and despite himself, Taekwoon felt a smile twitching at his lips. He bit it down and smacked Jaehwan on the head, shoving his face away.

"Ugh, gross." Hakyeon pulled his best disgusted face at Jaehwan who wrinkled his nose and glared back at their leader. Taekwoon stood, preferring not to be between what was going to end in Hakyeon leaning over the seat to strangle Jaehwan, he was sure.

He looked around the waiting area, eyes quickly fixing on where Wonsik was sitting calmly, playing something on his phone.

"Hey hyung," Wonsik said as Taekwoon sat beside him. "What's up?"

Taekwoon nodded towards where Hakyeon was predictably beating Jaehwan up.

"Ah," Wonsik said, and then his eyes turned sly. "Were they fighting over you?"

"No," Taekwoon said shortly, frowning. He sighed softly, settling himself more comfortably in the chair.

Wonsik laughed at this. "They used to fight over who could make you laugh," he said suddenly. He grinned at Taekwoon. "It's a lot easier now."

"That wasn't fun," Taekwoon said, voice soft.

"Not even a little?" Wonsik teased, but he patted Taekwoon comfortingly on the hand. "Ah hyung, we just like seeing you smile."

Taekwoon sighed again, pulling out his earbuds. "I know," he said.

Two rows over, Jaehwan was pulling his best aegyo at Hakyeon now. It had been on the flight back from Japan a few weeks ago that Jaehwan had asked him if he didn't get bored, waiting at airports all the time, doing nothing. It'd been whined, in between bouts of ridiculous aegyo at Taekwoon. 'I like to sleep,' Taekwoon had said flatly. 'But we all sleep on the plane,' Jaehwan had said, still whining. He'd pouted, prodding Taekwoon in the cheek. Taekwoon had turned and snapped at his finger—and had actually caught it between his teeth for once. Jaehwan's shriek had brought the rest of the kids running over and that was when Taekwoon had given up on a peaceful pre-flight nap.

"They really don't have time to play anymore," Taekwoon said to Wonsik. Wonsik quirked an eyebrow at him. "Unlike debut," Taekwoon added.

"Ah," Wonsik said. For some reason, a small smile quirked at the corner of his lips. "What about you, hyung? Aren't you one of us?"

Taekwoon shrugged, putting in one of his earbuds and hitting play again. He blinked in surprise when it was Someday that started playing—he hadn't noticed himself that he'd started singing along to it until he noticed that Wonsik was staring at him with that quiet look of amusement again.

"What," Taekwoon said, staring flatly at Wonsik.

"Nothing," Wonsik said, still with that same smile. "You really haven't changed, I guess I was thinking."

Taekwoon shrugged again, not having anything to say to that.

By the time they were on the plane minutes later, all of them ready to sleep now, Taekwoon had completely forgotten what Wonsik had said, even when Jaehwan had leaned his head against Taekwoon's shoulder: "I think you've changed a lot, hyung."

Taekwoon gave Jaehwan a strange look and a half-hearted shrug meant to dislodge him. Jaehwan grabbed Taekwoon's arm—Taekwoon sighed deeply, and patted Jaehwan on the head instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon sat on the floor of their practice room, listening as Jaehwan repeated the same few words over and over again. At least, Taekwoon assumed they were the same few words. The same few sounds at least, he still couldn't remember what tones went with what sounds, and the tones changed everything. Never mind that, the same _sounds_ could be different words—and they were about to begin Chinese activities in earnest. But first, they had a concert in Taiwan in a few weeks and a whole new song in Chinese they needed to sing. He chewed at his lip, letting his head thunk softly against the mirror, his own sheet of paper forgotten on his lap.

"Wo...te...bie xiang ni," Jaehwan carefully voiced out. "Te? T _e_. _Te_?" he frowned, brows wrinkling as he repeated the one word again, varying the tone a little each time. Taekwoon wished he could say he couldn't tell the difference, but he was a singer for fuck's sake, of course he could tell, he just couldn't _say_ it.

"What did that mean again?" Jaehwan was speaking to himself for sure, and Taekwoon watched in some amusement as his face scrunched up, finger running down the well marked page. "Ah, right ' _the strange thing is, that among the thousands and millions of people, you're the one I want the most_ ', _xiang ni_ , want you?"

Taekwoon listened as Jaehwan mumbled to himself, tapping on his phone screen to listen to the guide through the one earbud he had in, face screwed up in concentration. Taekwoon had his phone out too, but he'd given up about half an hour ago and so he couldn't complain when Jaehwan had decided to install himself next to him, apparently having been kicked out by Hakyeon who'd wanted to practice singing first.

Taekwoon sighed softly to himself, picking up the lyrics sheet, eyes falling on the same line that Jaehwan had been practicing—because it was his line too. "Qi guai de shi," he mumbled, and then sighed again, _knowing_ that it sounded like nothing intelligible. Hakyeon liked to boast about how great his own pronunciation was and Jaehwan was constantly praised for his. Taekwoon could do no such thing.

Jaehwan looked up at his voice and Taekwoon pointedly stared down at his sheet, at the little squiggles and notes he'd made on the hangul printed underneath each Chinese word.

"Hyung," Jaehwan said, and he'd scooted a little closer. "We can practice together."

_I don't want to_ , Taekwoon thought about saying, but he kept his mouth closed and traced his pencil under the same line again. _You suck and let me help you_ , Taekwoon felt like Jaehwan was saying—but maybe Jaehwan was blunt enough that he'd say that to his face. He hadn't, at least. There was suddenly a chin on his shoulder and Jaehwan's breath tickling against his face.

"It's more fun to practice together," Jaehewan said. His chin jabbed uncomfortably against Taekwoon with each word. Taekwoon sighed and shifted away, leaving Jaehwan to overbalance with a loud whine of protest, aegyo turned up to eleven.

"C'mon, we even have the same line hyung, it's not like you to give up," Jaehwan said, and Taekwoon winced.

"I'm not giving up," Taekwoon said flatly. "I'm just..."

"Giving up?" Jaehwan suggested cheerily. Taekwoon tried to throttle him but Jaehwan only ducked underneath his threatening hands.

"I'm _not_ ," Taekwoon said shortly. It was more of a whine than he wanted. He bit at the inside of his cheek. "It's just..." He sighed, because yes, alright, he'd given up just a little, at least for this moment, somewhere between determinedly following their Chinese teacher and having to perform the blasted song that—he _liked_ the song, but he knew how patience could wear thin and there was just so much to do. He sighed, again, and then: "alright."

"That's the spirit," Jaehwan said, and wriggled far closer to Taekwoon than necessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

At least, Taekwoon thought morosely, the MV set had a couch.

He claimed it for himself between takes, the bright colours of the room such an utter contrast from their past few releases that he felt a bit of a headache coming on. They were filming for VIXX TV on and off again, but Taekwoon was fairly sure they weren't right now and happily pressed his face against one of the couch cushions. Or, he was happily napping face down until a very heavy weight landed on his back and Taekwoon swore, flipping whoever it was off.

He was not surprised when it was Jaehwan whining about his sore ass, eyes squeezed shut as he cried.

"Serves you right," Taekwoon said. He sat up, leaning against the back of the couch—if he lay back down, he had no doubt he'd have Jaehwan on top of him again.

"Aw, but you looked lonely," Jaehwan said, grinning again despite his apparently sore ass.

"I'm tired," Taekwoon said.

"Is the MV too happy for grumpy grandpa?" Jaehwan teased. Taekwoon glared, kicking out at Jaehwan. Jaehwan dodged easily, laughing. Taekwoon's mouth twitched as he continued to stare at Jaehwan without replying, hoping Jaehwan would get the hint and leave him alone. Jaehwan, being Jaehwan, didn't, opting to flop down on the couch next to Taekwoon instead.

"Why is it always you." Taekwoon shot Jaehwan a sideways look, pushing him away when Jaehwan tried to throw his arms around Taekwoon. "I don't like it."

"Don't like me or don't like being touched?" Jaehwan asked, obligingly sitting up anyway.

Taekwoon shrugged.

"Or you don't like our concept?"

Taekwoon's lips twitched at this and he shook his head. He sighed then, looking around them at the brightly lit set and then the colourful throw they were sitting on.

"It's...been a while," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan laughed, eyes curling shut. Taekwoon hit him to shut him up but Jaehwan only shuffled further away on the couch and resolutely did not shut up. "Since you had to smile for a MV?" Jaehwan teased.

"I smile," Taekwoon said, glowering at Jaehwan. He bit at his lip, thinking for a moment. "Blossom Tears."

"Huh? Blossom— _hyung_ , you _killed_ her in that MV, I don't think that counts!" Jaehwan protested, glaring at Taekwoon with a pout.

"It does. We were happy," Taekwoon said, pressing his lips together. He glanced at Jaehwan who was still wearing that ridiculous look before he sighed. "It's hard," he admitted.

"I think you're doing well," Jaehwan said. "You're cute!"

Taekwoon bit down hard on his lip—and then promptly turned to strangle Jaehwan. Jaehwan shrieked, shoving Taekwoon away.

"Ah, I just said you're doing well," Jaehwan whined as Taekwoon relented. He rubbed at his arm with a wounded look. "You're doing well at being cute—don't hit me again!"

Taekwoon let out a long sigh, slumping down on the couch. Secretly, a small rush of relief had washed through him although he'd never admit it to anyone, least of all Jaehwan. He'd watched as the others had filmed their individual scenes; he wished he could smile as brightly as them, the corners of their eyes crinkling as they laughed.

"I'm not cute," he said. Habit, more than anything else. "The dance is cute."

Jaehwan abruptly laughed, eyes crinkling in the way that Taekwoon had just been thinking of. Taekwoon peered at him curiously, wondering what strange thought Jaehwan had just had again.

"Ah—but isn't it better than Superhero? Hakyeon-hyung even threatened to quit," Jaehwan said, eyes still twinkling.

Taekwoon's own lips twitched at this. "I remember." 

"He knew they'd never debut us without him," Jaehwan laughed. "Still, I'm glad he got it changed. I remember hyung was so determined then too."

"Hyung?" Taekwoon asked.

"You, I mean," Jaehwan said. He shrugged before his grin slowly turned into a thoughtful moue. "Do you ever think what would have happened if we didn't have On and On? What if we were still doing cute things like that—I bet you would've gotten better at it, or, hm."

Jaehwan trailed off, his eyes fixed pensively on Taekwoon. Taekwoon shifted, a little uncomfortable under that look. He glanced over at where the staff were organising something, wondering when they would be filming again. This was the longest break they'd had in a while.

"But I'm glad, I like this," Jaehwan said brightly. "It's fun, and the fans will like it—they said you should smile more!"

"I smile," Taekwoon muttered again. He brought his hand up to rub at his eyes before he remembered he'd smudge his eyeliner. He stood up with a sigh instead and silently prayed for the rest of the filming to go well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was filming and recording and concerts and sometimes it could be simply too much all at once, but right now, Taekwoon threw himself back on the bed, hair still damp and an unintentional grin spread wide across his face. He softly sang a few bars of Destiny Love, the memorised sounds fitting in well to their Taiwan hotel. The taste of cake still seemed to linger through sheer memory alone. He felt limp and relaxed, a concert well done and a nice hotel pool and Wonsik's birthday and the concert. He glanced to the side where Jaehwan was watching something on his phone, wearing a loose shirt and sweats, and Taekwoon rolled off to join him.

Jaehwan looked up as Taekwoon sat onto the bed next to him, sending him a matching grin as Taekwoon settled somewhat behind Jaehwan, resting his chin on his shoulder.

"Wanna watch?" Jaehwan asked, offering Taekwoon one of his earbuds as he hit pause.

"Horror?" Taekwoon asked, brows quirking up, his lips twitching as well. "You haven't learned your lesson?"

"Aw hyung, you're here so I'm not scared—besides, I like it, it's silly because it's not real," Jaehwan said. Taekwoon laughed softly.

"If you climb into my bed tonight, I'm kicking you out this time," Taekwoon warned, but he took the other earbud anyway and sat up straighter. Jaehwan leaned against him and stayed there for the rest of the movie. Taekwoon couldn't help the small snorts of laughter every time Jaehwan gasped or clutched at his arm, even though he'd said he wasn't scared.

As the credits rolled, Taekwoon pulled out his earbud and then stared at it for several long moments—there was no one else in the room. Jaehwan seemed to realise at the same time as he tossed his phone onto the bed.

"We were being considerate to the ghosts," Jaehwan said solemnly. Taekwoon shook his head, swallowing a laugh.

Jaehwan followed his phone onto the bed, flopping down onto his stomach before he rolled onto his back, grinning up at Taekwoon.

"You did good today," Jaehwan said and there was too much teasing in his eyes for it to be only what he'd said. Taekwoon wrinkled his nose and smacked him lightly on the ankle. Jaehwan whined, jerking his leg away, even as Taekwoon flushed a little. "We should teach you Up and Down properly."

"Do it and die," Taekwoon said flatly, but the threat was softened by the lack of meaning behind it. Jaehwan just laughed, fully aware of it.

"No but really, you did good," Jaehwan said, punctuating it with a small yawn that Taekwoon couldn't help but echo.

"Mm?" Taekwoon hummed. He leaned against the headboard— _brat_ , he thought of saying, but Jaehwan had that soft sleepiness now that Taekwoon had come to associate with a sort of seriousness that Jaehwan tended to forget in the mornings. It was as if Jaehwan's odd brain had finally settled down.

" _The strange thing is_ ," Jaehwan sang softly, the line in Destiny Love they both had, and smiled as Taekwoon joined in, " _from all the tens of thousands of people on this earth._ "

" _I really want you the most_ ," Taekwoon finished by himself.

"La la la la la la la," Jaehwan sang and then laughed, sitting up suddenly to lean back against the headboard next to Taekwoon.

"You know," Jaehwan said, yawning again, "it is strange, that out of alllll the people in the world, sometimes you're my favourite hyung."

"Stupid," Taekwoon said, laughing a little as he patted Jaehwan on the head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon glanced up from his phone when someone slid onto the couch next to him. It was force of habit that had him sighing, shuffling away from Hakyeon before he could grab him in some way or other. He did pull out one of his earbuds when Hakyeon looked at him with that impatient look in his eyes, as if he'd be bouncing in his seat were he about twenty years younger. Not that it stopped him at times.

"What?" Taekwoon asked flatly.

"Nothing!" Hakyeon grinned at Taekwoon brightly, dodging Taekwoon's wildly swung fist, albeit only barely. Taekwoon relented and settled for punching him on the arm instead. He narrowed his eyes at Hakyeon who merely shrugged.

"Why are you always so grumpy to me," Hakyeon complained, and Taekwoon's eyebrows went up. "You're not with the others!"

"Because the others aren't so annoying," Taekwoon said. Hakyeon sighed.

"I miss when you were cute and snuggly," Hakyeon said. Taekwoon's eyebrows shot up even further.

"What."

" _So_ cute," Hakyeon said.

"...When," Taekwoon asked despite himself, eyes narrowed.

Hakyeon's cheeks scrunched up in a smile. "Like last week," he said, grinning brightly. Taekwoon's eyes only narrowed further because he certainly did not remember ever being 'cute and snuggly', and certainly not last week. He glanced up around the dressing room where the others were still finishing with their styling. It was the first stage of Love Equation where they might win and despite Taekwoon's outward steadiness, his heart was giddy as usual. Taekwoon had finished first today and had retreated to a corner to wait. Hakyeon was still staring at him expectantly, still smiling, and Taekwoon blinked at him. Again, Hakyeon sighed and before Taekwoon had a chance to react, he'd wrapped his arms around Taekwoon's waist and rested his chin on Taekwoon's shoulder.

"Like this," Hakyeon said—he let go when Taekwoon pried him off.

Taekwoon bit at his lip, expression twisting into something that Hakyeon definitely thought of as _adorable_ , even though Taekwoon wasn't even aware he was making it. "I was tired," Taekwoon said. "And cold."

"Cute and snuggly," Hakyeon said.

"Annoying," Taekwoon said.

" _Anyway_ , you know we're up to win, right? You can show some emotion, our chic Leo-ssi," Hakyeon said, poking Taekwoon in the cheek. Taekwoon snapped at him but Hakyeon had been expecting it and had retracted his finger immediately.

"I'm _tired_ ," Taekwoon said again. He glanced at the others, at Jaehwan who was getting his hair blown and styled to resemble a fluffy poodle and Hongbin who was looking like an equally fluffy pink poodle. He smiled at them unthinkingly, Jaehwan catching his eye in the mirror, his eyes crinkling as he grinned back.

"You were playing with Sanghyuk earlier," Hakyeon protested. "In the van."

"I wasn't tired then," Taekwoon said evenly.

"Right, you're only tired when you're with me," Hakyeon said.

Taekwoon shrugged, going back to his phone. _Because you're tiring to be with_ , but he was sure Hakyeon could fill in his half of the conversation by himself by now.

"Be nicer to me," Hakyeon whined, wrapping his arms about Taekwoon again only to be thrown off. "You're so nice to the others—don't think I don't see you being nice to even Jaehwan. And he's not even that much younger!"

Taekwoon stared at Hakyeon. "You can call me hyung if you want to," he said flatly.

" _Then_ you'll be nicer to me?" Hakyeon asked.

"Maybe," Taekwoon said, shrugging—and wandered off to sit next to Hongbin before Hakyeon actually _did_ call him hyung. He wouldn't put it past him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

The alarm went off and Taekwoon opened his eyes to darkness and quiet, albeit for the shuffling sounds of the others slowly emerging from sleep. He promptly closed his eyes again, knowing that before long, someone—likely Hakyeon—would be around to drag him up. It'd been years, but Taekwoon still couldn't get used to the predawn hours. There was the ping of _filming_ sounding quietly at the edges of his consciousness and he used that to cling to the thread of _awake_ that the alarm had brought. More noises now and voices and Taekwoon could pick out Sanghyuk in the other room pulling Wonsik awake, could hear Hongbin making the early claim to the bathroom. It was him or Jaehwan next, and Taekwoon forced his eyes open even as he heard Jaehwan sit up, blankets shoved away.

"'m awake," Taekwoon mumbled, when he saw Hakyeon standing above him. It wasn't dark anymore, he realised abruptly. The lights were on and Hakyeon nodded, but offered him a hand up anyway. Taekwoon glowered at him and ignored it, sitting up blearily.

"You better get up," Hakyeon warned before disappearing to get himself ready.

Taekwoon nodded at Hakyeon's back, still rubbing at his eyes. He squinted at Jaehwan, the only other person left in the room now. He looked marginally more awake than Taekwoon felt, although judging from his rare silence, it wasn't that awake either. Taekwoon wasn't sure what time it was, hadn't remembered when they were supposed to get up, couldn't quite remember _what_ they were prerecording or what day it was, but it mattered little.

"Hyung," Jaehwan whined and Taekwoon stared at him, unsure of what Jaehwan wanted. Maybe Jaehwan didn't know either, because he just flopped bonelessly back down, still whining piteously, before dragging himself up, this time to his feet. Taekwoon sighed and stood up too, although he took several moments longer for his balance to right itself before he shuffled to his closet. At least he didn't have to think hard—and their stage outfits were comfortable this time, easy and casual, boys next door. Or something.

" _Hyung_ ," and it was Jaehwan again, this time from somewhere beneath his elbow. Taekwoon squinted down at him and promptly snorted.

"Stupid." Taekwoon bopped Jaehwan lightly on the head, right between the two socks Jaehwan was holding up in what Taekwoon supposed was an approximation of bunny ears.

"Am I cute?" Jaehwan wriggled his nose and Taekwoon shook his head but couldn't quite keep an entirely straight face, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. He did, however, gently tap Jaehwan on the head again, making Jaehwan whine.

"Are you two up yet?" Hakyeon's head appeared in the doorway, his expression stern and irritated, although it smoothed out a little when it was clear they were both out of their blankets. "Good. Shower's free, I want one of you in it in the next three seconds."

Taekwoon prodded Jaehwan with his foot—the socks instantly became overlarge teardrops, and this time, Taekwoon did laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Among the several things that Taekwoon had not considered when he'd started auditioning with companies as he'd seriously considered his future options, back when he'd been still young and frustrated and afraid of how many injuries he could sustain before he wouldn't be able to play soccer, was the sheer amount of multi-tasking that being an idol singer entailed. His head was spinning from languages and radio shows and he could probably dance to at least thirty songs in his sleep—which he'd basically done at times.

"Yes hyung," Jaehwan was saying, biting at his lip. Taekwoon glanced at Hongbin, meeting his eyes in the mirror and sharing a half amused, half exasperated look as Hakyeon continued to scold Jaehwan for messing up the choreography again. Again.

Some things never changed, even though it'd been nearly three years since they'd debuted. Taekwoon suspected that it was something that never would.

Granted, Jaehwan might've deserved it in this case. It took real talent to still screw up Rock Ur Body one out of three times, and Hakyeon's perfectionist streak wouldn't let it go, even though it wasn't like anyone would _notice_ and if they did, they'd think it was cute. Goodness knew that concert choreography wasn't meant to be perfect.

"If you spent half the effort on everything else as dancing, you wouldn't get yelled at so much," Taekwoon said afterwards, bringing Jaehwan a water bottle.

Jaehwan was flopped pathetically on the floor and made grabby hands while pouting at Taekwoon. Taekwoon sighed and sat down next to him. He pat Jaehwan on the arm. They were done for the day, everyone having scattered to individual practice. They were filming some of the VCR scenes for the concert tomorrow and Taekwoon anticipated another long day. Another Love Equation performance was in three days, and they were all being stretched thin.

But such was being an idol, Taekwoon supposed.

"But talents are important," Jaehwan whined as he sat up. He downed half the bottle of water in one go and then promptly began coughing. Taekwoon sighed as he patted Jaehwan on the back. "And so are languages!"

"A pterodactyl scream is more important than dancing?" Taekwoon looked at Jaehwan, expression full of disbelief. Jaehwan pouted at him sadly.

"Someone has to make up for hyung," Jaehwan said. He rather deserved the chop he got to his neck, Taekwoon thought, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at Jaehwan.

"See! The thing is, you're good at singing right? You're _really_ good at singing, and you're working on writing songs—you spend _all_ your time in your work room like Wonsik—and your dancing is cool, but someone has to be good at being a pterodactyl, and a mosquito," Jaehwan rattled off. Taekwoon exhaled and prayed for patience, even as he stared at Jaehwan but didn't stop him as he continued presenting his list. "Oh! And smiling, and aegyo, and laughing, and _someone_ has to be good at aegyo because Hyogi doesn't want to be, and I can't not be the cute main vocal for VIXX, right hyung? So I have to work hard to make sure I can still be a big dog, and a small dog. Oh, and I have to help our cute Hyogi with his talents too."

Taekwoon continued staring at Jaehwan who seemed to have managed to come back to life in the space of less than a few seconds as he listed off all the reasons why he _wasn't_ practicing dancing, Taekwoon assumed. He couldn't think of another reason why Jaehwan was being this insistent.

"And it's important to be able to talk to our fans—our Chinese Storlyght babies are important, and our Japanese ones and our—oh, I don't mean that hyung doesn't work hard too—and fans love when we dance to girl group songs, and that takes a lot of work and you should definitely work on that—ouch, that hurt—"

"Practice your mouth less," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan's eyes were literally sparkling now, Taekwoon rather thought, although his expression instantly dropped into a sad one, all pouting and corners of his mouth pulled down in an upside down smile.

"But there's just so much to _practice_ ," Jaehwan whined piteously. He sighed, suddenly drooping, energy appearing to drain out of him as he flopped onto his back again, one of his outstretched arms hitting Taekwoon's leg. "If you want, I could teach you things too."

"What?" Taekwoon said reflexively. He frowned down at Jaehwan, trying to piece together what he meant.

"You asked me how to be better for the camera, remember," Jaehwan said. He stared up at Taekwoon and blinked. "Maybe it'll be better if you learn more talents. Or I could film you! And teach you how to act well for the camera."

Taekwoon froze for a moment in understanding, the memory crashing back down on him. He'd forgotten, it was true. "You act the same when there isn't a camera," Taekwoon said. His mouth twitched as he looked down at Jaehwan—the current moment a valid point in his favour. "You don't need to practice that."

"I guess," Jaehwan said slowly. "But you don't. No that's not true—you do too. Act the same when there is and isn't a camera, I mean."

Taekwoon shifted uncomfortably, getting to his feet.

"Go practice," he said. He prodded Jaehwan with his foot. "Break's over."

"So mean," Jaehwan complained, but got obediently to his feet, only to wrap his arms about Taekwoon—and get thrown across the practice room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

For all the tireless rehearsal that preceded a concert, nothing matched the final rehearsals the night before, the day of, on the stage they would be performing on. Taekwoon sat on the stairs as he watched Hakyeon work out the details of his solo performance, tweaking the movements as he discussed with the other dancers how to best fit it to the stage, the cameras, the audience. The stadium was loud with more than just the yells of staff organising lighting and everything else that went into a concert, coordinating from across the stadium. It was a feat that Taekwoon never lost his awe of, the sheer scale and work and the number of people involved to put together one of their concerts.

Somewhere off to the side, Sanghyuk and Jaehwan had found the prop guns _again_ and were having a shoot-off, ducking behind stages. Wonsik dropped dramatically to the stage when he was caught in the crossfire. Hongbin was laughing as he shot the scene in an entirely different way, checking the shots on the screen of his massive camera every now and then. Sanghyuk had tried to drag Taekwoon in earlier, miming shooting him but giving up when Taekwoon just stared at him blankly.

Hakyeon, despite the commotion, never once turned away from his own rehearsal, far too used to this by now. Well, it'd be hard not to be used to it, Taekwoon supposed, after nearly three years.

For his part, Taekwoon was content to watch, softly humming Words To Say to himself. Jaehwan had found a few pieces of scrap paper from somewhere and had ripped them into smaller pieces to turn into projectiles, a new level to their game developed as paper 'bullets' followed each shot of their guns. Dangerous—especially when one of Jaehewan's went sailing well past Sanghyuk and hit Hakyeon on the back of the head. Taekwoon bit at his lip to keep a straight face as Hakyeon's head snapped about, his glare promising Jaehwan hell later. Taekwoon couldn't see it, but he could imagine Jaehwan's face as he bowed quickly in apology before running away, off the stage. Sanghyuk had doubled over in laughter while Wonsik had his hands up in a conciliatory gesture towards Hakyeon, quickly stating his own lack of blame in this.

He shook his head and pulled out his phone, debating posting a picture of Minyul, knowing that Hakyeon would still be forever until he was satisfied. He always took forever. Really, the kids ought to have been saving their energy—the Hyde - Beautiful Killer - Eternity - Error series was after Hakyeon's solo stage and it was exhausting enough even in rehearsal.

Taekwoon was still singing softly to himself when someone collapsed next to him on the stairs, breathing heavily. He wasn't too surprised when it was Jaehwan, his cheeks flushed a little red.

"I'm so tired," Jaehwan whined, leaning back on his hands. Taekwoon stared at him blankly, not feeling the need to state the obvious. He went back to humming Words To Say—

"' _I can't even hold you in my arms, it hurts_ '," Jaehwan sang along. Taekwoon looked at him sharply in surprise. Jaehwan's eyes crinkled even as his words and voice were heartfelt and soulful.

" _Apa_ , it hurts," Jaehwan sang again, and then—"appa, appa, app—ouch ouch ow! It hurts!"

"Stupid stupid stupid," Taekwoon grumbled as he hit Jaehwan on the head.

"It _hurts_ ," Jaehwan whined and then laughed. "Appaaaaaa. Daaaddd," he followed it up with, and then quickly dodged Taekwoon's next neck chop.

"Brat," Taekwoon said, deciding he'd ignore Jaehwan, but Jaehwan would not be ignored when he didn't want to be. He leaned against Taekwoon, chin jutting into his shoulder as he looked down at Taekwoon's phone. Taekwoon quickly turned the screen off and shoved Jaehwan away.

"But you're just looking at pictures of your nephew?" Jaehwan asked, lower lip jutting out. "Why can't I see that? Don't you always want to show us?"

"No," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan sighed heavily, leaning back again. Once they finished the dry rehearsal they'd have the proper rehearsal with all the effects and timing and everything else. If Taekwoon was watching Hakyeon right, he was almost satisfied, which meant that they'd be blocking out Hyde soon.

"' _Day by day you grew farther away_ ', ah, why are all your songs so _sad_ ," Jaehwan complained.

Taekwoon hit Jaehwan's arm, expression tightening at him. "They are not."

"I like them!" Jaehwan quickly said, warding off another bout of Taekwoon's violence. "I don't mind, really, but it'd be nice if they weren't, every time I hear them I wanna cry."

"I like ballads," Taekwoon said simply. Weren't ballads usually sad, he meant, and Jaehwan made a small noise of frustration.

"But they're _so_ sad," Jaehwan said, pouting deeply. Suddenly, he perked up at Taekwoon, in the manner that reminded Taekwoon of a small dog. "Are you going to write another for me, for us?"

"Maybe," Taekwoon said, shrugging. The truth was he had one he'd been working on, but he'd put aside for the time—he wasn't going to tell Jaehwan that though.

Jaehwan fell silent after that, sitting next to Taekwoon with only the occasional sound of him humming snippets of Rolling in the Deep, his own solo. Hakyeon was definitely almost done. At one point, Jaehwan leaned his head against Taekwoon's shoulder again, but since he kept quiet, Taekwoon didn't push him away. He was bony, but warm.

"Hyung," Jaehwan suddenly said, soft.

"Mm?" Taekwoon had gone back to his phone, this time flicking through his music library. There was a loud crash and Taekwoon looked up to find that Wonsik had tripped on something—but seemed unhurt. Beside him, Jaehwan cackled and ran off and Taekwoon never had a chance to ask what Jaehwan had been about to say. The space beside him seemed suddenly a little too empty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was a knock on his workroom door.

"Who is it?" Taekwoon hit pause and looked up.

"Your favourite cute main vocal," Jaehwan sang out; the door opened and Jaehwan's head popped in. Taekwoon sighed but nodded at him to come in. A smile broke out over Jaehwan's face as he seemed to skip in, and Taekwoon narrowed his eyes when he saw the iced coffee that Jaehwan had been hiding behind his back.

Taekwoon sighed again, holding out his hand for the coffee. "What do you want?" Taekwoon asked.

Jaehwan pursed his lips, shutting the door behind him and then dropping to the floor. He'd gotten himself an iced tea and sipped at it now, legs crossed in front of him. Taekwoon turned around in his chair, looking down at him.

"Nothing," Jaehwan said heavily, bottom lip jutting out. "Why do you think I want something? What if I just want your company?"

Taekwoon held up the iced coffee before sipping at it, a gesture to indicate the obvious. Jaehwan's expression twitched at this and he pushed his hair out of his eyes even though they didn't need to be, fiddling with the brown strands between his fingers.

Jaehwan bit at his lip, shoulders slumping a little as he pulled his knees up to his chest. "Hyung, is it hard doing things by yourself?"

Taekwoon's eyebrows went up. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Why are you asking me that?"

"Without VIXX, do you find it hard?"

Taekwoon was silent as he stared at Jaehwan who was looking down at the ground. They'd come back from Japan the day before and Taekwoon was still sunk in the hints of faint exhaustion and withdrawal that always accompanied the end of a concert abroad.

"Did you find it hard, filming Boarding House?" Taekwoon asked back, watching as Jaehwan first nodded and then shook his head and then shrugged. "It's different, right?"

Jaehwan's cheek twitched as he nodded again.

Taekwoon waited, knowing that Jaehwan's overflowing words would not be contained for long, especially when he had come in _with_ something to say. Taekwoon wasn't stupid—and he'd have to be very stupid not to realise that. His phone pinged with an alarm; Taekwoon reached back absentmindedly to turn off the screen.

"Full House," Jaehwan blurted out. "What's it like doing a musical?"

Taekwoon blinked. Ah. 

"Fun," he said. He smiled at the memory, an entirely different way of being on stage, an entirely different way of _singing_. Taekwoon wouldn't fool himself, he'd never be an actor and he didn't even _want_ to ever film a drama or a movie, but acting in a musical—that, Taekwoon had liked. Because it was the same sort of acting they always did on stage in some ways, acting through music, through the way they sang, danced. He blinked at Jaehwan, a small smile still on his face.

"What musical is it?"

Jaehwan's tongue flicked over his teeth before he chewed at his lip again. "It's Chess," he said, "although I don't know really anything about chess, I played but I'm not very good at it, but I like playing with the horses—I'm speaking nonsense again, aren't I."

"It's decided?" Taekwoon asked.

Jaehwan shook his head, several quick motions. "They're deciding now," he said. He laughed, a shaky laugh. "By this week? I'm nervous."

Taekwoon's brows drew slightly downwards as he considered Jaehwan. He was struck by a sudden image of a much younger Jaehwan, his face still awkward and unrefined and far too unsure of debut. Taekwoon wasn't sure when Jaehwan had grown into this exuberant ball of unabashed surety with only hints of the kid that was far more nervous than anything else. His position had truly been an undecided one though—no group needed three main vocalists.

"When were the auditions?" Taekwoon asked.

Another shaky laugh from Jaehwan as he rubbed at the back of his neck. "Two weeks ago," he said, and Taekwoon's brows went up.

"I didn't know?" Taekwoon said. Jaehwan laughed in that same way again.

"I know," he said. "I told the manager hyungs not to tell anyone too. To be honest, I didn't even know if I wanted to audition—I think I was more scared of not getting it you know? But now I don't know if I'll get it and...I dunno."

"So when _were_ you planning on telling anyone?" Taekwoon asked.

Jaehwan shrugged. "When I knew, I guess. Or maybe when it was officially announced. I think it won't feel _real_ until then and no one will have to know that I failed—it feels different than a drama. I can't explain why but—"

"Of course it's different, it's singing," Taekwoon said, cutting Jaehwan off. Jaehwan blinked, mouth still part open before he remembered to shut it.

"Of course it's singing," Jaehwan said, like Taekwoon had stated something too obvious. Taekwoon kicked at him, but Jaehwan was too far away. Taekwoon settled for sipping at his iced coffee again. He crossed his legs and leaned back in his chair. A stray thought that maybe he could go visit his noona and Minyul soon since the Manila concert wasn't until May and there wasn't anything too urgent at the moment. But first, there was Jaehwan worrying about a musical he hadn't even told anyone he'd auditioned for.

"You want to know if it's hard, doing a musical by yourself without VIXX?" Taekwoon asked. "If I said it is hard, what would you do? Does it mean even if they said yes, you'd say no?"

"What? Of course not!" Jaehwan said sharply.

Taekwoon shrugged. "Then what does it matter?" He shook his head a little at Jaehwan, knowing that maybe his words, if not his tone, had been too sharp, too blunt. "You should just enjoy it, whether it's hard or not. You know that we'll all be there for you even if we're not there."

"You always seem to know what to say," Jaehwan said, laughing softly. He took a long drink of his tea. "It's strange, I feel a little better now."

Taekwoon snorted softly and then walked the few steps over to Jaehwan to pat him softly on the head. Jaehwan looked up, blinking at him with large puppy eyes.

"Now get out, I'm working."

Jaehwan sighed, drooping and pouting. "Yes hyung-nim, whatever you say hyung-nim—hyung-nim, can you write another song for us?"

"Get out," Taekwoon said flatly, and literally kicked Jaehwan's ass out the door.

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

He didn't, however, kick Jaehwan out from under his blankets when he crawled in with him later that night. Instead, he pet Jaehwan on the head and let Jaehwan cling to him like Taekwoon was his oversized teddy bear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

There were times when Taekwoon wondered what it would be like to smoke—what it'd be like to have to step out a few times a day, light up a cigarette, breathe in the toxins that would surely destroy your throat and your lungs and then breathe it all out in a cloud that'd be fast invisible to the eye, but linger in the smell. Leaning over the railing like this, a faint light at the end, held between his fingers—an image from a drama, a movie. It looked cool, but Taekwoon knew better than to play with fire.

The balcony door opened behind him and when Taekwoon glanced back, it was Hakyeon who'd stepped out.

"You're going to get sick," Hakyeon said, draping a jacket over Taekwoon's shoulders. Taekwoon shrugged but wrapped the jacket about himself. It was April, but some nights were still chill and tonight was one of those nights. Taekwoon had not thought it would be until he'd stepped outside, and once outside he hadn't wanted to go back in, not so soon.

"You weren't around so I figured you were outside," Hakyeon said. He leaned against the railing, standing next to Taekwoon. There were the lights from houses and buildings and apartments, and the Seoul night could not have been said to be overly dark.

"Dark and quiet. Like you," Hakyeon teased and he laughed a little as he said this. Taekwoon glanced at him with slightly narrowed eyes and Hakyeon laughed again.

"I don't think that image will last for much longer," Hakyeon said. "You smile too much these days."

"What is it?" Taekwoon said. He looked at Hakyeon again, and Hakyeon's expression grew solemn, although there was still the twitch of a smile.

There was a long moment of silence, at least out here, with them. Inside, there was the sound of chatter and laughter and the exuberance of youth.

"It's a shame I missed seeing you cry," Hakyeon said and Taekwoon's eyes snapped to Hakyeon in a glare that could kill, although Hakyeon's look twinkled a _try it_ and Taekwoon felt too tired to really do anything. It was hard for him to not know what Hakyeon was talking about—Taekwoon wasn't the sort of person that cried easily or often. He sighed but said nothing, waiting for Hakyeon to carry on his conversation.

"'The kids said everything I wanted to say,' was that it? You know, when they showed me the footage from that night, they just showed that—I mean, they just showed what you said. I almost would've been angry but I thought 'ah, Taekwoon already spoke a lot before this, so that's why he didn't have anything to say about me', but that wasn't it, was it?" Hakyeon glanced at Taekwoon, and Taekwoon continued staring out into the night. There was soft laughter from Hakyeon. "You cried a lot."

"Shut up." Taekwoon stepped on Hakyeon's foot—Hakyeon yanked on his hair in retaliation and Taekwoon quickly shuffled away with a whine and a hurt look.

"But I should've been there," Hakyeon said quietly. "I wish I could've been there—but you wouldn't have talked so much if I had been. If I'm the mom, really, you are like the dad—although dads don't usually get hit by their kids so much, I think. Ah, I guess this dad does? Don't look at me like that I saw how much you lost, really Taekwoon, I didn't know you were that bad at table tennis, losing to our maknae like that. It's because I wasn't there, if I was, Hyogi wouldn't have won half as much."

Taekwoon sighed. "Hakyeon. What is it?"

"Hmm?"

"You're not drunk are you?" Taekwoon asked, peering at Hakyeon.

"Don't be silly, you know I don't like drinking," Hakyeon said. He glared at Taekwoon who met his eyes evenly. Hakyeon shrugged, looked back into the night. "It couldn't be helped—they couldn't build an entire filming schedule around me. It'll always be like this now I suppose—every time you have a schedule or I have a schedule and now Jaehwan's auditioning for musicals and Sanghyuk—"

"You know about Jaehwan?" Taekwoon stared at Hakyeon. There was a small hitch of something that might've been jealousy, but he absentmindedly pushed it away.

"Hm? Know what?" Hakyeon frowned.

Taekwoon bit at his lip and then shrugged, shaking his head a little. "Never mind," he said and then paused. "Your radio show."

"And my radio show," Hakyeon agreed. He laughed a little. "I didn't think I'd get to do that so soon, host my own radio show. Do you think people will listen? Will I be able to do well? I'm a little worried about those things but I think I'll be good at it."

Taekwoon laughed drily. "I do too," he said. He glanced at Hakyeon with the hint of a grin. "You talk a lot."

"I do!" Hakyeon said, a little too proud for Taekwoon's taste. "So I think people will enjoy listening—but sometimes, I still worry a little."

"You'll do well," Taekwoon said. "That's what you want me to say right?"

"You're the worst," Hakyeon said. He shook his head and Taekwoon laughed.

"Cha Hakyeon is going to be the best radio host—is that better?" Taekwoon laughed again as Hakyeon rounded on him and he held up his arms defensively to ward off Hakyeon's neck chop. Hakyeon settled for hitting him on the arms instead.

"We'll be in Manila when it's supposed to air," Hakyeon said, once he'd finished being all huffy. Taekwoon tugged the jacket about his shoulders again. "For our concert."

"What else would we be there for?" Taekwoon asked. He had to duck to avoid another one of Hakyeon's neck chops.

"Vacation?" Hakyeon said drily. "I think we're going to all be very busy soon. Well! It's just a feeling."

"Hakyeon," Taekwoon said and then paused. His tongue flickered over his lips as he thought for a moment before he spoke again. "I think that we all like it best when we're together as VIXX, but sometimes there's things we want to do we can't do as VIXX. I can't host a radio show. I can't film anything alone."

"That you can't," Hakyeon laughed. "But someday you might! Not as well as me, but you might—don't decide you can't do something so quickly, you're so much better with cameras now."

Taekwoon could feel himself flush, although the colour in his face was hidden by the soft darkness.

"No," Hakyeon mused softly. "You're so much better with us too."

Taekwoon frowned, a little quizzical as he looked towards Hakyeon. Hakyeon met his eyes with a small smile.

"You actually talk to us sometimes," Hakyeon said with a small laugh. "Ah, I guess I've been thinking about the past lately. We've almost debuted for three years, Taekwoon. Three years."

Three years was a long time.

"Because of our Starlights," Taekwoon said.

"And because of us," Hakyeon said. Taekwoon nodded. It was a little cold whenever the wind blew. Hakyeon wasn't wearing a jacket either—Taekwoon hadn't noticed. He thought about giving the jacket back to Hakyeon or maybe draping it over the both of them, but he didn't move. Instead, he watched as Hakyeon leaned over the railing before he straightened, resting his arms on the edge.

"It almost feels like we should be smoking," Hakyeon suddenly said—Taekwoon couldn't help but laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spring passed like the first hint of green peeking through the dark shell of a seed, the sprout that'd pushed achingly slow for days, weeks, through damp earth before being brushed by the faintest traces of light. So it was that March passed to April and April passed to May, and it was days before they were to fly to Manila that Taekwoon found Jaehwan all but flying towards him half laughing and half shrieking—Taekwoon had never quite figured out how to describe the sounds that Jaehwan made—before coming to a stop in front of Taekwoon, raising his arms as he cheered.

"Hyung, hyung—I'm going to be Anatoly—Kentoly, I'm going to be in a musical!"

Taekwoon had laughed and patted Jaehwan, and told him he'd done a good job.

And it was a few days later that Taekwoon looked up from his phone when his bed sank under a second person's weight, and he couldn't help the small smile as Jaehwan immediately wiggled under Taekwoon's blankets.

"Is this going to be a habit?" Taekwoon asked.

"It's not because I'm scared," Jaehwan said loudly. He pouted at Taekwoon and then lay down, staring at the ceiling.

"Then go to your own bed," Taekwoon said.

"But _hyung_ ," Jaehwan whined, wiggling his arms and shoulders and doing a rather good impression of either a three year old or a dying fish. But then he sighed, stilling.

"It's about your musical," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan laughed a little and nodded, the corner of his lips pulling outward as he did.

"I have so many _questions_ ," Jaehwan said—and then promptly launched into a list that had Taekwoon's head spinning, but the thing was, he didn't know how to answer them. Taekwoon bit at his lip, waiting for Jaehwan to wind down rather than cut him off—but it was Jaehwan who cut himself off.

"Hyung?" Jaehwan said. Taekwoon blinked at him and Jaehwan worried at his lip for a moment. "I'm being annoying, right?"

Taekwoon quickly shook his head. "Jaehwan-ah, I'm a rookie too," he said, and it was soft, so soft—softer than he usually spoke and softer even then. It was an admission but also a confession and an apology and Taekwoon let out a deep sigh, high and feathery and quiet.

There was the creak of the bed, and then Jaehwan had sat up enough to rest his head against Taekwoon's shoulder.

"But you're my sunbae," Jaehwan said.

"I didn't do very well," Taekwoon said, and again, it was too soft to be properly heard, Taekwoon was sure.

"Bullshit," Jaehwan snorted. He sat straight up and glared at Taekwoon out of the side of his eyes. "You did well—I watched it, I can tell if you did well or not. Besides... " Jaehwan paused, sinking back to lean against the headboard. "You're always so confident, y'know? Especially when you're on stage. I've always been jealous of you and Hakyeon hyung, it's like you always _know_ you'll do well."

Taekwoon laughed softly at that, finally putting his phone down in his lap. He gave Jaehwan a small, wry smile—answer enough and Jaehwan sighed. Taekwoon watched him out of the corner of his eye, at the way Jaehwan seemed to be fidgeting restlessly, at Jaehwan slowly sinking beneath the covers again until only half his face peeked out. The faint scent of mango lingered in the room and Taekwoon wished that they hadn't eaten them all at once, that he'd saved one for later. Jaehwan was still lying next to Taekwoon on the bed; Taekwoon wondered what it was that he was thinking that had him so quiet and unmoving, both rare things when it came to Lee Jaehwan.

There were many things that Jaehwan was thinking at that moment, many thoughts that swung about half formed and occasionally merged but more often simply disappeared again, the same thoughts that Taekwoon often said he couldn't understand. Jaehwan, at that moment, was picking through those thoughts, was thinking about how Taekwoon had said he always thought three times before he said anything.

"Stop being hard on yourself." It was so blunt that Jaehwan swallowed as soon as he'd said the words, and stared up at the ceiling, anything but where there was Taekwoon. "Ah, I mean that, hyung, you said you'd be better to yourself."

A soft puff of laughter as Taekwoon first startled at Jaehwan's initial words and then couldn't help but smile as Jaehwan back-pedaled into something more polite, like Taekwoon didn't know that Jaehwan was the furthest thing from a proper and polite dongsaeng. He leaned over Jaehwan whose eyes grew suddenly very wide before they crinkled in something resembling nervous laughter.

"Are you going to go back to your own bed?" Taekwoon asked.

Jaehwan shook his head and then quickly nodded when Taekwoon's eyes narrowed. He sat up—nearly smacking Taekwoon in the face with his own head, saved only by Taekwoon's quick reaction time. He was oddly quiet as he jumped onto his own bed, tugging the blankets free enough to fit himself under them.

"Jaehwan-ah," Taekwoon said. Jaehwan snapped about to look at him.

"Hyung?"

"I can try," Taekwoon said softly, "to help you for your musical."

Jaehwan made a loud pleased sound, nodding his head. "Good night, hyung!"

Taekwoon sighed and reached over for the lamp switch. "Night," he said.

For some reason, he wasn't particularly surprised when partway through the night, there was a warm body curled up next to him under the blankets. Taekwoon brushed his fingers over Jaehwan's hand and wished him another soft good night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon pushed a hand through his hair, his bangs growing long. The song he was working on stared at him blearily from the screen, melodies and harmonies blurring into one. He glanced at his phone, resting on the table—after a moment, he picked it up. His finger paused over his contacts list—Jaehwan was probably at rehearsal.

_Are you doing well?_ Taekwoon texted him instead.

It wasn't half a minute later when his phone rang, and Jaehwan's face popped up on his screen. Taekwoon laughed softly as he picked up.

"Hyung!" Jaehwan said, before Taekwoon even had a chance to say 'hello'.

"Are you doing well?" Taekwoon asked. He leaned back in his chair, wondering where Jaehwan was, what it was like where they were rehearsing, what the set was like, what his castmates were like.

"Of course!" Jaehwan's voice was loud even through the phone. Taekwoon winced and held his phone a little away from his face. But then there was a sigh and a shuffle and what sounded like Jaehwan walking somewhere else.

"Are you not practicing?" Taekwoon asked. "Can you be calling me?"

"You're the one who texted me first," Jaehwan said. "We're taking a break, and…"

A soft exhale, and Taekwoon could see the way his smile must've slipped in that moment, how the corner of his mouth would twitch.

"That's good," Taekwoon said, filling in Jaehwan's silence, but silence still lingered for a moment after his words.

"Hyung," Jaehwan said and then he paused for a moment, and his next words were soft. "I miss you."

Taekwoon's heart skipped a beat—he wanted to pat Jaehwan on the head, reassure him that he was doing fine because that was the only way he knew how. He wasn't good with words, he didn't know what to say.

"Work hard and have fun," Taekwoon said instead. "That's the most important."

"I _know_ , you keep saying that," Jaehwan whined. "I am working hard, and it is fun, but I still...It's always harder without everyone."

Taekwoon laughed softly. "We'll be here," he said. "It's good if you're doing well—then, I'll hang up so you can go practice."

"Alright," Jaehwan said, and then—"can you cook something for me tonight?"

"For just you?" Taekwoon asked, lips twisting in amusement.

"You said it not me bye hyung see you tonight!" Jaehwan said, and then there was silence. Taekwoon shook his head and put his phone away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the space of a moment, three years had passed. A blur of endless practice, flashes of performance and moments of tears, glittering gems of memories sprinkled through the time that had crawled along day by day and then disappeared, as time was wont to do.

They were each so buried in their own things, schedules rarely matching so that rehearsals with the six of them were the only time they were all together, that Taekwoon hadn't noticed Wonsik's unusual number of meetings with their managers and the company—it was with only the faintest recollection of them when Wonsik knocked on the door of his workroom.

Taekwoon looked up as Wonsik walked in. He was fidgeting, nervous, excited, and Taekwoon frowned at him.

"What is it?" he asked.

Wonsik hummed, smiled a little, and then: "do you want to work with me?"

Taekwoon stared at him and Wonsik quickly shook his head, flustered.

"No, I mean, do you want to work with just me? Ah, that's not a good way to put it either—I was thinking, if VIXX had a subunit—Well, I guess what I mean is, do you want to be in a subunit with me?" Wonsik scratched behind his ear.

Taekwoon blinked, as he processed _subunit_ , and _with just me_. Wonsik was still looking at him—hopeful, expectant, apprehensive, and Taekwoon swallowed.

"It's sudden," Taekwoon said and then he paused, those faint recollections prodding at his consciousness. "You've already talked to the company about this," he said. It wasn't nearly as much of a question as it ought to have been.

Wonsik laughed shakily. "You've found me out," he said. "Wouldn't it be good? And—" Wonsik gestured now at the keyboard behind Taekwoon. "You have so many songs that you've never released."

Ah. Taekwoon nodded. "You picked me instead of Jaehwan for that?" he asked.

"It's not just that—Jaehwan-hyung has his musical—I thought you'd be more…" Wonsik trailed off, frustration edging at his words especially when he realised that Jaehwan's musical was an even worse reason. Taekwoon laughed suddenly, and Wonsik's gaze snapped to him.

"I'd like it," Taekwoon said, still trying to hide his grin. "A subunit."

"Really? You'll do it with me?"

Taekwoon nodded and Wonsik laughed—and then immediately began rattling off a list of ideas and concepts. Taekwoon could tell he'd have a lot to catch up on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"To be honest, I'm a little jealous of hyung." Jaehwan's eyes squinted a little at Taekwoon. "I want to work with Wonsik too."

"Maybe next time," Taekwoon said. He toyed with the bottle resting between his legs on the couch.

"But I'm also a little sorry to hyung," Jaehwan said, and this time, the squint was accompanied by a slight grimace, a wry twist of his expression. Taekwoon stared at him.

"Why?"

"Because you deserve it more," Jaehwan said.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," Taekwoon said. "It's not about deserving or not."

"But you were so _happy_ doing Full House, and you're still my sunbae in musicals," Jaehwan said—Taekwoon rapped him on the head.

"And before me there was Hakyeon," Taekwoon said. "Does it matter?"

"Well…" Jaehwan's face twisted in some sort of thought and Taekwoon wondered again if it was okay for them to be drinking, but Jaehwan almost never got drunk and Taekwoon didn't think he really was right now either.

"Aren't you jealous of me?" Jaehwan gave Taekwoon a pointed look.

"That doesn't matter," Taekwoon said.

"So you are," Jaehwan said, and Taekwoon frowned.

"No, I think you'll do well," Taekwoon said. "As long as you work hard and enjoy it."

"And change without changing," Jaehwan said, and there was something akin to bitterness or maybe mockery there, and Taekwoon frowned harder. "You always say that."

"I say it because it's true," Taekwoon said. He paused, half expecting Jaehwan to interrupt but Jaehwan didn't and Taekwoon sighed. "Don't be so difficult."

"I'm not being difficult," Jaehwan said shortly. "I just think that you deserve to do another musical, but...but I also want to do this, and I want to work with Wonsik, _and_ I want to work with hyung."

"With me?"

"Who else?" Jaehwan asked. Taekwoon shrugged and Jaehwan shrugged as well. "We're the main vocal line on good terms—doesn't it make sense for us?"

"You want to do a lot," Taekwoon said.

"There's a lot to do," Jaehwan said.

"There's a lot of years to come, Jaehwan-ah," Taekwoon said. He leaned back against the couch and sighed. He glanced at Jaehwan with a small smile. "If you work hard and enjoy it, everything will come."

"Yes dad," Jaehwan grumbled. Taekwoon shook his head as he laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

The dorm was nearly empty and Taekwoon cloaked himself in the silence. He breathed it in, this space that he'd spent the past three, four years in—maybe five, he'd lost track. It was a small space shared between six people and sometimes Taekwoon wondered that they didn't fight more often than they did, than they had. He folded his legs in front of him as he sat on the couch, his phone resting on his lap.

From somewhere inside the big room he could hear Hakyeon humming to himself, getting dressed to go to his radio show recording. There was still time, it was still early, but Taekwoon knew that Hakyeon was taking advantage of this brief moment of calm as well. Utopia was over and comeback wasn't quite on the horizon but they were all still busy. It was good, being busy. They hadn't always been busy. There were days when Taekwoon would still realise with a jerk how far they'd come, usually when he was in his work room practicing when he ought to have been sleeping but he had to be practicing because it wasn't right—he'd realise that once, it'd been easier to practice like this simply because they'd had so much less to do. The VIXX that would change without changing—Jaehwan would tease him for it sometimes, but they couldn't lose who'd they'd been, but they couldn't stand still without improving either.

Jaehwan had a musical performance today and Sanghyuk was filming. Wonsik was busy with their subunit—they still hadn't settled on a concept yet, but they were both working hard with their songs and maybe they would simply pick one and build it around there.

Music filtered through his headphones and Taekwoon let himself sink into it, his eternal refuge. He could still remember the moment he'd thought—maybe music would be good too. It'd been a small thought, pushed away at first, an impossible what if that had blossomed into _this_. It was true that it'd been repeated injuries that had prodded him in this direction, but Taekwoon wondered if he wouldn't have ended up here in the end anyway. Wasn't that what he always answered—if he weren't an idol, he'd still be doing something related to music. Being an athlete... what would he have done when he really couldn't have played anymore? If he'd had another waist injury that wouldn't heal, if he'd grown too tired one day because he wasn't the _best_ and was never chosen for the starting line. Of course, he'd been lucky that he'd had music to turn to, that he'd always had music to turn to—he truly was lucky in so many ways, and he'd been lucky to be here, to have joined Jellyfish, to have met the trainees he had, to have become one of the best among them, to have _debuted_ , even if it'd been hard at first, being an idol. That, he didn't miss at all—Superhero, Rock Ur Body. The kids joked that On and On was their debut and he still remembered that one interview, when Hakyeon had said that it'd been good for Taekwoon because of how hard of a time he'd had with the cute concepts.

It hadn't been so bad to have led him here, even if he hadn't thought of being an idol at first. He'd wanted to _sing_ , sing ballads if he were to be honest, but that hadn't been where life had taken him. It'd been with slight reluctance at first that he'd decided he was alright with and _wanted_ to be an idol; it was something he wholeheartedly embraced now. And hadn't it brought him musicals, Blossom Tears, and he'd found he liked dancing, he liked it a lot even if it was hard at times. But at the same time he couldn't imagine not having something so physical to do, something to practice like it every day. It would have been too strange to go from practicing soccer or swimming or taekwondo every day to only practicing his voice.

There was movement at the peripheral at his vision and Taekwoon tugged out his earbuds to look at Hakyeon standing there.

"Are we going?" Taekwoon asked.

"Mmhmm, you're ready?"

Taekwoon scoffed, standing. "I've been ready," he said. He smacked Hakyeon on the back of the neck as he walked past but wasn't quite fast enough to avoid Hakyeon grabbing his hair and yanking.

"That hurt," Taekwoon whined, his lips pursing at Hakyeon.

"Good, it was supposed to," Hakyeon said pleasantly.

"You're mean," Taekwoon said. Hakyeon laughed as they both headed for the door. He guessed that Hakyeon had already texted Raon-hyung to come and get them and that he was already waiting for them downstairs. Hakyeon usually did that.

"Cute," Hakyeon said. Taekwoon glowered at him.

"Are we dropping you off first?" Taekwoon asked as they went down to the parking lot.

"Probably," Hakyeon said. "I have a schedule, you're just going to practice or work on your music right. How's it going? Your thing with Wonsik."

Taekwoon pursed his lips. "It's alright," he said softly.

"Are you nervous? You're going to be the leader aren't you—do you think you can do it? You'll have to actually talk if it's just you and Wonsik. But Wonsik's always been helpful so I think you'll be fine. I think you'll do well—"

"Am I the nervous one or are you?" Taekwoon levelled a flat look at Hakyeon and Hakyeon laughed.

"I think you'll do well," Hakyeon said firmly. He sighed. "I wish I could come see what you're working on more, but..."

"You're busy," Taekwoon said with a shrug.

Hakyeon laughed quietly and then sighed. "I did say that we'd be busy didn't I," he said. "We probably won't come back for a while—at least not until you and Wonsik are done, I don't think."

Taekwoon nodded. "Ah," he said, a thought suddenly coming. "Do well on your show. So Wonsik and I can come."

Hakyeon's eyes grew large as he looked at him, and then they crinkled as he smiled. "Of course! Did you doubt me?"

"And be nicer to your guests," Taekwoon said—he ran the rest of the way to the car as Hakyeon lunged for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Arghh, I can't believe you won again," Jaehwan growled, throwing the controller on the floor.

Taekwoon smiled at him smugly, putting down his controller and stretching his arms over his head. "Because I'm just that good," he said.

"More like because he's letting you win," Sanghyuk called out from behind them. Taekwoon whipped about and glared at him—Sanghyuk laughed, his eyes crinkling up cutely and Taekwoon decided to spare him. Also, he didn't want to get up.

"No he's not," Taekwoon said shortly. He turned to Jaehwan. "You're not letting me win."

"Well," Jaehwan said slowly—he yelped and hastily leapt away as Taekwoon lunged for him. "I didn't say I was!"

"You basically did," Sanghyuk said. "By not saying you didn't."

"Oi, do you want to die?" Jaehwan asked, still scampering away from Taekwoon. It was his turn to lunge for Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk laughed and held up his hands as Jaehwan tackled him to the ground.

Taekwoon laughed as the two of them got into a tickle fight. At some point, one of Sanghyuk's shoes had ended up next to Taekwoon—Taekwoon glanced at it. A smile twisted at the corner of his mouth as he picked it up and tossed it at them, indiscriminate with who his target was.

"What—" Jaehwan yelped, scrambling semi upright. His moment spent on giving Taekwoon a piteously wounded look had Sanghyuk grabbing both of Jaehwan's ankles and Jaehwan crashed down with a dramatic shriek. Taekwoon burst out laughing despite his best efforts to swallow it—but he really should stop them before one of them got hurt.

Sighing, he got to his feet and walked over, rapping both of them on the head with his knuckles.

"That's enough," he said, gathering his expression into a frown.

"Aw, you're no fun," Sanghyuk said, but he let Jaehwan go from his tickle attack. Jaehwan pouted at Sanghyuk and shuffled away. Sanghyuk blinked at Jaehwan, smiling serenely. "You were just rescuing Jaehwan-hyung weren't you?"

"It's not my fault you're both giants!" Jaehwan whined, tugging at his clothes as he stood. He glowered at Sanghyuk. "You should've just stayed tiny, this isn't fair."

"It's not my fault you're small," Sanghyuk said—and then yelped when Taekwoon hit him on the back of his neck.

"That's enough," Taekwoon said again. His mouth twisted into a small smile when they both pouted sadly at him. "Don't act cute."

"But you like it," Jaehwan whined, full of aegyo.

Taekwoon didn't deny it but he did hit Jaehwan on the back of the neck. Jaehwan pouted at him again.

They were waiting for the others to finish up various schedules before going to eat meat to celebrate the successful completion of Jaehawn's first musical, which was really just an excuse to eat meat. It was really just Hakyeon who was still missing—Wonsik was also at the company but in his workroom, Hongbin hanging out with him. Taekwoon had been in his own workroom all day and didn't think he could get any more productive work done—he wasn't sure how Wonsik did it.

He glanced at the FIFA game again and then at Jaehwan. Jaehwan just shrugged and glanced at Sanghyuk.

"Hyogi, do you want to play?"

"Sure," Sanghyuk said. He hopped over to join them and then looked at both of them. With a sigh, Taekwoon handed him his controller.

He watched as Jaehwan and Sanghyuk set up the game, smiling as they bickered. Taekwoon draped himself over Jaehwan, his chin resting on Jaehwan's shoulder. Jaehwan glanced at him but didn't push him off, not that he ever had.

His dongsaengs had always been obliging like that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I really am jealous of you," Jaehwan said. He leaned against Taekwoon and sighed deeply. Rehearsals for Cinderella hadn't started yet—Taekwoon was a little envious that Jaehwan had been cast for the same role as Junghwan, it must be fun to practice with your friend—and Jaehwan had a few days breather that he was taking full advantage of. Taekwoon didn't, but him and Wonsik had also been chased from their studios and ordered to take a break.

So here he was, back in the dorm at seven, the sky not even dark yet. Wonsik was sleeping, miraculously. Hakyeon and Hongbin and Sanghyuk were all out and the dorm was oddly silent. It'd been silent a lot these days. The six of them were rarely here at the same time—Wonsik spent half his nights sleeping in the studio anyway, maybe more.

The credits for the movie had long finished, the screen gone black. Taekwoon wasn't sure why they'd been watching it again, but Jaehwan had wanted to and Taekwoon hadn't particularly minded either way. He wasn't sure why they'd watched Love Actually even once.

Taekwoon hummed, leaning back against the wall.

"You're not gonna complain?" Jaehwan asked. "Tell me not to be jealous?"

"Why would I?" Taekwoon said.

"Because you should," Jaehwan said. "it'd make me feel better."

Silence fell briefly over them as Taekwoon considered Jaehwan's words. And yet, there were times when he knew that Jaehwan’s voice, full and bold, was more suited to musicals than his own, high and angel clear—that it would be Jaehwan from now on who’d be in musical after musical, and not him.

"I guess I shouldn't be though, since I have so many things—and I had One by One too, didn't I."

Taekwoon laughed softly. "It feels like we've had this conversation before," he said.

"Did we?" Jaehwan frowned and then sighed.

He fell silent and Taekwoon supposed that he was thinking, maybe of the last time. It'd been just after Jaehwan had been confirmed for Cinderella, some time after Wonsik had first broached the idea of their subunit.

It'd be VIXX's first subunit—VIXX LR. It was clever in many ways. Left and Right, Leo and Ravi, the first and last letter of liar. The two opposites, the truth and the lie. And Wonsik's song was a good one, it was a good title track. In the end, they'd tucked away some of the concepts for later; Taekwoon was still a little hesitant that there was a good chance that VIXX's next concept would be 'slaves'. They'd do it well though, that was what VIXX was good at.

"Oh, I guess we did," Jaehwan said and Taekwoon laughed softly.

"Yes," he said.

Jaehwan shifted against Taekwoon before sitting up. Taekwoon patted Jaehwan on the leg, a near unconscious gesture, a near unconscious comfort.

"Jaehwan-ah," Taekwoon said. He spoke softly, more softly than usual, softly even for him.

"What, hyung?" Jaehwan turned to look at him.

"The next time I do a musical, I'll ask you for help," Taekwoon said.

"You will?" Jaehwan asked, blinking. "But why?"

Taekwoon laughed, patting Jaehwan's leg. "You'll have more experience," he said.

"Ah? That's true," Jaehwan said. He squinted at Taekwoon, brows drawn into a light frown. "I still want to do a subunit."

"Of course you do," Taekwoon said placidly.

"But! I'm going to cheer hyung on, you know that right? You and Wonsikkie, but I really want to do a subunit." Jaehwan sighed heavily, dramatically. "I mean, it'd be good with hyung—didn't you say that In a Cold Night was the first song you wrote?—but since Wonsik wrote Memory for Hyuk, I wonder what he could write for me?"

"You like Wonsik's songs more than mine?" Taekwoon asked.

"No! I mean, I like them both?" Jaehwan said tentatively.

"You should like mine more," Taekwoon said.

"You're putting me in a difficult place, hyung," Jaehwan whined. He grabbed Taekwoon's arm and shook it. Taekwoon pulled his arm out of Jaehwan's grasp and hit him lightly on the neck.

"Is mine and Wonsik's debut the only thing you're thinking about?"

"No, I'm thinking about lots of things," Jaehwan said. He pouted, petulant.

"But," Jaehwan said, resting his head against Taekwoon's shoulder again. "You know that even if I'm jealous of you, I still really like hyung right?"

Taekwoon flushed and smacked Jaehwan on the head again, even as his heart skipped a beat. His eyes lingered a moment too sharp on Jaehwan but Jaehwan wasn't looking at him. "Cheesy," he mumbled, and Jaehwan laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

There'd been something enticing, captivating, almost hypnotising about the sea at night, and some days it was to the sound of those waves that he fell asleep to, the memory of them lapping at the shores of his consciousness. It hadn't been the first MV that he'd filmed without VIXX, but filming it with Wonsik had made him feel like the rest of VIXX ought to have been there.

And yet, in a way, it'd been almost liberating.

Taekwoon had felt a little guilty when he'd pinned that down, after they'd finally finished that last shoot and after he'd finally thrown himself into bed. There'd been no one to laugh at him or watch him or judge him except for Wonsik and the staff—and he was always exceptionally thankful to the staff for their direction. Besides, Wonsik's acting had been far worse than his own—Taekwoon had to stifle a laugh every time he remembered it.

Comeback—debut, it was a debut—was so close and Taekwoon was nervous for so many different reasons. There were all the usual ones: would they do well, would their fans like the song, would the public like the song, were the other songs on the album alright, but then there were those that Taekwoon held close to himself, afraid that were he to allow them any room to breathe they would take over every inch of his being, swell and grow and fill him to the brim.

But even so, it had him seeking out Hakyeon in the dead of night because that was when Hakyeon had returned. It was more like waiting. Hakyeon had shaken him awake when he'd found Taekwoon sleeping on the couch, and now they were outside in the summer night, while the kids were asleep inside.

"I don't know," Hakyeon admitted. He laughed softly. "You should know that though, shouldn't you, do you remember how many times I asked you the same question? Mm, not quite the same but similar. I guess I didn't expect you to know the answer either—but you expect me to know it now, don't you?"

Taekwoon nodded as he fiddled with the hem of his sleeve, his knees propped up as they sat on the curb. Their voices were quiet, hushed—this was a time when any sensible person was asleep.

"Well," Hakyeon said wryly, "at least Wonsik doesn't need any actual leading unlike the rest of you. I suppose it'll mostly be that you'll actually have to talk every now and then and introduce the group. You'll get to say 'hello, we are'—but that's not what you're really worried about is it?"

Taekwoon bit at his lip. He glanced sideways at Hakyeon, corner of his lip pulling outward.

"You're too easy to read, you know that?" Hakyeon said. He patted Taekwoon and laughed softly again.

"It'll be hard for Wonsik," Taekwoon said. It was almost under his breath, it was so soft. "It's always hard for whoever works with me."

"I don't find it hard," Hakyeon said immediately. "Ah, but I guess I already talk all the time when it's just the two of us isn't it?"

Taekwoon snorted; this moment was proof enough.

"You make a good host, good MC," Taekwoon said.

"Ah, that's a compliment!" Hakyeon clapped his hands together gleefully, and Taekwoon softly struck the back of Hakyeon's neck in annoyance.

"I meant you talk a lot," Taekwoon said.

"I know," Hakyeon said. His tone suddenly softened, his expression growing serious. Taekwoon had always wondered that about Hakyeon, how quickly he could go from a smile to disappointment, from a laugh to annoyance, from smouldering hot to playfully sweet.

"I don't think you need to worry so much," Hakyeon said. "If this were debut—if this were two years ago, maybe even last year, I would be a little more worried, but I think you can do this, Taekwoonie."

Taekwoon shifted, stretching out one leg across the concrete, pulling the other up to his chest so he could rest his arm on it. Across the street, a cat trotted into their vision and then out of it, a faint shadow in the night.

"Don't call me that," Taekwoon grumbled.

"But it's cute to match cute you," Hakyeon said. "Taegoonie~"

"...I hate you," Taekwoon muttered. He sighed, letting himself fall sideways until he was leaning against Hakyeon. There was a small jerk as Hakyeon moved, but then there was nothing except a comfortable stillness.

"You're even cute when you're mad," Hakyeon said. "One day, you're going to show the rest of the world just how cute you are. Ah, this is a great chance for that—nothing against Wonsik, but you're much cuter than he is."

"I am _three years_ older than him," Taekwoon growled. He smacked away Hakyeon's hand when Hakyeon tried to pat him on the head, but otherwise he didn't bother to move.

"Cute," Hakyeon said. Taekwoon sighed deeply.

"You're not helping," Taekwoon complained, a little whiny.

"Did you expect me to?"

Taekwoon smacked Hakyeon on the leg and was immediately rewarded by a firm hit to the back of his neck that had him jerking upright and giving Hakyeon a piteous look.

"You're the leader," he said.

"Of course I am," Hakyeon said. "Why, do you want to be?"

Taekwoon shook his head quickly, not even wanting to joke about it.

"But you have no choice," Hakyeon said, and Taekwoon startled for a moment before he understood what Hakyeon meant, that they'd come back to the start of this entire conversation.

"I've said this before, but you've changed a lot, even if you can't see it yourself. Although is it that you can't, or you don't want to—but for one, you don't hide from the camera anymore. And haven't you been looking to Jaehwan for help with that too?"

Taekwoon could feel himself flush and he _knew_ that he'd just turned bright pink. It was habit that had him bringing his hands up to cover his face, even though it was just Hakyeon.

"I'm not your leader for nothing," Hakyeon said smugly. "But you two really have become the main vocal line on good terms. Truthfully, I never thought the two of you could be. Ah, I meant when we first started—maybe not until this year? Last year?"

"Why are we talking about this," Taekwoon whined. He finally dropped his hands from his face.

"I think it's cute," Hakyeon said.

"That Jaehwan and I are on good terms?" Taekwoon stared at him in mild disbelief, his brows furrowing.

"What else," Hakyeon said. He shrugged, waving it aside. "But it'll be good for you, if it's just you and Wonsik, and I think you know that too. You have to face your fears or you'll never overcome them, but I think you already know that it won't be so bad. Even though it might be because we've all been so busy I think...I think it's good that I let you all out of my sight. But now I want all of you back so don't think you're going to get away."

"You should keep being busy," Taekwoon said flatly.

"Ah? You don't want me here?" Hakyeon asked.

Taekwoon glowered at him. "No," he said. "You talk too much."

Hakyeon let out a soft bark of laughter, still mindful of the late hour. "Isn't that why you were waiting for me?" he said, teasing. Taekwoon shifted, but did not deny it.

Hakyeon sighed then, and his look at Taekwoon was utterly fond and nostalgic. "You never come to me for advice anymore," he said. "You used to do it all the time."

"Neither do you," Taekwoon said quietly. He hadn't really thought of it, not until this moment. Hakyeon had been so busy over the past few months that the kids had started coming to him instead, and it was against this backdrop that Taekwoon realised how little him and Hakyeon seemed to ever speak these days. Sometimes Hakyeon called the others or the others called him, but he rarely called Taekwoon.

"Ah, I guess that is true," Hakyeon said. "I wonder when that happened."

"A while," Taekwoon said.

"It has been hasn't it?" Hakyeon laughed. "I didn't even notice."

"No, that's not true." Taekwoon shook his head. "Because you said this before."

"Did I? Mmm, I guess that's possible. I must be getting old that I can't remember things like this anymore."

"Don't lie," Taekwoon said and Hakyeon laughed again.

"Ah? I'm not lying," Hakyeon said and Taekwoon sighed at him, resigned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

The door opened without warning and Taekwoon spun on his heel to snap at whoever it was to get the hell out—but met with Jaehwan's unimpressed face, Taekwoon felt too tired for it to be worth it.

"What," he bit out instead.

"Wow, you look like shit," Jaehwan said. He shut the door behind him and Taekwoon winced at how hard he'd closed it.

"Go away."

Jaehwan scoffed. "Sorry can't do."

Taekwoon's expression tightened as he stared Jaehwan down, but Jaehwan didn't even blink. He missed the days when Jaehwan would jump at a single look. He missed the days when _all_ of them would jump at a single look and leave him the hell alone.

"Not even a hello?" Jaehwan pouted a little. "I haven't seen you in...in...many? some? days?"

"Yesterday," Taekwoon said. They'd even shared a stage at the fanmeeting. He shook his head. "Why are you here?"

"To visit you and check that you're alive," Jaehwan said.

"Don't you have rehearsal? Go practice," Taekwoon said—Jaehwan laughed sharply.

"Do you know what time it is?" Jaehwan whipped out his phone and brandished it in Taekwoon's face. Taekwoon's eyes crossed as it moved about too fast to really see, but when he finally did register the first half to be '03', he couldn't help his soft 'ah' of surprise.

"That's right, it's _three in the morning_ , I'm not leaving until you come back with me and sleep."

Taekwoon rubbed at his eyes and blinked at Jaehwan. Jaehwan was wearing a loose t-shirt and shorts, like what he'd wear to bed. A face mask was hanging off his ears, and if Taekwoon looked like shit, Taekwoon hazarded that Jaehwan wasn't looking much better, exhausted as he was.

"You're grumpy," Taekwoon noted.

Jaehwan's mouth pulled tight into a frown. "I'm grumpy because it's three and you weren't home and sleeping like you should've been. It's in one day! You need the rest."

Taekwoon sighed deeply, rubbing at his arm. "It's in one day," he repeated softly. "That's why."

"You've finished recording, filming, everything—"

"The showcase," Taekwoon said before Jaehwan could continue. "And then music shows. I have to practice."

"Then practice at normal hours like the rest of us," Jaehwan said. His tone was softer this time and it was too obvious to Taekwoon how tired Jaehwan was as well. He'd been busy—they'd all been busy. Between America, ISAC, and their VIXXchool fanmeeting, their individual schedules, rehearsals, practices seemed to barely fit, shoved in with schedules bursting at the seams. Taekwoon briefly contemplated a barb at Jaehwan about his own practice times, but he didn't put voice to it and simply watched as Jaehwan gestured and continued. "And even if you didn't, I think you'll do fine. You've practiced so much."

"That's not how it works, Jaehwan-ah," Taekwoon said. He sighed and looked at the time on his own phone. The backing track for Remember was still playing—he finally remembered to hit 'stop'. A strange silence filled the room. It hadn't been silent in some time.

Jaehwan's expression was still tight, still serious, and Taekwoon sighed again. He rubbed at his arms, feeling suddenly awkward in his own practice room, unsure if he should sit or stand or what he should do at all. Jaehwan was watching him and Taekwoon couldn't quite piece together what Jaehwan was thinking, behind that look.

It was Jaehwan's turn to sigh. He held out a paper bag that Taekwoon hadn't even noticed he'd been holding.

"You get this if you come home with me," Jaehwan said flatly.

"A bribe?" Taekwoon's brows rose just the tiniest.

"Yup," Jaehwan said. "I'm breaking anti-corruption laws for you, hyung."

Taekwoon snorted softly in laughter and his lips twitched in an entirely involuntary smile as he peered into the bag and came out with a cup of iced coffee. He looked at Jaehwan, half amused, half bemused.

"I can't believe I found anything that was open at this time but I needed some leverage," Jaehwan grumbled.

"So you got out of bed and went searching for iced coffee."

"I did not—" Jaehwan said immediately and then stopped, lips twisting.

"You're wearing what you sleep in," Taekwoon said softly. Jaehwan looked down as if surprised at his own choice of clothes. Taekwoon shook his head.

"Coffee?" Taekwoon asked. "It's night."

Jaehwan shrugged. "Yeah but for some reason you always seem calmer with coffee," he said. Jaehwan suddenly narrowed his eyes. "But you only get it if you promise to come home with me!"

Taekwoon sighed and sank down into the chair, looking into the paper bag again. Jaehwan was still standing there, glaring down at Taekwoon with irritation and Taekwoon mused for a moment how the tables had turned, that it was Jaehwan being the one angry at Taekwoon.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Taekwoon asked.

"I can't sleep if you're not there," Jaehwan said. Taekwoon looked up sharply, but he couldn't decipher if Jaehwan was joking or not. His tone had been flat and his expression was still serious, but that didn't mean much when it came to Jaehwan. He wasn't Taekwoon.

"You're not going home if I don't," Taekwoon said. It was almost a question and Jaehwan nodded in answer.

"Hyung, sleep," Jaehwan said.

"Why aren't you bothering Wonsik?"

"Because he's asleep," Jaehwan said. He wrinkled his nose. "Probably."

Taekwoon laughed a little, highly doubting that. But if Wonsik was asleep he didn't want to disturb him and if he wasn't he also didn't want to disturb him. Small barbs of irritation still stuck to him at being interrupted, but he would've felt like a real ass if he'd brushed Jaehwan off after he'd come all this way instead of sleeping.

Taekwoon reached into the bag, the iced coffee still cold and damp. He met Jaehwan's eyes as he sipped at it, catching the straw between his lips.

"That means you're coming home with me," Jaehwan said. "Alright, pack up—no just stand up and let's go."

"Pushy," Taekwoon muttered. He tucked his phone into his pocket and stood up as Jaehwan had said, one hand occupied with the coffee that he was still drinking.

"How did you come?" Taekwoon asked.

Jaehwan laughed, grinning mischievously at Taekwoon. "Borrowed the keys to the car," he said.

"Borrowed, or took," Taekwoon said—he sighed. Maybe he didn't want to know, and Jaehwan driving him back was a far sight better than the walk he'd been expecting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hakyeon had been impossibly waiting for them when they'd gotten home after Kiss the Radio and Taekwoon watched with some bemusement from the couch as Hakyeon rounded on Wonsik for ignoring Hakyeon and his question—but really, even Ryeowook hyung had called his 'what is Cha Hakyeon to LR' question a useless one. Wonsik was putting up an admirable fight but Hakyeon was in perfect form and Wonsik didn't have a chance.

Taekwoon's plan was to simply stare Hakyeon down until he went away; the moment Wonsik had opened his mouth to defend himself was the moment he'd lost. Wonsik met Taekwoon's eyes pleadingly, but Taekwoon simply shrugged, the corner of his lip quirking in not quite hidden amusement.

"I thought you were LR's biggest fan," Taekwoon finally said.

Hakyeon whirled on Taekwoon, leaving Wonsik to give Taekwoon a grateful look. He owed Taekwoon one after this.

"That's right," Hakyeon said primly. "I'm your biggest fan, shouldn't you answer my question right away?"

Taekwoon met Hakyeon's eyes and shrugged. "But you already know the answer," Taekwoon said.

The corner of Hakyeon's lips tugged outward as he narrowed his eyes at Taekwoon.

"You wanted to be praised on air," Taekwoon said, mouth twisting in a barely hidden laugh.

"Ah, our Taekwoonie understands best," Hakyeon cooed. Taekwoon internally rolled his eyes at Hakyeon's dramatics, but he couldn't be bothered to dampen Hakyeon's good mood. "LR really are the best, and aren't I a great fan of a great group?"

Taekwoon tuned Hakyeon out with a sigh; never mind having eighty percent of what Hakyeon said go out his other ear, he'd rather keep eighty percent from going in even one. Eventually, Hakyeon huffed and went to find someone else to bother, but not after showering—and smothering—him and Wonsik in praise, while drowning Hakyeon himself with praise at the same time. But then again, this was Cha Hakyeon, and self-praising was what Cha Hakyeon did best.

Taekwoon blinked blearily, not realising he'd fallen asleep on the couch until it'd dipped down under someone else's weight. He rubbed at his eyes, thinking he really ought to wake up enough to wash up and head to bed when the said someone was suddenly all over Taekwoon. He really was awake once he'd flung Jaehwan off.

Taekwoon sighed deeply.

"Fan abuse," Jaehwan whined, rubbing at his butt once he'd picked himself off the floor. "Is that how you treat your fans?"

Taekwoon gave Jaehwan a flat look, ruined when he had to stifle a yawn. At least it got a yawn out of Jaehwan too and Taekwoon breathed a small laugh at how cute Jaehwan was. Taekwoon only shrugged as Jaehwan threw himself onto the couch next to Taekwoon, bottom lip jutted out.

"Only number two," Taekwoon said placidly.

"Number two!?" Jaehwan was mock outraged. "I should be number one! Wasn't I the first one to visit you at filming?"

"Number one and number two," Taekwoon corrected himself. "It's special treatment."

"It's not fair, Hakyeon-hyung's only number one because I can't be," Jaehwan whined. "I want to support LR more too—but I call you and cheer you on right? And you pick up my calls!"

"I pick up everyone's calls," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan's mouth twitched, and then he sighed deeply. "I want to watch yours and Wonsik's stages too," he said, whining loudly. "And bring you lunch and go to your fansigns like Hyuk did."

"You wrote us a letter," Taekwoon pointed out softly. "You have a musical in a few days—you need to focus on that."

"Yeah, but..." Jaehwan made a face, petulant.

"Musical," Taekwoon said. "It's more important."

Jaehwan huffed. "Well I still want to support you more," he said.

"Then do well as Prince Christopher," Taekwoon said. Jaehwan laughed.

"Like I wasn't going to anyway." Jaehwan declared. He settled himself more comfortably in the couch, half leaning against Taekwoon, his weight warm against Taekwoon's side. For a brief moment, Taekwoon thought of wrapping his arm around Jaehwan, pulling him closer to himself.

There were still moments when Taekwoon couldn't believe this was real—that him and Wonsik were on stage together, alone, that the songs they were singing belonged to them alone. That it hadn't been a dream, the six of them gathered as they'd waited for its release—their debut—and yes, Taekwoon still remembered his heart in his throat, still remembered feeling like he'd fall apart if he weren't clutching his pieces together. Couldn't quite wrap his thoughts around that it was just the two of them on shows, doing radio—but there had been Hakyeon today. Infuriating as always, more so, when he and Wonsik were in Hakyeon's domain and under his absolute power, more or less. Yet, how familiar it had been. 

"Y'know, that's the most I've ever heard you speak—on camera, on the radio, I mean that I've ever heard you speak and it was on camera," Jaehwan said.

Taekwoon scoffed and shook his head, not deigning that with a response. He realised a second later that it was a point in Jaehwan's favour, no matter how false his statement had been, but Taekwoon couldn't be bothered.

"I wish you'd do that when it was with all of us too," Jaehwan said. He glanced at Taekwoon, mouth twisting a little. "All of VIXX, not just with Wonsik. You _can_ express yourself well on camera, hyung—you can do it better than me, I can't talk like you talk."

"You talk like you talk," Taekwoon said. Jaehwan made another face at Taekwoon and Taekwoon breathed out a laugh. "And radio is different."

"You never talk that much when VIXX are on radio either," Jaehwan said, and Taekwoon supposed that was true. He shrugged. When there were six of them and there was Cha Hakyeon to hog the mic, Taekwoon didn't need to say a word. When it was just him and Wonsik—well, it wasn't like Wonsik could talk alone.

"Also!" Jaehwan said—Taekwoon startled a little at Jaehwan's volume, snapping about to stare at him. Jaehwan's eyes crinkled as he laughed at Taekwoon; for a brief moment, Taekwoon caught what he was sure were sparkling stars in his eyes before they nearly closed. Taekwoon chopped him lightly on his neck for good measure, glowering at him. Jaehwan whined as he rubbed at his neck.

"I was going to say, it's not fair that it's like Wonsik is your PR trainer," Jaehwan said, still giving Taekwoon a foul look. "That's supposed to be my job."

Taekwoon stared flatly at Jaehwan. He hadn't been aware that it'd been any sort of job, and certainly not Jaehwan's. Or Wonsik's, when it came down to it.

"But y'know, even though you're speaking well you should smile more," Jaehwan said. He grinned widely to demonstrate, eyes forming a literal >< face; Taekwoon whacked him softly on the head.

"It's not that I speak well, it's that your lines are messy," Taekwoon said. He felt like his cheeks were turning pink but he didn't want to rub at them to find out, and could only hope that they weren't at all.

"My lines are _not_ messy," Jaehwan huffed. He sighed and leaned more heavily against Taekwoon. "Smile more and talk louder—that's what you need to do."

"Be more polite," Taekwoon countered.

"But I can barely hear you," Jaehwan said. He'd grown serious suddenly; Taekwoon felt the urge to pat him on the head. "And what's the point of radio if no one can hear you?"

"You're turning into Hakyeon," Taekwoon said. "Nagging."

"I'm not Kenjumma for nothing," Jaehwan said and then laughed. "But! I don't hit people or yell at them so I'm better than Hakyeon hyung right? Right?"

Taekwoon glanced over his shoulder, wondering if Hakyeon had heard. When there was no outburst of protest physical or otherwise, Taekwoon laughed softly and pat Jaehwan on the head, a small smile lingering unwittingly.

"Besides, I'm much cuter," Jaehwan said proudly. Taekwoon stared at him flatly as Jaehwan made cooing sounds, eyes squeezed shut as he did that thing with his fingers held into Vs, cycling through every single ridiculous bout of aegyo that he had until he finally gave up, Taekwoon miraculously maintaining a straight face.

There were times when Jaehwan reminded him of spring—volatile, impulsive, unpredictable. Unexpected clear skies, sudden bursts of rain, sharp drops and spikes in the temperature. It made him strange, odd, but at times like these, Taekwoon was keenly aware that Jaehwan, in his own strange way, was trying to cheer him up, whether or not Taekwoon needed cheering up. Was trying to make him laugh, like Jaehwan had never stopped playing that game where the kids and Hakyeon took turns trying to get him to break his poker face—what did it say about him that lately, it seemed to be far too easy for Jaehwan.

Taekwoon sighed as Jaehwan changed tactics, pouting as he burrowed against Taekwoon like an overexcited puppy. He gently pushed Jaehwan away, hand on his forehead, prompting yet another round of theatrical crying. No wonder musical directors loved Jaehwan. There was a twitch in his own chest as he wondered if they'd like Taekwoon as much. If it had gone well.

He thought about asking Jaehwan about his musical but Jaehwan had finally quieted. Like an early April day, Taekwoon mused as he glanced beside him. Jaehwan was staring off to the distance, his face solemn, contemplative. It brought a small smile to Taekwoon's lips even as he looked away, leaned back against the couch, thought of going to bed but he could still hear Hakyeon's chatter, far too awake.

Hongbin's voice woke him—Taekwoon hadn't realised he'd dozed off.

"Hyung?" Hongbin said again. "I—oh, I thought you were alone."

Taekwoon looked at Jaehwan beside him, his eyes gently shut, mouth a little open.

"What is it?" Taekwoon asked Hongbin.

Hongbin shook his head and shrugged. "About… Have you talked to Hakyeon hyung?"

"I will," Taekwoon said. A small smile slipped about Hongbin's mouth, the one he seemed the least aware of. When had this become a habit Taekwoon wondered—Hongbin's quiet voice in the van back after Dream Team, Jaehwan now on the couch beside him, and Sanghyuk earlier in the week, although Taekwoon was fairly sure Sanghyuk had simply come to bother him because Hakyeon hadn't been around and, well.

"Thanks hyung," Hongbin said, his smile growing bigger before it moulded into a light frown as he gestured at Jaehwan. "We should wake him up."

"I will," Taekwoon said again, this time to reassure Hongbin, but he was reluctant to do so, to dislodge the warmth of Jaehwan from his side. He made a gesture towards the bathroom, empty at the moment. A mischeivous smile tugged at the corner of his lips, his next words pitched a little louder than he'd usually speak. "Before Hakyeon gets to it."

"I heard that!" Hakyeon yelled from the bedroom—Hongbin, like the terrible person he was, simply stood by and laughed when Hakyeon came out into the living room to shower Taekwoon with affection. Of the painful, physical kind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out of the countless places, countries, and cities they'd been to, Japan always seemed different; a little easier, a little more comfortable, a little more familiar. The sounds of the language had long since ceased to be mere syllables, and Taekwoon could—however haltingly—order food and coffee in Japanese.

But Japan was not home, and like every place that was not home, it was to a hotel room that they came back to; for Taekwoon, it was also to a Jaehwan in his bed.

"Get out," he said. He frowned, rubbing the towel through his hair.

Jaehwan grinned up at him. "Don't wanna," he said, sing song. "Besides, I feel like I haven't seen hyung in _forever_ —"

"Jaehwan."

Jaehwan made a huffing sound as he shrugged, sitting up but not leaving Taekwoon's blankets. Taekwoon stared at him—when Jaehwan didn't move, Taekwoon sighed and climbed into bed from the other side. He reached over Jaehwan to plug his phone into the outlet, ignoring Jaehwan's protest when Taekwoon's elbow dug into his chest.

"Go to your own bed," Taekwoon said. Yet, the number of times Jaehwan had ended up in Taekwoon's bed instead of his own when they shared a hotel room was a non negligible number, and Taekwoon could not say he particularly minded anymore. He'd stopped particularly minding a long time ago; it had faded into mild irritation and moulded itself into some sort of strange fondness, a small bit of warmth in his chest.

Jaehwan, as if reading Taekwoon's thoughts, did not return to his own bed. With another sigh, Taekwoon lay down next to Jaehwan and tugged the blankets up to his chin. He glanced at Jaehwan, still leaning back against the headboard. Taekwoon couldn't tell what Jaehwan was looking at, if he was looking at anything at all.

"Are you ready for Cinderella?" Taekwoon asked. There was a small shift of satisfaction inside of him when Jaehwan looked at him sharply and then a little guiltily, like a child who'd been caught hiding sweets.

"I think so," Jaehwan said. He breathed out a laugh, bringing his hands up to fold behind his head. "It's a lot of fun—but I'm still nervous."

"Mm." Taekwoon hummed an acknowledgement, feeling sleep tugging at his eyelids. They were finally going back tomorrow and his head spun with the schedules planned for the next few weeks—not even including their upcoming comeback.

"But I really haven't seen you in forever," Jaehwan said. "At least not properly y'know? Hyung, did you fall asleep already?"

Taekwoon shook his head a little but didn't bother opening his eyes.

"You'll do well," Taekwoon said. He meant it—Jaehwan had long since grown confident, but these past few weeks, months, Taekwoon had watched as that confidence had bloomed and swelled and not without cause. But Jaehwan just laughed, loud and raucous. It was a jarring sound; Taekwoon struck out at Jaehwan blindly and Jaehwan doubled over coughing as if mortally wounded. Taekwoon cracked open an eye to glare at him.

Jaehwan pouted at him sadly, hurt. A small huff of breath left Taekwoon and he closed his eyes again, this time turning onto his front and burying his face into the pillow.

"But I wanted to talk," Jaehwan said, and it ought to have been whined but it was not. Taekwoon nearly sighed. There was a hand on his head and Taekwoon hit at Jaehwan's arm but he couldn't be too bothered to do it the second time Jaehwan pet him on the head.

"You're really sleeping?"

Taekwoon nodded as best as he could and made a note to himself to hit Jaehwan in the morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comeback. _Comeback._ The word itself seemed to ring with potency, echoing, ringing; a summoning bell, a call to action, the herald of a new age to come.

Or something.

It also meant six people juggling far more than six schedules and the near impossible task of carving out any amount of time they could all be together, all at the same time. New songs, new concept, new dances—so much new and his head was still whirling from VIXX LR, from Japan and back and Japan again, from August and September, and October seemed to have slipped almost entirely away and comeback. Hongbin's last stage as a MC had come and gone but he had his drama, and Hakyeon's radio show and MC gig were both coming to an end because comeback, and Jaehwan still had Cinderella but it'd been so long, so long and it was a proper comeback with a real concept and all and it was to be a full album. There wasn't a part of Taekwoon that wasn't thrumming in excitement.

There had been a twitch of amusement when they had settled on the 'slave' concept after all—sexy slaves of love. That, Taekwoon could work with. Was _ready_ to work with. He loved their Starlights, truly—but there was a small thread of glee at how much this would wreck them. In a good way, an enjoyable way, but they truly wouldn't know it was coming until it hit them. Every time the thought crossed his mind, Taekwoon had to work hard to bite back the small twist of a smug smile.

But it was still cold and they'd been awake for far too many hours given how early it was. Bundled into thick, sponsored jackets between shots made it bearable—but Taekwoon had always believed that you were only as cold as you thought you were. Right now, he'd decided it wasn't that cold. Or was trying.

"I'm cold," Jaehwan declared. His bottom lip jutted out pathetically and Taekwoon sighed, shaking his head. He wasn't particularly surprised when Jaehwan slipped his arms under Taekwoon's jacket and wrapped them around his waist, burrowing his face into Taekwoon's jacket. Taekwoon sighed again but Jaehwan's warmth was welcome. He patted Jaehwan several times on the back, glancing over to where the production crew were discussing the shots they'd already taken. Taekwoon felt like they'd gotten good ones. A camera was leaving Sanghyuk and headed towards them, and Taekwoon gently shoved Jaehwan off.

"Here," Taekwoon said. He reached into his pocket and came out with a few packages of cookies.

"Did you buy those yourself?" Sanghyuk joined them and Jaehwan automatically shuffled over to make room for him. Taekwoon glanced at Sanghyuk but continued working at separating the packages, his fingers stiff from the cold. "Seems like your taste is strange, hyung."

"You don't like them?" Taekwoon asked. He'd finally managed to rip apart the plastic, and it was good if Sanghyuk didn't want one—he kept one for himself and handed the other to Jaehwan. "They're really good."

Sanghyuk scoffed.

"Your taste is just strange," Sanghyuk said again. Taekwoon mimed a blow at Sanghyuk, but the brat just laughed at him and Taekwoon settled for glaring at the giant brat.

"Ift's gffooff," Jaehwan said—both Sanghyuk and Taekwoon's looks at him were less than impressed. Jaehwan wrinkled his nose, quickly chewing and swallowing. "It's good!" he said again. Intelligible, much louder, and with a spray of crumbs. Taekwoon sighed heavily and Sanghyuk just laughed.

Taekwoon was faintly aware of Eokyong-hyung with the camera as he demolished his own cookie, glaring Sanghyuk down every time he made a comment about Taekwoon's strange, old person tastes. Jaehwan, grasping onto his few strands of self-preservation, quickly began to counter Sanghyuk with praise for the cookies. Taekwoon would've laughed if his mouth hadn't been full—he did laugh once he'd swallowed it all, albeit a small laugh more for himself than the other two.

"We should have Ken TV again!" Jaehwan said out of the blue. Sanghyuk smacked Jaehwan lightly in the back.

"We have three MCs!" Sanghyuk said and then turned brightly to face the camera. "Ok we're ready!"

"The three of us've been filming since early this morning," Sanghyuk told VIXX TV. "Filming for our second album's music video."

"Chained up~ Chained up~" Jaehwan sang out. He tugged at his choker, displaying it for the camera.

"Aish, I'm talking!" Sanghyuk shoved Jaehwan out of the way and Taekwoon's lips twitched in laughter. Jaehwan pouted, cheeks drooping dramatically; Sanghyuk laughed as well.

He gave Taekwoon a sly glance that Taekwoon wasn't sure he liked—which quickly became 'was sure he didn't like' at Sanghyuk's jibe at his age. Taekwoon stared at Sanghyuk, glancing at Jaehwan who was nodding along.

"Ah, I'm born in '90," Sanghyuk said in what was clearly meant to be a terrible mimicry of either Taekwoon or a dying cow. Taekwoon opted for the second when Sanghyuk tacked on a few badly faked coughs. Oh, how much he wanted to hit Sanghyuk right now.

"Aigoo," Jaehwan cooed—Taekwoon's lips twitched and he shoved at Jaehwan.

"Let's shout 'fighting' together!" Sanghyuk quickly cut in before Jaehwan even had a chance to whine—or before Taekwoon had a chance to round on Sanghyuk as well.

Their little VIXX TV spot ended when Hakyeon showed up and all four of them snapped back to business. Taekwoon sneaked a glance at the others; their expressions were serious, focussed on the camera or in the distance as the director had instructed, all traces of cute playfulness gone as they immersed themselves—however briefly—in the concept.

Even with the geese honking in the background. Taekwoon barely stifled a laugh; Jaehwan's "bok booookkkk bokkkkk", "cawwwww caw cawwww", and "ahhhh ah ahhhh"s from earlier as he'd flapped his arms like an oversized bird in an overly large puffy jacket suddenly came back to mind. Swallowing it for the next shot was a challenge and Taekwoon blinked several times to regain his composure, Sanghyuk's hand still on his shoulder.

"Ah hyung, you're doing that thing with your mouth again," Sanghyuk complained when they had to retake the shot.

"What thing," Taekwoon said flatly—he stepped on Jaehwan's foot for good measure. Jaehwan's fault for laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some days, Taekwoon found himself tracing the memories that had led him here. Interviews, radio shows, dredging up old goals and old resolutions; regrets of all the things he could've done better, should've done earlier.

Standing in front of a mirror as Jaehwan coached him through more and more ridiculous bouts of aegyo that inevitably ended with Taekwoon on the floor, head in his hands—well, Taekwoon wasn't sure about that one. At this point, he was convinced that Jaehwan just liked to watch him suffer. 

(Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, the door firmly shut as he tugged the corners of his lips upwards, hands curled into loose fists by his cheeks, a mantra of 'it's not that bad, it's not that bad' running circles in his head even as he was uncomfortably aware of how ridiculous he looked, and not cute at all. And yet, he refused to allow this year to end the way last year had, refused to let this round of variety shows to leave the bitter taste of regret at the back of his throat.)

The only time they saw Hongbin these days seemed to be at music shows and fansigns if even then, but it was nice to have Hakyeon back, an ever firm leader. It was a bigger breath of comfort for Taekwoon than he would've liked to admit—because if Taekwoon was the only person Hakyeon didn't have to be hyung and leader to, Hakyeon was the only person Taekwoon didn't have to be hyung to. He didn't mind the kids most days, but there were still days he was glad for Hakyeon. It was good to have someone to direct them to with their worries and messages and questions, even if sometimes he felt like a filter, a seabreak.

Taekwoon wasn't sure if it was better or worse that Sunggyu had MC'd their Weekly Idol appearance; he'd collapsed pathetically next to Sunggyu afterwards. " _Hyung_ ," he whined, and Sunggyu had laughed and told him he'd done well.

"Wow," Jaehwan had said afterwards, eyes wide, "you really were the youngest." Taekwoon literally kicked Jaehwan's ass for that. It was alright, he had a lot of ass.

If Taekwoon were asked about it after, he would've said that between fansigns and music shows and radio shows and Chinese lessons and Japanese lessons and, and _everything_ , the moment he'd learned he'd be joining the cast of Mata Hari had been a simple moment of acknowledgement, a single moment of acceptance, a blip in between comeback, comeback, comeback.

He would've said that the weeks of practice slotted through Beautiful Liar, of swallowed worry he was too afraid to show the others, of that single moment of audition when he'd been able to forget all that as he poured his heart into singing—he would've said that he hadn't been waiting for the crash of disappointment, that it hadn't lingered through those days even as he'd pushed the worries away when there'd been so much to do in the day.

"You can show some emotion, you know," Hakyeon said, and Taekwoon didn't know how to say that he was bursting with emotion, with glee, with giddiness; that habit had brought up the walls and shuttered down the shields because if they weren't there, Taekwoon didn't know if he'd ever managed to collect those emotions again. It was alright—the rest of the members showed enough emotion to make up for him and Taekwoon couldn't help his fond smile. For all that VIXX ragged on VIXX, at the end of the day, no one loved VIXX as much as VIXX and Taekwoon loved them all for it.

But instead, Taekwoon had shrugged at Hakyeon, locked himself into his practice room, and sent a cursory text to Jaehwan who was probably on stage at that very moment.

And then there was Jaehwan—Jaehwan and Sanghyuk both that Taekwoon could acknowledge now he might've been too hard on during those early days. It hadn't been _entirely_ his fault—Jaehwan had seemed alright with avoiding him just as much as Taekwoon would rather Jaehwan stay away, far too noisy for his own good. Sanghyuk had been Sanghyuk—ultimately fearless and hadn't been a good group maknae for very long.

But Jaehwan.

It'd turned out alright though, hadn't it? Just like everything else.

"At this rate, you'll end up closer to Jaehwan than to me," Hakyeon commented quietly.

It seemed like ages since they'd last shared a hotel room and Taekwoon startled at the faint thread of jealousy in Hakyeon's words that lingered in the large space.

"No," Taekwoon said, not even sure what he was denying. And then: "why?"

"Well, you talk to him more than you talk to me," Hakyeon said wryly. Taekwoon rolled over onto his side to look at Hakyeon but Hakyeon was still staring up at the ceiling. "And sometimes it seems like. No, never mind."

Hakyeon's brows had creased for the slightest moment, the quick tightening of his cheek, and then it was gone and Taekwoon wondered if he hadn't imagined it.

"No," Taekwoon said again instead, and then: "we talk about musicals."

Hakyeon let out a small laugh and he too rolled onto his side to look at Taekwoon. For a brief, unconscious moment, Taekwoon found himself comparing Hakyeon with Jaehwan; opposites in so many ways, similar in so many others. Hakyeon's eyes sharper, skin darker; Jaehwan's nose larger, even through its constantly changing shape. Hakyeon the overprotective mother hen, occasionally stern, unafraid to take vocal pride in everything he did; Jaehwan the unruly child, an explosive temper, content and pleased with how far he'd improved, how good he'd grown at the things he did. But: their exuberance, their confidence, their bright smiles, their performances unafraid for the cameras. Their willingness to play along with the script or away from it, their love for pleasing the audience with everything they had.

Everything Taekwoon didn't have—opposites to Taekwoon in every way.

"Are you jealous?" Taekwoon couldn't help but ask and Hakyeon laughed again, sharper, harsher this time.

"No," Hakyeon said, an echo of Taekwoon. And then: "a little."

Taekwoon fell silent, stayed silent. Hakyeon was staring at him and it was Taekwoon who had to look away, uncomfortable. How things had changed when it had always been Taekwoon who could stare anyone down.

"Am I really?" Taekwoon asked. He'd never been uncomfortable with silence.

"Mmhmm," Hakyeon hummed. "Or that's what it feels like. I don't think it's a bad thing, not really. It was like, well, it's like watching a caterpillar slowly turn into a butterfly in the cocoon—ah, is that too cheesy for an example?"

"Yes," Taekwoon said flatly. Hakyeon laughed, his eyes crinkling a little.

"Or maybe you're the caterpillar," Hakyeon said. His tone was sly and Taekwoon reached behind him for the other pillow to throw at Hakyeon's face. It bounced harmlessly off the bed and landed on the floor.

"You're a caterpillar," Taekwoon said.

"Cute," Hakyeon cooed—the second pillow at least landed on the bed but still missed Hakyeon altogether. Hakyeon grabbed it and hugged it to his chest, resting it just under his chin. "You're so cute when you're angry."

"I hate you," Taekwoon said flatly. There was no heat in it and when he sighed, there truly was nothing but the empty words that were left behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

But Hakyeon's words had wormed under his skin, stayed— _you'll end up closer to Jaehwan than me_ —and they bothered him for reasons that Taekwoon couldn't quite gather, couldn't quite put a finger on.

Taekwoon watched as Jaehwan finally snapped, rounding on Hongbin and Wonsik who'd been tugging on his choker.

"Yah! Do you want to die?" Jaehwan lunged for them, Hongbin laughing as he scrambled out of the way, leaving Wonsik to be caught by Jaehwan's temper.

_Closer to Jaehwan_? Or _than me_?

Hakyeon was sitting quietly as well, long legs stretched out in front of him as he played with his phone. Taekwoon looked between Hakyeon and Jaehwan, eyes narrowing slightly as he took them both in. _Closer than?_

Jaehwan's temper faded as easily as it flared and he was smacking Wonsik good naturedly now—until Sanghyuk reminded them all that Jaehwan was Wonsik's slave and Jaehwan abruptly froze. Taekwoon laughed a little as he watched them play, his own phone in front of him as he listened to music through one ear, the Chinese lyrics washing over him in a soothing stream of soft sounds.

Taekwoon had always expected Japan but he hadn't expected China and certainly hadn't expected how difficult it would be to form the sounds of the language around his tongue. He truly envied Hakyeon and Jaehwan every time their pronunciation was praised, but he could also accept the amount of time they'd both poured into learning the languages, the amount of effort they'd dedicated. Taekwoon had never been good at studying—he'd been good at sports and had loved singing, and in many ways it seemed as if little had changed.

His eyes drifted back to Jaehwan as Jaehwan's eyes crinkled and curled as he smiled, and for a brief moment, Taekwoon wondered if Jaehwan was planning on bothering him again, would drop unannounced to sit next to Taekwoon when Taekwoon was least expecting it. Cinderella would be ending in a month; he'd like to see it again but there was no time, there was never enough time.

He sighed, running through the schedule for the next few days in his mind. They had the variety shows too—in Chinese. Taekwoon bit down on his lip as he wished, not for the first time, he had a better grasp of the language, would not be left so adrift. It was better—he was better, he had _done_ better but the thought of it still left tendrils of dread clutching at his heart. He had a song—he knew that Jaehwan had a slew of phrases and a vague sense of understanding. He should ask Jaehwan—

Taekwoon glanced at Hakyeon again and his brows creased. He caught his lip between his teeth—he could ask Hakyeon too. He should ask Hakyeon. Jaehwan was busy with Cinderella as well but Hakyeon was busy too, wasn't he?

They hadn't announced the casting for Mata Hari yet, not for Taekwoon. He was nervous, so nervous—this wasn't like Full House, this was _big_ , from the directors to the cast to everything about it and Taekwoon, Taekwoon was still too new, too inexperienced. But then it made sense, talking to Jaehwan, talking to Jaehwan _more_ so—

"Taekwoon, come here for a moment," Hakyeon said. Taekwoon shoved his phone into his pocket and went to join Hakyeon, missing the glance that Jaehwan had slipped his way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

It always felt good to come home.

Even the shuttering of cameras enveloping them like rain had become a welcome one, whether or not Taekwoon was hiding a less than presentable face behind a face mask. He'd never really minded being photographed but that sort of intense scrutiny had been harder to grow comfortable under.

Now, now it meant something different.

But even so, Taekwoon shied away from Jaehwan once they'd passed into view, shaking off the arm that Jaehwan had hooked about his. There was a soft sound of annoyance but nothing else as Taekwoon took two brisk steps forward, huddling into his jacket. Hakyeon was leading the way and Wonsik was just in front of Taekwoon, tall and reassuring. There was little chatter, not now, heavy clouds of exhaustion on them all. There wasn't one of them that wasn't looking forward to vacation.

Their ride was waiting for them in front and they climbed in, guided through the crowd of young women and girls by their tireless managers. Jaehwan got in after Taekwoon, taking the seat next to him as he always did. The younger three were taking the second van and for long moments, there was nothing but quiet.

It was a familiar montage: Hakyeon in the passenger seat, Taekwoon behind the driver's seat, Jaehwan beside him. Taekwoon leaned against Jaehwan, resting his head against his shoulder, eyes drifting shut again.

"Do you ever do anything but sleep," Jaehwan muttered; it was a moot question, but Hakyeon in the front laughed as well. Taekwoon cracked an eye open to glare at Hakyeon but Hakyeon hadn't turned back and Taekwoon had never managed a proper death stare when it came to the back of Hakyeon's head. Instead, Taekwoon wrapped an arm about Jaehwan's to keep him from moving.

Taekwoon half expected Jaehwan to jerk away or to make some strange noise or chatter up a storm of nonsense but the only sounds that lingered in the stopped car were things being loaded in and Hakyeon's soft humming as he listened to music. Jaehwan should sleep too, Taekwoon briefly thought of saying, but the words didn't seem to come out quite right so he let them sit unused on his tongue. They would be busy; they all had their own things and Jaehwan had Cinderella performances, and they had a fansign in two days as well. It was a blip in their schedule but it was still there, would still take time and coordination and was still a schedule.

The next time Taekwoon woke up, they had pulled up to their dorm and Jaehwan was gently dislodging him.

"My arm's all numb," Jaehwan complained as Taekwoon sat up blearily.

Taekwoon hummed a response, patting Jaehwan apologetically on the shoulder once before pushing him towards the car door. The other car had arrived first and Hakyeon was corralling the younger ones towards the elevator.

"It'll be good to move," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan turned to look at him, a small crease between his brows. "Huh? What're you talking about?"

"When we move," Taekwoon said. He gestured at the elevator. "We've been here a long time."

Jaehwan's frown deepened as they trudged towards the others with their luggage, glancing again towards Taekwoon. He shrugged. "So?"

Taekwoon glanced towards Jaehwan as well, his own frown light and unintentional. Jaehwan was in a mood—it was easy to tell, with Jaehwan. The corner of Taekwoon's lips twitched, a question forming on his tongue. But then they were folded into the group and the words never made it out.

It was a subdued group that made its way back to their apartment, the one they'd soon be moving from. But for now, it was still the same small space with four of them shoved into the same room. Shower orders were quickly called, food was sought out, clothes was unpacked and tossed into the laundry piles. It was the quiet lull of coming home, breathing life into a space that had stood empty and still for days.

Taekwoon watched as Jaehwan emptied his suitcase, flipped quickly through his things. He was definitely in a mood, his movements rough and jerky and uneven about the edges.

There was still time in the day; he could go to the company later, to his work room. He didn't know what the others were planning—Hongbin would be going over his script, it was what he did every time he had a free moment. Sometimes Hakyeon would read opposite of him, sometimes Sanghyuk. Hongbin never asked him but Taekwoon wouldn't have asked himself either. Or Wonsik. Wonsik couldn't act for shit.

But Jaehwan—Taekwoon had to smother a small smile as he watched the Jaehwan in front of him and remembered the Jaehwan on stage, a charming Prince through and through. There was none of that here and Taekwoon bathed in a moment for the thought that this was a Jaehwan others would never see. Well. That wasn't quite true. For all that Jaehwan liked to play the part of the sweet, soft, cute main vocal when he wasn't showing off how hot he was, there was too much of himself every moment he was on camera, filtered as it was. Too much of himself no matter where he was or what he did was closer to the truth—Jaehwan stomped past Taekwoon into the living room, arms full of clothes to dump into the laundry. Taekwoon's lips quirked in a smile again as he leaned back against the wall.

He wondered if he could video chat Minyul, if his noona was free. He'd like to do that. Or if one of his other friends were free. No, he'd rather stay home. Maybe read a book. Find Hongbin and watch Park Hyoshin performances together—but Hongbin was busy.

He was restless, Taekwoon realised abruptly. This empty moment, these few empty minutes as he waited for the shower to wash away airport and plane, a reset for home. The others always seemed to have something to do, even if that something was to fool around. Sanghyuk was in a video game phase again now that his filming was over. Hongbin had been too busy lately and Jaehwan played a lot too—Taekwoon would join them sometimes, against his better judgement. He always _thought_ he could win, it just...didn't always happen that way. Usually didn't happen that way.

Taekwoon sighed at the thought, folding himself in against the wall. Maybe he could find Jaehwan, ask him if he were free to play. Whatever it was that was bothering Jaehwan, it'd probably take his mind off of it. It always left Taekwoon feeling a little wrong-footed when Jaehwan was in a mood, more than when it was one of the others. A stray thought: except for Hakyeon, but that hadn't been the case lately.

Another stray thought: _closer to Jaehwan than to me_. He couldn't remember anymore why Hakyeon had brought it up, what they'd been talking about before it or after it. Couldn't remember if Hakyeon had sounded jealous or amused—could only remember the words because they kept prodding at him, unwilling to leave him alone. Or he was unwilling to leave them alone?

A loud crash from outside—the kitchen, Taekwoon guessed. Jahewan yelling at someone about eating his bread—Sanghyuk's voice cut in a few seconds later. Taekwoon tried to remember if it'd been him—he didn't think it had been, this time. Not that he always remembered.

With a sigh, Taekwoon got to his feet and went to get his jacket.

"Where are you going?" Hakyeon stopped him at the door, frowning.

Taekwoon shrugged. "To get Jaehwan bread," he said. Hakyeon's frown only deepened—it probably did sound strange. Taekwoon couldn't remember ever going to buy snacks for anyone who wasn't himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon collapsed next to Jaehwan, cheeks flushed and laughing as Wonsik managed to lose _again_.

"At least Wonsik is shittier at drinking games when he's drunk," Jaehwan commented. "You're just as shitty sober or drunk."

"Am not," Taekwoon whined. He lay down, using Jaehwan's leg as a pillow. Jaehwan jerked away but Taekwoon wrapped his arms around Jaehwan's waist and moved with him—Jaehwan sighed and stilled. Hongbin had kicked Taekwoon off earlier, complaining that Taekwoon's chin was too bony and kept jabbing against his shoulder, and Taekwoon felt weird about Hakyeon lately.

Hakyeon and Wonsik had traded out the soju shots for some horrifying concoction of whatever non-alcoholic drinks they'd had in the fridge, and Wonsik's face was contorted into a wonderful expression. Taekwoon had pleaded out ages ago, ignoring the kids' jabs at his age.

He really, _really_ wanted to see Hongbin and Jaehwan drunk one day, but they weren't even losing enough for it to happen.

"Noooooo, I don't want to," Wonsik whined. He was pleading at Hakyeon, turning on every bit of cute charm he had. Hakyeon's face was fully red and he only laughed at Wonsik.

"You can do it Wonsikkie," Sanghyuk said cheerily. Wonsik flopped pathetically at Sanghyuk, not even scolding him.

Taekwoon hadn't even noticed Hongbin leaving, but he did notice Hongbin returning with two bottles of wine. He sat up, squinting at them.

"It's more festive," Hongbin said.

Hakyeon squinted at Hongbin and the wine. "Where did you get that from," he asked flatly. Hongbin shrugged and walked off, this time returning from their room with a set of wine glasses.

"Where did you get _those_ from," Hakyeon said, and Taekwoon sighed because he could see Hakyeon's leader mode turning on.

"Let him be," Taekwoon said, and then he grinned in Hongbin's direction. "And I want to see if we can get Hongbinnie drunk."

"Yes!" Jaehwan clapped his hands together and cheered. "I do too."

"No, no, no—we have to film tomorrow! We're filming our Christmas special! VIXX TV!" Hakyeon reached for Hongbin, but Hongbin was perfectly steady and Hakyeon was not, and it was easy for Hongbin to scramble laughing to his feet.

"Ah, lighten up hyung," Jaehwan said, even as Taekwoon was reaching over Jaehwan towards Hongbin. Hakyeon sighed deeply, throwing himself backwards onto the floor with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Fine," Hakyeon huffed, and then he held out a hand towards Hongbin. "Me first."

Hongbin snorted, ignoring both Taekwoon and Hakyeon and pouring Sanghyuk the first glass instead. "Nope, first come first serve," he said.

"First come first serve," Jaehwan echoed cheerfully.

"He was not first," Hakyeon said, voice cross. He narrowed his eyes at them both while Sanghyuk laughed in his face.

"You didn't even want it," Sanghyuk said, and his eyes were a little too mischievous for Hakyeon's taste.

"Maknae's right," Wonsik said—Hongbin was going from youngest to oldest, ignoring the two eldest's pathetic looks.

"Say please," Hongbin said when he finally got to Hakyeon. Hakyeon glared at him.

"Lee Hongbin, just wait and see—"

"Ah seriously, I'm going to spill it!" Hongbin yelped as Hakyeon lunged for him with a neck chop. Jaehwan was laughing next to Taekwoon and Taekwoon was laughing as well. It was a near thing that Hongbin managed not to spill a drop even as Hakyeon caught him in a headlock, Hongbin complaining about Hakyeon all the while.

"But I love you," Hakyeon said, clutching at Hongbin tighter.

Hongbin's mouth tightened and his eyes widened as he took a deep breath.

"You," Hongbin muttered, "are already drunk."

"Both of these two are," Jaehwan said, gesturing at Taekwoon.

"I'm not drunk, I'm just having a good time," Hakyeon said sharply.

"As usual," Sanghyuk said, speaking over Hakyeon and ignoring him entirely, and where did _he_ get off on that, he was a baby who'd barely been legal to drink—not that it'd really mattered when it was just the six of them, tucked inside and hidden from view.

Taekwoon frowned. "Am not," he said. He felt a surge of affection when Wonsik jumped to their rescue, however reluctant it was—and even if it was because the look Hakyeon was directing his way could've curdled milk. Wonsik had always been a bit of a pushover.

"Jeez, are you guys done?" Sanghyuk asked. "I've been waiting forever."

"Serves you right," Hakyeon said, but he settled back. He raised his glass, all reservations about this additional, unsanctioned alcohol supply evidently gone. Taekwoon didn't know why he'd been against it at all in the first place. It wasn't like they didn't have more bottles of soju stashed away. Besides, it _was_ Christmas. If there was ever a time for them to drink, it was now.

"To VIXX!" Hakyeon said, raising his glass. This was echoed with various degrees of enthusiasm, the clinking of six glasses a counterpoint harmony to it all.

"To the elderly ones' health," Sanghyuk intoned—Taekwoon reached behind him and tossed an old stuffed Chopper they'd found at Sanghyuk. It didn't hit him.

"To our maknae to stop growing," Hakyeon shot back. "To Wonsik waking up!" "To leaving Jaehwan-hyung—ouch!" "To Taekwoonie talking—eep!"

"Everyone!" Hakyeon flicked ineffectually at his glass with his finger—he traded it for one of the shot glasses, banging them together hard enough that Taekwoon wondered that they hadn't broken. There was a pause as the kids must've been wondering the same thing, because they all turned to Hakyeon and it wasn't because they wanted to listen to him. Hakyeon still smiled, pleased at having their attention.

"I have something very important to say," Hakyeon said. Taekwoon saw Hongbin's mouth twitching already. "When we were in Jeju last year, you all got to talk about your feelings and more importantly, told me how you feel about me—"

"If you want us to do that again, you can leave the room and leave a picture behind," Hongbin cut in. He held up his hands defensively, laughing as Hakyeon glared at him. The wine in his glass sloshed dangerously.

"Ah, if hyung's gonna talk, we should drink first," Jaehwan said, as if he read Taekwoon's mind.

"Yeah, we'll need it," Hongbin muttered not very quietly.

"Right, then, cheers!" Sanghyuk said. Minus Hakyeon, they all raised their glasses and downed the wine. Hakyeon, sighing heavily, sipped at his a moment later, leaving enough so that it didn't look utterly stupid, holding up an empty glass as he gave his speech.

" _I_ was going to tell you my feelings, but now my feelings are how I want to dump all of you into the river," Hakyeon said. His face was completely red now. Taekwoon laughed a little, putting his empty glass down and draping himself on Jaehwan beside him, tucking his chin over Jaehwan's shoulder.

"No one's stopping you from telling us that," Hongbin said, and oh Taekwoon was looking forward to Hongbin getting his ass kicked soon but everyone was in too good of a mood to stop him.

"Did I say you could talk?" Hakyeon glared at Hongbin, and he'd pulled out his Yeon-DJ voice. Hongbin laughed but shut up, pretending to hide behind Wonsik. "But since I'm a kind leader—who does not hit people or yell at them I'm looking at you Jung Taekwoon—I'm still going to tell you my actual feelings."

Taekwoon huffed a laugh even as the kids worked up another storm of retorts. Jaehwan's shoulders shifted under Taekwoon, a half hearted attempt to dislodge him. Taekwoon sat up but kept his arms where they were. He leaned down, teeth closing about Jaehwan's shoulder. He swallowed a laugh when Jaehwan jerked away, giving Taekwoon a Look, but Taekwoon just smiled at him and opened his mouth to bite him again. Jaehwan sighed deeply and Taekwoon didn't, just leaned against Jaehwan again for a moment.

He rolled off Jaehwan, leaning to grab one of the soju bottles to pour himself another shot. Someone—Jaehwan—made a disapproving sound with his tongue but Taekwoon ignored it, downing the shot and then lying down, pleased.

Hakyeon had launched into his spiel now and despite everything, the kids had quieted down. Taekwoon listened half attentively, his head resting on Jaehwan's thighs. It was comfortable, and he nodded in agreement as Hakyeon talked about how far they'd come, about how proud he was of them, of all his hopes for them as VIXX, as people. How confident he was in them, and: "like Taekwoon said, enjoying this moment and working hard can be more important than just checking goals off a list". A slight flush crept up Taekwoon's neck and he curled onto his side in embarrassment. Jaehwan sighed and prodded at Taekwoon's shoulder until Taekwoon was on his back again and his face was no longer pressed against Jaehwan's stomach.

He listened in half a daze as Hakyeon moved onto Sanghyuk, and Taekwoon could tell without looking that Hakyeon's eyes must've been damp. His smile at the thought was interrupted by a yawn. Jaehwan echoed him, and Taekwoon's lips quirked as he looked up at him.

_You're pretty_ , he very nearly said, but that would have been a strange thing to say, and Jaehwan was as vain and confident as Hakyeon was about his looks already. But Jaehwan _was_ attractive and it wasn't just the weight he'd lost over the years or the things he'd done to his nose. It wasn't so long ago that Jaehwan, for all his easy confidence in front of a video camera, was a stiff, stumbling, cringeworthy odd-smiling mess in front of anything meant to capture him still, silent. Taekwoon had flushed with a mix of pride and embarrassment when Jaehwan had brought up the times Taekwoon had sat off to the side while Jaehwan did his shoots. Taekwoon hadn't done much—hadn't been coaching him or teaching or anything—just nodded when Jaehwan was doing well and shook his head when it looked strange, a few suggestions here and there. That was all Jaehwan had ever needed. A small push of acknowledgement to pave the way for his own confidence, and that was when Jaehwan truly bloomed.

Taekwoon wasn't sure if Hakyeon was telling Hongbin a love confession, a life story, or a normal Christmas message, but Hongbin's eyes were a little red and he nodded and Taekwoon caught him swallowing, once. That was rude of Taekwoon—he knew what Hakyeon was telling Hongbin. Him and Hakyeon might have been life long friends, but Hongbin had known Hakyeon the longest—neither a life story nor a love confession would've been out of place in a message from Hakyeon to Hongbin.

Jaehwan was watching the others too, and how strange it was that it really was only Hakyeon talking now. There was the odd interjection, barks of laughter, whined protests, but then again, Hakyeon was still their eldest hyung—was still their leader. Was still his leader.

What had Jaehwan said to Hakyeon that time—a year was a long time ago. It didn't seem so long, it seemed like they'd just finished Error, they'd just come back from Jeju but a year was a long time. It'd been over two years since they'd had their first win with Voodoo Doll. If a year was a long time, two years was an eternity. An Eternity. Taekwoon hummed a bar softly under his breath, and met Jaehwan's eyes when Jaehwan glanced down at him. " _I wanna go to you, I wanna fall asleep_ ," Taekwoon sang.

A strange look passed over Jaehwan's face that Taekwoon missed—or that Taekwoon saw, but didn't note as strange.

"Yeah well you're already here and you're about to fall asleep," Jaehwan said. He flicked Taekwoon on the forehead and Taekwoon whined.

"Excuse me, I'm speaking over here!" Hakyeon suddenly cut himself off and glared at Taekwoon. Taekwoon rolled his eyes and gestured dismissively at Hakyeon. "As I was _saying_ —"

Taekwoon easily tuned out Hakyeon's pseudo-lecture for Wonsik, opting instead to blink up at Jaehwan.

"Oh," Taekwoon breathed softly. Realisation hit him like Hakyeon's words had—it wasn't that Taekwoon was going to get closer to Jaehwan than he was to Hakyeon. He _wanted_ to get closer to Jaehwan. Closer than? No, it wasn't a comparison, it was...

"Jaehwan-ah. I wanna get closer to Jaehwan-ah," Taekwoon said. The words were quiet, quiet enough that they were near invisible beneath Hakyeon's words. He didn't know if Jaehwan had heard, but then again, he didn't know if he wanted Jaehwan to hear. Jaehwan did look at him, did look down to see the small smile on Taekwoon's lips, the small smile in Taekwoon's eyes.

"You drank too much," Jaehwan said softly, hiding from Hakyeon's ire. He patted Taekwoon indulgently on the arm. That wasn't fair—he'd only had that one bottle of soju. A little more than one bottle. It wasn't that much. "Hyung, you can't even finish one," Jaehwan said. He squinted down at Taekwoon and shook his head. "You're gonna regret this so much tomorrow."

Taekwoon shook his head, and then he shook it again, and then he shook it again to answer Jaehwan all three times. Hakyeon was calling for Jaehwan again and Taekwoon sighed silently, let his eyes fall shut.

"Yes hyung," Jaehwan said, like he was reporting in for duty. Taekwoon laughed at that, fiddled with the hem of Jaehwan's sweater.

No, that wasn't quite right either—a stray thought carried with the stream of Hakyeon's words, slipping away before it reached Jaehwan, landing on Taekwoon instead. Not closer. Closest. He wanted to be closest to Jaehwan, didn't want Hakyeon to be closer to Jaehwan than Taekwoon was closer to Jaehwan. Closest.

Taekwoon yawned again, his eyes still shut.

He wasn't listening to Hakyeon anymore, not really. Maybe Jaehwan was right. Maybe he had drank too much. He didn't usually drink this much.

"Is he asleep—did Taekwoon fall asleep?"

Taekwoon heard Hakyeon's indignant words, but he didn't move and didn't open his eyes.

"I can wa—"

"Don't bother," Hakyeon said, quickly cutting Jaehwan off. Hakyeon sighed deeply, looking over his motley crew of kids who'd all grown up. Looked at Taekwoon, asleep on Jaehwan, his cheeks still flushed red from alcohol.

Hakyeon humphed. "It's fine. Everything I said to the kids, I wanted to say to you too," Hakyeon said, and there was a mix of sharpness, of fondness, of disappointment in there with varying amounts. He stared at Taekwoon a moment longer but Taekwoon truly was asleep it seemed, because there was no reaction. He turned back to the others, raising his mostly empty glass and finally draining it to cheers and applause.

A corner of Taekwoon's lips twitched. Everything had already been said.

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

In the end, Taekwoon had drunk too much. He also regretted it. He regretted it all, from only being woken up by Wonsik calling out 'Taekwoon-ah' too many times, to the sheer fact that they were dancing Chained Up in reindeer costumes when he was that hungover, and he most definitely regretted being too damn hungover to care about putting on clothes underneath the reindeer costume, because that thing was itchy as hell.

A year ago, he would've regretted a certain part of the reindeer costume itself, but now he was just happy that Jaehwan's fingers were much more coordinated than his were, buckling that stupid collar around his neck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winter was cold, but winter was always cold.

Taekwoon lay himself gently face down on the floor of the living room, wishing someone would turn the heat up. The others were gone, vacation, filming, but Taekwoon had just gotten back from the company, practicing with Wonsik for their upcoming Japan showcases. It was late, night, dark and cold and Taekwoon really wished someone would turn the heat up, but for once, he was alone in the dorm.

There was the click of the lock and Taekwoon rolled over onto his back, blinking up at the ceiling. He blinked harder when the light turned on and his vision went white and black.

"Shit—hyung!?" Jaehwan's voice poked through to Taekwoon before the rest of him did. Taekwoon rubbed his eyes, blinked, nodded.

"What're you doing there, why are you on the floor?" Jaehwan tugged off his shoes and his coat, dropping them on the floor as he came to loom over Taekwoon. Taekwoon blinked up at him. It seemed hard to keep his eyes open.

Taekwoon made a small noise and then shrugged and then shook his head, and then raised his arm. Jaehwan took his hand, made to pull him up, but Taekwoon tugged him down to the floor instead. Jaehwan dropped with a yelp. He hadn't expected Taekwoon to pull him with such force, and it was with more of a crash than anything else that he fell.

"Hello," Taekwoon said.

"The hell?" Jaehwan swore, yanking his hand out of Taekwoon's grip. Taekwoon just looked at him, corner of his mouth curling up in a smile.

"You've worked hard," Taekwoon said. He couldn't help the small yawn; Jaehwan yawned as well, and his eyes only held more murder.

"Go to bed," Jaehwan muttered.

"It's not late," Taekwoon said. "Not that late."

"Yeah, but you were up early," Jaehwan said. He was frowning down at Taekwoon and Taekwoon felt a little odd—Jaehwan's concern?

Taekwoon shrugged, still feeling cold. He didn't like winter, not really.

"You've worked hard," Taekwoon said again.

Jaehwan snorted softly. "Yeah, you said that," he said. His eyes narrowed a little, his brows creased a little, his lips pursed a little.

"Hyung," Jaehwan said slowly. He briefly caught his lip between his teeth. Taekwoon looked up at him, tilted his head. Jaehwan was thinking hard, Taekwoon knew that look. He was a little worried too and Taekwoon didn't know about what. Taekwoon and Wonsik would be going to Japan soon, and Jaehwan was almost done with Cinderella. It truly felt like 2015 was ending. The rest of VIXX would be joining them in Japan after. It was cold.

Jaehwan was still frowning down at him and Taekwoon thought of prodding at him, to get him to say what he was going to say, but if Jaehwan, the ever talkative one, was quiet, he likely had a reason and Taekwoon didn't want to push. If he wanted to say something he'd say it. If he didn't, Taekwoon could wait.

With a sigh, Jaehwan lay down next to Taekwoon, rolled onto his back as well. Taekwoon turned his head to look at him, taking in his profile. It felt like he hadn't been alone with Jaehwan in forever. Jaehwan was always quieter when it was just the two of them. His nose had always been the most noticeable thing about Jaehwan but in profile, when it should have been the sharpest, Taekwoon found his eyes drawn to everything else. The line of his jaw was strong and Jaehwan's mouth had always been another one of his draws. He'd turned handsome. From awkward to handsome. He used to be such an awkward kid, especially during photoshoots. He had such a bright smile but he hadn't seemed to known how to use it; he'd always had a striking profile but he'd never seemed to know just how much. It was all different now. So confident. Jaehwan had become so confident.

The line of thought trailed precariously through Taekwoon's consciousness, tugging things loose in its wake, its winding path oddly familiar. Blinking up at Jaehwan's face, oddly disapproving; his head resting in Jaehwan's lap; the warm flush of alcohol in his system, against his skin.

Taekwoon, again, blinked. He'd said something. He'd said something to Jaehwan and it'd been important.

Jaehwan sighed, sat up. Looked down at Taekwoon and it was familiar, but this time, Jaehwan's face was not oddly disapproving, was only oddly...odd.

Ah—he remembered now.

"You're gonna get sick if you sleep like that," Jaehwan said.

Taekwoon shook his head. He'd slept like this before. Jaehwan's eyes narrowed.

"Unless you're already sick."

Taekwoon shook his head again.

"Alright, c'mon hyung, bed."

Taekwoon went easily this time when Jaehwan tugged him upright and to the bedroom. He wrapped his arms about Jaehwan's waist, settled his chin about Jaehwan's shoulder.

I want to be closer to you—this time, Taekwoon kept the thought to himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Where's Wonsik?"

Taekwoon glanced up from his phone as Jaehwan slid into the seat next to him. He was wearing a soft looking tan sweater, a little too big for him as half his clothes was. It always made Jaehwan look smaller than he already was—although small was a relative term in this case.

Taekwoon offered Jaehwan a slight smile.

"You didn't say hi," he said.

"Hi hyung," Jaehwan said off-hand, following it with a cheeky grin. "Where's Wonsik?"

"Bathroom?" Taekwoon said. He blinked. It'd been a long time for the bathroom. Taekwoon shrugged. "He's been gone for a while."

"Gone for a while in the bathroom huh?" Jaehwan said, wiggling his brows. Taekwoon snorted and pinched Jaehwan's thigh.

"He's probably not in the bathroom," Taekwoon said flatly. And then: "you've done well. I wish I could have seen your last stage."

Jaehwan laughed—almost a cackle—and Taekwoon looked at him in faint alarm.

"It's alright," Jaehwan said. He shrugged, leaned back a little—Taekwoon put his hand at the back of Jaehwan's waist.

"Don't fall," Taekwoon said when Jaehwan shot him a sharp look, his mouth tightening.

"I'm not gonna," he said, his tone a little snappish.

Taekwoon made a small motion, a sort of one shouldered shrug.

It was true that they were gathering to eat meat but they were also gathering to shoot the first VIXX TV of the year, just like they'd done last year. Three of them were—three of them weren't. It'd really just been him and Wonsik but then Jaehwan had offered himself—"you're just gonna eat and Wonsik's gonna suffer," Jaehwan had said. Taekwoon had pat Jaehwan on the head because Jaehwan had dropped down next to Taekwoon as he'd declared he'd be coming.

It was good. Taekwoon liked that Jaehwan was here. It was true—Taekwoon could eat and Jaehwan could talk. Taekwoon could cook and the others could play with the camera. Some things never changed.

"Hyung," Jaehwan said and then he stopped, like he'd been doing so much lately. There was that strange look on his face that Taekwoon could never decipher—he doubted that Jaehwan would've been able to decipher it either.

Jaehwan wasn't looking at him when Taekwoon glanced at him, and Taekwoon briefly caught his lip between his teeth.

"What is it?" Taekwoon asked. This earned him a sharp look—Taekwoon held Jaehwan's eyes in a steady gaze that Jaehwan quickly broke. Taekwoon did not often ask. Taekwoon simply waited.

Jaehwan shrugged, a quick motion. "Nothing," he said, like he expected Taekwoon to leave it at that. The thing was, Taekwoon was going to leave it at that.

There were cameras and Taekwoon wondered when it was that he'd started paying them so little mind, that he could have a conversation like this, easy and unguarded, in their presence. It was true that they weren't yet filming—wouldn't until Wonsik came, until the food came, until they were set up and ready—but there would've been a time that Taekwoon would have drawn entirely into himself just because they were there. That had been a long time ago.

"Enjoy your break," Taekwoon said instead. "You deserve it."

Jaehwan's brows creased sharply downwards and Taekwoon wondered what he'd said wrong because Jaehwan looked upset. But then Jaehwan's frown turned into something more quizzical, more perplexed, and Taekwoon wondered what he'd said that was strange.

Taekwoon thought of patting Jaehwan on the shoulder but he instead shuffled a little over until he could wrap his arms about Jaehwan, leaning against him. Jaehwan made a small huff but didn't move.

"What about you?" Jaehwan asked. He pulled free one of his arms and Taekwoon loosened his hold to let him.

"Mm?"

"I mean, you seem tired," Jaehwan said. Taekwoon's cheek twitched as Jaehwan's shoulders lifted in a slight shrug.

"It's okay," Taekwoon said. He let his eyes flutter shut. "It's good to be busy."

Jaehwan clicked his tongue, sighed, a sound of something between annoyance and something Taekwoon couldn't identify. He liked that Jaehwan was here, Taekwoon thought to himself again. If it was going to be anyone, he was glad that it was Jaehwan. There was a niggling sense of guilt that Taekwoon knew he was playing favourites, that he ought to have been happy if anyone could have joined them—but it was good like this, if it was just Jaehwan. Jaehwan was quiet for long moments, still, and Taekwoon liked that Jaehwan hadn't moved, liked that Jaehwan hadn't pushed him away. Jaehwan's shoulder was bony but his sweater was soft, and Jaehwan himself was warm and soft.

"You're gonna get back from Japan, have rehearsals, then we're going to Japan again but you're still gonna have rehearsals—"

"So?" Taekwoon opened his eyes again, glanced at Jaehwan. "It's always like that."

"I just mean you're gonna get sick or something," Jaehwan muttered. "Without a break."

Taekwoon shrugged, a small awkward motion with his cheek resting against Jaehwan's shoulder. He took vague note of the phone camera pointed in their direction, something for the ROVIXX twitter.

"It'll be good," Taekwoon said. "It'll...I like it."

Jaehwan sighed heavily, finally dislodging Taekwoon who sat up with reluctance. When he glanced at Jaehwan, wondering if Jaehwan would push him away again if Taekwoon leant against him, Jaehwan's mouth tightened briefly. Taekwoon took that as a yes.

"You're still getting over a cold," Jaehwan said. "Nevermind, this is stupid—where's Wonsik? I'm hungry!"

The last was pitched louder and Taekwoon's brows drew a little downwards. He couldn't help but feel like some conversation was now over, declared over by Jaehwan—but he didn't know which one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sapporo was cold and snowy and Taekwoon didn't mind nearly as much as he thought. He walked along the empty street, dark and wide and half cleared of snow that still crunched under his boots. They ought to be asleep but it was in these moments—when the world was sleeping—that Taekwoon always felt the most free. He could hear Jaehwan behind him, singing softly under his breath. Taekwoon paused and turned; Jaehwan was kicking at a small chunk of ice-snow as he walked, his hands tucked into his pockets. He broke into a bright grin when he saw Taekwoon looking at him.

"Left pass!" Jaehwan yelled, giving the chunk of ice a good kick. Taekwoon watched, amused, as it flew wide and broke into small pieces, instead of coming anywhere near him.

Taekwoon jogged to the side of the road where the cleared chunks of snow were—"Jaehwan-ah!"

Jaehwan barely had time to react before the chunk of ice came flying his way. Taekwoon laughed as Jaehwan stumbled backwards, trying to catch it. Even in the dim lighting, he could see Jaehwan's exaggerated pout.

"No fair," Jaehwan complained, even as he began to fake-dribble the ice-ball.

"Pass it," Taekwoon said. He waved Jaehwan over. This time, when Jaehwan's pass went way wide, Taekwoon was ready and ran to intercept it, passing it neatly back to Jaehwan.

"Show off," Jaehwan grumbled. He booted it far, just to be a brat Taekwoon was sure. Taekwoon laughed as he chased it, slipping and barely catching himself upright as he pivoted and passed it back to Jaehwan. Jaehwan fell face first as he ran for it—Taekwoon doubled over in laughter.

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. strong left leg like Beckham," Jaehwan said as he got to his feet, wiping the snow from his face.

"Right," Taekwoon said with a straight face. "But my left leg is good too."

Taekwoon waited as Jaehwan jogged to catch up and they fell back into step. They'd come out to build a snowman, but the quiet night had drawn them into a walk instead.

"We still haven't made a snowman," Taekwoon commented.

" _I_ made one," Jaehwan said, puffing out his chest. "With Hakyeon-hyung."

"I want to make one too," Taekwoon whined. The snow was hard and icy now, and it was harder to get it to stick. Nonetheless, he veered off the road, dragging Jaehwan with him. Jaehwan made a small sound of surprise but followed, their boots instantly sinking into the thicker snow.

"Aish, my feet are gonna get wet," Jaehwan complained. Taekwoon huffed, ignoring Jaehwan and crouching down. He formed a small ball in his bare hands, wincing at the cold. Jaehwan was staring down at him, a slightly judging expression on his face. Taekwoon laughed softly—he sent a handful of snow flying up at Jaehwan's face.

"Pffthte _hell!?_ " Jaehwan swore, entire face scrunching up. Taekwoon had to scramble quickly out of the way as Jaehwan bent down to scoop a huge chunk of snow up in his arms, throwing it uselessly in Taekwoon's direction because Taekwoon had gotten far further than the snow would go.

"Missed me," Taekwoon said, grinning. For good measure, he grabbed another handful of snow, lobbing it in Jaehwan's direction. This one landed on his shoulder and Jaehwan growled. This time, he simply threw himself at Taekwoon, knocking him down into the snow. Taekwoon laughed as he hit the ground, sinking into the snow. Jaehwan's disgruntled face was above him—Taekwoon allowed him a moment of satisfaction before he flipped them over and pinned Jaehwan down. But Jaehwan was far from weak and Taekwoon's moment of glory didn't last either and soon they were both warm and breathless and covered in snow. Taekwoon laughed softly as he lay there for several moments before he got up and brushed the snow off of himself.

Jaehwan was still lying down on his back, arms and legs spread like some sort of snow angel. It was dark, but Taekwoon could still see what seemed to be a faint flush on Jaehwan's cheeks, a soft content smile on his face. He was pretty like this—not cute, not hot, not the things Jaehwan always tried so hard to be. Taekwoon stared down at him like that for several long moments before he offered up a hand.

"We should go back," Taekwoon said. It was reluctant but also true, well past midnight as it was. Jaehwan sighed and took his hand. His hand was cold and wet, even in Taekwoon's cold and wet hand, and Taekwoon gripped at it a moment longer than necessary, even if it wouldn't make Jaehwan's hand warmer in such a short time. Jaehwan tugged his hand away anyway, stuffing it into his pocket instead.

Taekwoon half expected Jaehwan to make some quip, but instead, he just started walking back towards the hotel. Taekwoon joined him, hands stuffed into his own pockets, tucking his face into his jacket. Every now and then he would glance at Jaehwan, unknowingly smiling as he caught sight of the snow still caught in his hair. Taekwoon reached over, brushed it away. Jaehwan jerked away.

"You had snow in your hair," Taekwoon said softly.

"Yeah, so?"

Taekwoon stepped back, frowning, tucking his hands back into his pockets. His lip caught between his teeth but Jaehwan said no more and Taekwoon didn't press. The rest of the way back to their hotel was made in silence, except for the sleepy sounds of an already quiet city and the muffled crackle of the snow beneath their feet. Taekwoon's hair felt damp by the time Jaehwan keyed them into their hotel room, a drop of water tracing down the side of his face.

"Go shower," Taekwoon told Jaehwan.

Jaehwan nodded, obediently heading to the washroom once he'd stripped off his jacket and his boots. Taekwoon did the same, trading boots for slippers once he'd peeled off his damp socks. The warmth of the hotel room cocooned him as he traded his jeans for sweats, waiting for Jaehwan to be done so he could shower. Taekwoon threw himself onto his bed, glancing over at Jaehwan's empty one. Unthinkingly, his brows formed a light crease.

Taekwoon pulled his phone out of his jeans, fiddling on it as he waited. He tapped open instagram, amused as he went through the instagrams of the other members, clicking through the comments, before going back to his own. It'd be good to post something—Taekwoon opened up his camera roll to skim through the pictures. Sapporo during the day with the sun against the snow, the setting sun behind a tree shining through the drops of ice, a picture he'd gotten Jaehwan to take for him right after the concert, a picture of Jaehwan doing aegyo at the camera—he was flipping through the ones they'd just taken that night when Jaehwan came out of the bathroom, towelling his hair dry.

"You can use it," Jaehwan said. His tone was sharp, short, and Taekwoon frowned.

He watched as Jaehwan went to his suitcase to grab clothes and then back into the bathroom to change into a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt, and then to sit heavily onto his bed, all without looking at Taekwoon even once.

"Jaehwan-ah."

"What?"

Taekwoon's tongue flickered out over his lips as he regarded Jaehwan. It was difficult not to still think of him as a boy sometimes, even if Jaehwan wasn't so much younger than himself. He was frowning now, staring at his phone, still not looking up at Taekwoon. His hair was still damp and Taekwoon thought of telling him to dry it properly before he slept or else he'd catch cold or go bald.

Instead, what he said was: "you've been acting strange lately. Is something wrong?"

A sharp jerk of Jaehwan's head and then his eyes were blazing and piercing as he stared at Taekwoon.

"Strange? _I've_ been acting strange?" Jaehwan's voice rose and Taekwoon would've near stepped back from the force of it had he been standing. As it was, he held still, his brows creasing only slightly. His tongue flickered out over his lips but before he had a chance to answer Jaehwan's question—if it were even a question—Jaehwan had gotten to his feet again.

"You're the one who's been acting strange, hyung," Jaehwan snapped.

"Jaehwan—"

"Don't give me that, you've just been— _you're_ strange." Jaehwan growled low in frustration, running a hand through his hair. "You've been acting strange, you don't think so? What're you—"

"Jaehwan!" Taekwoon cut him off sharply. He was standing, hadn't even realised he'd gotten to his feet. He reached for Jaehwan, place a hand on his shoulder, his arm, but Jaehwan flung him off. "What is it?"

Jaehwan's mouth tightened. "Stop messing with me," he said.

Taekwoon watched in silent bewilderment as Jaehwan suddenly turned towards the door, grabbing the keycard from the dresser but not bothering to change into his shoes, the door swinging slowly, quietly shut behind him. Taekwoon waited for long seconds but Jaehwan did not return, not that Taekwoon would've expected him to.

A shiver ran across his skin and Taekwoon was reminded that he'd yet to shower. He did that, mind somewhat blank as he ran through the past few minutes in his head. The hotel room door opened and closed just as he was done, and Taekwoon hesitated for several moments before he turned off the water and towelled himself dry. Taekwoon wrapped himself in the bathrobe, opening the bathroom door slowly.

"Jaehwan-ah?" Taekwoon called out as he walked back into the room, but it was not Jaehwan who was standing there. "Hongbin?"

Hongbin shrugged, already under the blankets of Jaehwan's bed. "Jaehwan-hyung barged in and told me to trade with him," Hongbin said. His mouth twisted wryly.

"You're rooming with Hakyeon," Taekwoon said.

Hongbin let out a bark of laughter. "Exactly," he said. "I thought Hakyeon-hyung was going to blow a fuse so I just told him sure and came here. You're quieter than Hakyeon-hyung anyway and I'm just gonna sleep."

"Jaehwan...switched rooms with you to sleep with Hakyeon?" Taekwoon frowned, rubbing at his arm. He shook his head—to himself or at himself—as he changed back into his sweats and climbed back into bed. After a moment, he climbed back out to hang the bathrobe up properly, and to turn off all the lights except for the ones by the bed.

"I thought you'd know what happened," Hongbin said. He gave Taekwoon a hard look out of the corner of his eye. "Considering it's your room he came barging out of."

Taekwoon shook his head, this time in answer to Hongbin's question. "I don't know," he said, and it was true. He thought of telling Hongbin what Jaehwan had said right before he'd left, thought of asking Hongbin what he thought Jaehwan had meant, but the thought was odd and strange and Taekwoon left it buried where it was. So he just shrugged. "Maybe he just wanted to room with Hakyeon."

Hongbin snorted. "Sure," he said, "instead of the main vocal line on good terms."

"Stop that," Taekwoon said, unsure himself of what he meant. His lips pulled outwards for a brief moment. "It's not because we're the vocal line."

"Isn't it?" Hongbin said slowly, and then he shook his head. "Hakyeon's going to have both your heads for this in the morning, and you know it."

"Good night," Taekwoon said. He turned off the light and lay down, back towards Hongbin. His phone was still on and he went back to scrolling through his pictures in the semi dark, until Hongbin turned off his side of the light and the room was dark.

"Night," Hongbin said quietly.

In the end, Taekwoon thought of their Starlights and chose the one that Jaehwan had taken of him sprawled out on the road, a splotch of black against the white, white road. His fingers hovered over the keys as he tried to think of something to write.

_Aren't you jealous?_ he finally captioned—he hit post.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jaehwan-ah?"

Taekwoon poked his head into the practice room which was oddly silent, even though he could see Jaehwan inside. He ought to have knocked, and might've been why Jaehwan looked at him sharply.

"What is it?" Jaehwan asked.

"Did you want to practice?" Taekwoon asked. "For the duet, one last time."

"Sure," Jaehwan said. He shrugged, getting to his feet and beckoning Taekwoon in. Taekwoon shut the door quietly behind him. He glanced at Jaehwan out of the side of his eye as Jaehwan fiddled with his phone to pull up the instrumental.

"How was your rehearsal?" Jaehwan asked.

Taekwoon blinked. "It was good," he said. He smiled softly to himself—it'd only been a few times, but already he liked everyone. The American writers, the rest of the cast—he especially liked Songruk-hyung who had immediately put Taekwoon at ease, even surrounded by unfamiliar and new people as he'd been.

"Nervous?" Jaehwan had propped his phone up on the table now, finger over the play button.

Taekwoon shook his head—he had been going in, but once the rehearsal had properly started, all of that had disappeared.

"Let's start," Taekwoon said. He pointed towards Jaehwan's phone. Jaehwan's cheek briefly twitched but he nodded, starting the music. Sung Shikyung's Every Moment of You filled the practice room through the sound of the phone speakers, and Taekwoon found his breath catching in the seconds before Jaehwan's powerful voice would open the song. He glanced at Jaehwan but Jaehwan was staring at the wall and his face was in profile, his hands by his side. There was that moment—there was always that moment—when Jaehwan drew a soft breath, when he eased into the first note, the first word and Taekwoon's heart would catch. Jaehwan's fingers curled around an invisible microphone, his handsome face sharp, expressive even in practice. So caught up was Taekwoon in watching Jaehwan sing that it was only from practice that he didn't miss his own line.

" _When I'm looking at you, you seem far away like a dream_ ," Taekwoon sang, still turned half towards Jaehwan. Jaehwan seemed to glance at him for a moment, might've caught his eye.

It was easy, the way their voices faded in and out to leave space for the other; Taekwoon's high and clear, Jaehwan's round and rich. It was odd, Taekwoon thought, how little Jaehwan had asked to practice with him for this duet—it seemed so recent that Jaehwan had been bothering him every other day for another duet. It seemed so odd that such a small thing had changed.

" _Because you stayed there, because it's you_." Jaehwan's voice rose powerfully, tapered off gently, these lyrics they'd changed for their Starlights. He'd grown so much, had matured so much—but Jaehwan's love for their Starlights had always been so great and in his music, in this moment, in this practice room with just the two of them, it showed.

Taekwoon knew the lyrics to this song, knew all of them—how could he not when he'd listened to it so many times, when he'd heard Jaehwan sing it so many times. When he'd slip out of his own room and pause by Jaehwan's, when Jaehwan sang quietly to himself in the van, while they were waiting for ISAC. When Jaehwan would practice by himself and Taekwoon knew better than to interrupt him, even as he wondered why Jaehwan hadn't come to find him to sing together.

" _Because you sometimes quietly lean on my shoulder_ ," Taekwoon heard in his heart, in time to Jaehwan's voice, and Taekwoon's chest twinged with something he couldn't quite identify.

He took a breath, slight and quiet and deep, hidden beneath Jaehwan's voice—and in that moment, Taekwoon was hit by a truth, the inkling of a truth, the first unfurling of pale green leaves after eons of being folded in on themselves, tight and guarded. A second, a moment, half a second, half a breath—" _because for me, looking at you is love_ "—and the words seemed to catch on his tongue because they had never felt so true.

A moment, half a moment, and then it was gone and over—a moment where Taekwoon felt like looking at Jaehwan was looking at a far away dream, where Taekwoon wondered when everything had changed, where Taekwoon heard Jaehwan's voice singing the first lines of the song— _my world's become one that's split into before and after knowing you_.

Later, much later, with the light blinding in their eyes and their Starlights in front of them, Taekwoon found himself unable to face Jaehwan as he sang, and it was with a twinge of guilt that he knew he was singing not only for their Starlights, but for someone else as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Had one asked a younger Taekwoon about the future, he would never have imagined it to hold so many hotel rooms.

In hindsight he ought to have expected to have to room with Hakyeon at some point—it'd been a while. He also ought to have expected Hakyeon to round on him, cornering him and bolting the door behind him even though they were both inside and Taekwoon could've easily unlocked it and left. But Taekwoon supposed it may have been more for effect than for anything else because he couldn't deny that he jumped a little when he heard the click of the lock.

"So."

Taekwoon looked up from his phone to see Hakyeon looming over him. He sighed, putting his phone down onto the table as he leaned back in the oversized hotel armchair. "What?"

"You and Jaehwan," Hakyeon said flatly. His arms were crossed over his chest and his mouth was pulled tight.

"What about me and Jaehwan?" Taekwoon asked. He felt a flicker of expression flash across his face before he could stop it, but couldn't quite tell what or how it might've looked like. Nor could he quite tell what the small twitch in his chest was.

Hakyeon waved his hand, frustration, irritation, something that said Taekwoon ought to have known what he was talking about.

"Sapporo," Hakyeon said.

"I don't know," Taekwoon said truthfully.

"You don't know?" Hakyeon's expression pitched into one of surprise and disbelief, and Taekwoon wished that he would sit down.

"I don't know," Taekwoon repeated. A frown flitted across his own face that he wasn't quite aware of as he thought back to Sapporo, well over a week ago. To a winter night, to snow, to Jaehwan storming out and the reluctantly slow close of a hotel door.

"Great," Hakyeon bit out. "I guess our main vocal line aren't on good terms anymore."

"That's not true," Taekwoon said quickly. He blinked, frowned again, one that he did know of. "That was a week ago."

"You know he specifically asked me not to room with you this entire trip, right?" Hakyeon said. No, Taekwoon did not know that and Hakyeon knew it and Taekwoon knew that the surprise would've been clear on his face. Taekwoon swallowed, thought through the past few days.

Thought about how he liked Jaehwan.

"Are you going to let him?" Taekwoon asked softly.

"No," Hakyeon said—and then he sighed, pushed a hand through his hair, dropped into the seat next to Taekwoon. "Yes. I don't want to deal with this right now. You're both adults— _you're_ an adult, even if you don't act like it sometimes. I don't need to sit the two of you down in a corner until you get your shit together anymore. Not that there'll be time for it—you'll be at rehearsal all the time now. How is that, I haven't asked you yet."

"It's good," Taekwoon said, his cheeks twitching. "I like it."

"Get away from us for a bit," Hakyeon said, and then he laughed, a little choked.

"You know that's not true," Taekwoon said. "I like being with everyone the most." And then: "you're the one who said it was good for us to do things by ourselves. Because there are things we can't do as VIXX."

"I did say that, didn't I?" Hakyeon said. His eyes closed briefly, his face tired. Hakyeon had been working hard—there was only Weekly Idol on his schedule but he'd been taking acting lessons and singing lessons and working on choreographing and everything Hakyeon was always doing whenever they had spare moments.

"Hakyeon," Taekwoon said slowly, "have you been alright lately?"

Hakyeon's eyes snapped open, turned to Taekwoon. "What are you talking about?"

"It's just…" Sometimes the kids would come to him so he knew if they were alright or if they weren't alright, but Hakyeon—and Taekwoon had spent so much time as just LR lately, and now he'd have musical rehearsals and he remembered when Jaehwan had rehearsals and how little he'd seen him. Taekwoon shook his head, leaving the thought unfinished.

Hakyeon laughed dryly, running a hand through his hair. "I'd be more alright if our main vocal line weren't giving me a headache."

"Stop it," Taekwoon said, automatic—Hakyeon's eyes flashed towards him and Taekwoon shook his head. "It's me and Jaehwan, we're not just…we're not just the main vocal line. It's—it's not because we're the main vocal line."

Hakyeon's eyebrows shot up. "What's wrong with it? It's like how you and I are lifelong friends. Do you not want to be called that with me anymore either?"

Taekwoon shook his head again, folding his hands in his lap and then rubbing at his arms. His tongue flickered out over his lips and he sighed, unsure what he'd meant, unsure what he wanted to say.

"How'd we end up here," Hakyeon murmured softly and it was Taekwoon's turn to look sharply towards him. Hakyeon's eyebrow quirked up as he met his eyes. "This past year…" Hakyeon laughed dryly, shaking his head. "What is this, our break-up conversation?"

"What?" Taekwoon said somewhat dumbly.

Another dry laugh. "You didn't notice? Never looked back and realised how much we've changed? Even every time we talked—did you ever break up with a girl, ever broke up with anyone, I don't know. You spend weeks, months knowing something's different and changing and not knowing how you'd gotten there and one day one of you says 'we need to talk'—you don't think it's like that?"

Taekwoon shook his head. "I don't know," he said softly. "I haven't."

"Of course you haven't," Hakyeon said, and Taekwoon wished he knew what Hakyeon meant, wished he knew why Hakyeon was so frustrated, this sudden outburst, sharp and unexpected. He knew that Hakyeon was tired, but there were so many times when Hakyeon was tired. He knew Hakyeon was frustrated. He knew Hakyeon was upset, but he didn't know if it was at him or if it was at something else, or just—

"What does this have to do with me and Jaehwan?" Taekwoon asked.

"It doesn't," Hakyeon said shortly. "Unless you want to take this analogy further and say that Jaehwan is the friend you've been getting closer to and you're going to date him once we break up properly."

"You're upset," Taekwoon said. He frowned without looking at Hakyeon. His thoughts and feelings were all tangled inside of him and Taekwoon teased at them, tried to pull them apart so he could ask Hakyeon just what he was trying to say, so Taekwoon could say what he wanted to say. Taekwoon didn't know what he wanted to say.

"Am I?" Hakyeon's cheeks pulled tight as he looked towards Taekwoon. "Maybe I am."

"You're the one who says we should sort out our fights right away," Taekwoon said.

"We're not fighting," Hakyeon said, looking sharply at Taekwoon. "Did you think we were?"

Taekwoon quickly shook his head.

"You were the one who said you wanted to give us space," Taekwoon said—he didn't know what it had to do with all this, not really.

"And then I said I didn't mean it," Hakyeon said. He gave Taekwoon an odd look that Taekwoon didn't hold.

"She broke up with me," Taekwoon said after a moment.

"Of course," Hakyeon muttered—irritation welled up inside of Taekwoon and he bit at the inside of his cheek to keep from swearing at Hakyeon. If he were Jaehwan, he would've told Hakyeon to fuck off. Taekwoon knew that without a doubt.

And then: "I asked Jaehwan why he'd been acting strange, and then he told me I was the one who'd been acting strange."

"And then he came to my room," Hakyeon said.

Taekwoon nodded, his mouth pulling tight.

"Well," Hakyeon said, and then stopped. He shook his head a little, pressed his lips together.

"I don't know," Taekwoon said. "They're different things aren't they—me and Jaehwan, me and you. I mean, they are different." He swallowed, thinking briefly about how different they were, him and Hakyeon, him and Jaehwan. If this had been a year ago, two years ago—would he have told Hakyeon, would he have explained to Hakyeon. But then again, did Hakyeon need to know, would Hakyeon want to know. But then again, Hakyeon loved this sort of thing didn't he. But then again—

"I want to go to sleep," Taekwoon said. He stood up, phone in hand, tugged the blankets over his head and put his earbuds in so he could pretend that he didn't hear Hakyeon's quiet: "So who's breaking up with who?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

For all that Seoul and Tokyo were different, Taekwoon always wondered at how small the differences could be. For all that Seoul and New York were different, Taekwoon always wondered at how small the differences could be. For all the differences from city to city, the mix of languages, the different spices of food, the rice or lack of it, the clothes, the cities, the countryside, if people were Asian or white or black—in the end, all those differences seemed to fade, given time. The difference between home and not home to be bridged in the space of hours, of less than a day, an enclosed craft that soared above the clouds, over the seas.

The clouds swirled outside the window as the plane descended and there was the small swoop in his stomach as they dropped. It'd been a long time since he'd taken any note of it. It was always as if this moment of ascent, of descent, as the world disappeared for those moments as they sank within the clouds—as if this were a portal between worlds that were never so different from each other. As if the plane was the other world altogether, small and enclosed and isolated.

A piece of the world away from life, a piece where Taekwoon could pretend that the days weren't pressing relentlessly on, a piece where Taekwoon could pretend that days hadn't already dragged behind them, irrevocable and unchangeable.

The plane broke through the clouds and then it was the expanse of squat buildings, gray highways, wide fields, and the demarcation of airport and not airport, and how familiar it had become. It had been sunny in Tokyo—it was a grey Seoul afternoon they returned to. Taekwoon shut his eyes for the last few moments as the plane bumped along the ground, the roar of sound as the plane trembled and slowed, rumbling through his bones, through the music in his headphones.

Home.

A month of travel and now they were home and Taekwoon took in a deep breath, ignoring as the others stirred, switching phones off airplane mode, ready to get up and grab bags and step back into the real world. In a month and a half, a bit more than that, Taekwoon would be standing on the stage of his second musical, and the thought had his stomach swooping far faster and more than any airplane.

But for all the anticipation and nerves, for all the worries and apprehension, life flowed as life did and January melded into February and Taekwoon buried himself in scripts and in song, in hours in front of the mirror, in hours with people who he'd met for the first time a scarce month ago. Life flowed as life did, and Taekwoon so rarely saw Hakyeon that it was as if that strange night in a hotel room a world apart had never happened. Hongbin finally finished filming Moorim and Jaehwan had long since finished Cinderella, and Taekwoon found himself smiling as he scrolled through the ROVIXX twitter only to find a picture of Jaehwan tugging him through the airport from goodness knew when.

For even with rehearsals day in and day out, February seemed relaxing, almost empty, schedules scarce and void of airports. In a brief moment of half-waking thought, Taekwoon wondered if rehearsals weren't like those hours spent in a plane—another space altogether, so different and apart. It was nice, being the youngest. A brief thought, a brief pang of guilt: a space where he didn't have anyone to take care of, to lead, to be the hyung to. Where no one expected him to have advice—where Taekwoon was the one who could always ask others for advice.

"You said you'd ask me for advice," Jaehwan grumbled.

They were moving, _finally_ moving. It was Jinwoon-hyung's old place, a house, each with their own rooms. Except for Sanghyuk and Wonsik but they'd shared a room for so long with just the two of them it seemed natural—besides, Wonsik was almost never home.

Taekwoon flushed a little guiltily. "But Sungrok-hyung gives better advice," he said.

"Mean! You're just throwing me away like that?"

"I'm not," Taekwoon said—it was a little whiny and Jaehwan laughed, his grin bright and radiant.

It was strange, this place being emptied out like this, an echoing shell. Boxes and suitcases piled by the walls, closets empty, cupboards bare. He wondered who'd live here next—a rookie group? A family? He didn't know what the company would do with it. The furniture wasn't going with them—the couch they were sitting on would stay, the table they'd finally gotten after years without had no place in their new dorm. They'd be getting new furniture, new things, and Hakyeon had already spent excited hours going through furniture catalogues, scrolling through pages and pages of prettily colour-matched things.

Jaehwan drummed his heels against the floor, the two of them somehow the last to be driven over to the new place. Taekwoon had had rehearsal, had come back not so long ago. Jaehwan had stayed because there hadn't been enough room in the car.

"What is your advice?" Taekwoon asked.

For all that Hakyeon had rounded on Taekwoon over Jaehwan, there was nothing strange about Jaehwan at all. It was as if something had been reset inside him, between the two of them—only Taekwoon had to tuck away the thought that he suddenly had an extra bit of fondness for Jaehwan he hadn't always had. No, that wasn't quite right—there hadn't been anything sudden about it, there couldn't have been. And yet, as they'd come down from that stage and Jaehwan had linked his arm in Taekwoon's, playful and cheery as they'd gone to meet the rest of VIXX and BTOB—there'd been the odd jolt that accompanied 'sudden'. Jaehwan didn't wear glasses anymore, neither did Sanghyuk—maybe it was like that, like when they'd opened their eyes after the surgery and the world had suddenly become clearer, but the world hadn't changed at all.

Jaehwan was taking a long time to answer; he was thinking, his lip caught between his teeth, his brows furrowed just the smallest bit in thought.

"The hardest part is understanding your character, isn't it," Jaehwan said. Not quite a question, not quite an answer. The corner of his mouth twitched as he looked at Taekwoon. "It's not the singing. You're good at singing."

"It's different, singing for a musical," Taekwoon said softly. He was taking lessons, had been taking lessons, but compared to Sungrok-hyung and the others, he still felt lacking in so many ways.

"That's why I said, the hardest part is understanding your character," Jaehwan said.

"So, all of it," Taekwoon said. "Except for the singing."

Jaehwan shook his head. "You can act, you can read the script, you can go there and go here and follow all the directions—but if you don't feel like your character...it's different. It doesn't feel right."

"Is this the advice of an actor with three roles?" Taekwoon said, voice teasing a little. Jaehwan wrinkled his nose at Taekwoon, his entire face scrunching up.

"I dunno," Jaehwan said. "Don't you always say to just work hard and enjoy it?"

"I do say that don't I," Taekwoon said. He laughed, smiling at Jaehwan. "Then, what was the hardest part of understanding your character?"

Taekwoon didn't know what answer he was expecting, didn't know if he was expecting something quick and cheeky, or if he was expecting the silence that followed Taekwoon's words. A myriad of expressions seemed to flash over Jaehwan's face, minute motions and small reactions. A quick frown, one corner of his mouth pulled tight and then a slight lift into something that might've been a smile had Jaehwan's brows not been drawn downwards.

"Falling in love," Jaehwan finally said. He said these words softly, without looking at Taekwoon, not until they'd settled in this empty apartment, fallen into the cracks. And then he did look at Taekwoon; first with an expression that matched those words, that matched the tone, with a small, wry smile, with the hint of a raised brow, with something that might've been a question, an expression that lasted barely half a second—and then with a wide grin and scrunched up eyes and loud laughter.

"Stupid," Taekwoon grumbled, smacking Jaehwan on the shoulder.

But:

"Hyung, Armand and Mata Hari...do you think he falls in love at first sight?" Taekwoon was sitting off to the side with Sungrok, watching as the two Matas worked through a scene together. Being in Full House with Eunji had been different in so many ways, and in some ways, Taekwoon felt like this was his first time all over again. It might as well have been—the scale was immense and the story was deep and Taekwoon had never and would never in his life be a French pilot in World War Two. There were times when he felt the expectation was crushing—but Sungrok-hyung had said that if he thought back on all the times he'd stood on stage for the first time as an idol, was it really so different?

Sungrok laughed, quirking his eyebrows at Taekwoon. "What do you think?" he asked.

"I don't know," Taekwoon said honestly. "Mata Hari is beautiful and Armand is young, but…"

"Aren't you young?" Sungrok asked. It was a little teasing and Taekwoon flushed. "But it's good to think about these sorts of things. 'Who is Armand?' But before you can answer that you need to ask 'who am I?', don't you think so?"

"If it were me, I wouldn't," Taekwoon said. He followed this with a small laugh, his cheeks scrunching up unintentionally. "I'm not very good with people."

"You were a little quiet at first, but I don't think that means you're not good with people," Sungrok said, and the teasing tone was oddly gone. "But whether or not Armand truly falls in love with Mata Hari in that moment is up to you—that's the beauty of the stage, to breathe life into the person you become when you stand on it."

"I think," Taekwoon said slowly, "he wants to love her because she is beautiful, and then without knowing it he truly does love her."

"Then that's how it is," Sungrok said.

"But how does he know he's fallen in love?" Taekwoon asked.

Sungrok chuckled softly, patted Taekwoon on the shoulder. "You'll have to figure that one out yourself."

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Ah? Hyung?" Jaehwan looked up from his laptop when Taekwoon walked into his room. "What're you doing here?"

Taekwoon shrugged, crossing the room to flop gracelessly down next to Jaehwan.

"Were you lonely?" Jaehwan asked.

Taekwoon shrugged again. "I was bored," he said. He leaned against Jaehwan, head falling on Jaehwan's shoulder, his arms about Jaehwan's waist.

"'Go practice'," Jaehwan said, clearly in a bad attempt to copy Taekwoon. Taekwoon smacked him on the head and huffed, before hugging Jaehwan tightly again.

"It's night," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan laughed softly. He closed the lid of his laptop, leaned back against the wall, taking Taekwoon's head with him. Jaehwan placed a hand on Taekwoon's arm, Taekwoon's eyes falling shut as he yawned. There were faint sounds of activity through the house—and the not so faint sound of Hongbin and Sanghyuk probably playing some game. It was still an unfamiliar place, their new dorm, and Taekwoon certainly hadn't spent enough time in it for it to be any more like home than a hotel room—albeit one full of his things. But Jaehwan was familiar and Taekwoon clung to it. He could hear and feel the rise and fall of Jaehwan's chest, the sound of him breathing, and Taekwoon could pretend that it was something like the pulse of Jaehwan's heartbeat. Warmth built between them, trapped in small spaces, slight pockets of air, their clothes. Taekwoon's eyes opened briefly when Jaehwan rested his head against Taekwoon's, a strange, bumpy weight. Jaehwan's hand was still on Taekwoon's arm, his thumb just brushing against the part of his wrist where the sleeve of his sweater didn't quite cover.

Taekwoon yawned and then Jaehwan yawned and they both laughed as Jaehwan's chin dug against Taekwoon's head when he turned. Taekwoon slid away when Jaehwan sat up. Jaehwan grinned at him and Taekwoon laughed back, his cheeks scrunching up without thinking.

"Rehearsal's tiring," Jaehwan said. Taekwoon nodded, sitting up and crossing his legs in front of himself. Jaehwan's eyes took on that teasing look and Taekwoon looked at him askance. "How're your maaaanyyyyy kissing scenes going?"

Taekwoon snorted and smacked Jaehwan on the back of the neck, pinching him for good measure until Jaehwan squirmed away, whining.

"We're not there yet," he mumbled, his cheeks instantly flushing. He wondered if they were putting it off for his sake, even though that probably wasn't true at all. With a sigh, he dropped his face into his hands for a brief moment before he straightened again.

"Tsch, but it's not like you'll do better than me," Jaehwan said. His eyes twinkled as he looked at Taekwoon, chest puffing out as he sat up proudly.

"I am not going to compete with you in kissing," Taekwoon said flatly.

"You're just jealous," Jaehwan said. "If you ask nicely maybe I'll help you practice."

Taekwoon let out a small puff of laughter, leaning back against the wall again. He had to lean away quickly when Jaehwan suddenly leaned towards him, lips pursed and eyes squeezed shut. "Bbobbo," Jaehwan sing-songed. Taekwoon rolled his eyes and shoved him away.

Jaehwan whined but sat back up. "But don't you want to ask me for my advice? I can help you practice, I have tons of practice!"

"Would you?" Taekwoon suddenly said. "If I asked."

Jaehwan's eyes widened, a strange expression passing over them. He held Taekwoon's gaze a moment too long before his eyes scrunched shut and Jaehwan wrapped his arms about himself. "Ewwww, cooties!" he screamed.

Taekwoon burst out laughing, even as he winced at Jaehwan's volume. "You're ridiculous," he said flatly, even though his cheeks kept twitching until he couldn't help but smile widely again. "First you offer and then you take it away?"

"Because your chance was over!" Jaehwan said. "It was a special one time offer."

"I will keep that in mind," Taekwoon said.

The room settled, the two of them sitting again in relative silence. Taekwoon glanced at Jaehwan, eyes flickering over Jaehwan's lips. He remembered teasing Jaehwan after Boarding House had aired—he remembered all the members teasing Jaehwan. Hakyeon had piled on Jaehwan during his radio show as well. Taekwoon remembered that because Jaehwan had nearly throttled Hakyeon for it afterwards and it'd taken both Jeongwhan-hyung and Eokyong-hyung to hold Jaehwan back while the rest of them had laughed and Hongbin had tried to hold Hakyeon down for Jaehwan to attack. It wasn't a secret that Jaehwan had nice lips, and Taekwoon wondered with a twist of amusement if Jaehwan really would help him kiss if he asked.

It wasn't like this would be his first kiss, but it would be in the first in a very long time—and it was a very different one.

"Are you practicing well?" Taekwoon asked Jaehwan. "Doing your lessons well?"

"Why do you always seem like a dad," Jaehwan complained. "It's been _years_."

"Because someone has to make sure you behave," Taekwoon said. "Better me than Hakyeon, right?"

"Not really," Jaehwan said. He wrinkled his nose as he looked at Taekwoon and Taekwoon laughed, rapping him gently on the head.

"Rest your voice well," Taekwoon said. "This will be a busy year."

A soft smile spread about Jaehwan's face, the one that he had when he did it without thinking. "Year long project," he said. "Three comebacks. Not since...before Voodoo Doll right? Before we got..."

"Before we got famous," Taekwoon finished for him, knowing what Jaehwan wanted to say but felt too strange to say. Taekwoon knew the feeling. It wasn't that they'd worked less hard after that, it was just that there were so many things about being an idol that weren't just about comebacks. So many things that wouldn't come until after you'd made your mark.

Jaehwan nodded, giving Taekwoon a wry smile. "Ah, it's going to be a busy year," Jaehwan said.

Taekwoon laughed. "I just said that."

"That doesn't mean I can't say it," Jaehwan said. "Three comebacks, Japan, a concert tour... and you have Mata Hari—will you be okay?"

"We've always had solo activities through comebacks," Taekwoon reminded him. He glanced at his phone, it was getting late. He didn't have rehearsal tomorrow. "And you don't know what you might have this year either."

"I guess," Jaehwan said slowly.

Taekwoon stood up, stretching. "We should go to bed," he said.

Jaehwan nodded. "It's still weird sleeping alone," Jaehwan said, mouth twisting into a wry smile. "Even if it's nice to have our own rooms."

Taekwoon laughed as he walked over to the door. "Are you lonely?" he asked.

"Go away," Jaehwan said, making a face. "You're trespassing."

"Good night," Taekwoon said, still laughing. Jaehwan flipped him off and stuck out his tongue; Taekwoon shook his head as he went back to his own room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was as they were getting off the van after they came back from Daejeon that Sanghyuk first said "wow hyung, you've been so happy lately it's kind of strange to see you grumpy."

Taekwoon snapped about to turn behind him, and he _was_ grumpy because he was tired and hungry and they hadn't had time to eat yet. The corners of his mouth tightened and he reached for Sanghyuk who just laughed as he curled back from Taekwoon, even as Wonsik held Taekwoon back.

"Maybe it's because he hasn't been with us," Hakyeon said with a shrug.

Taekwoon turned sharply away from Sanghyuk and towards Hakyeon. "What is your problem?"

"Careful, or he might break another street sign," Hongbin said, quickly stepping in between them. He flashed them both a bright grin, wide and easy.

Wonsik laughed a little nervously as Taekwoon flushed, still glaring at Hakyeon. There was another hand on his shoulder and Taekwoon flung it off, ready to stalk into their dorm, but it was just Jaehwan.

Taekwoon took a deep breath as he met Jaehwan's eyes, his brows creased in soft concern.

"Never mind," Jaehwan said. Taekwoon paused half a step when Jaehwan lifted his touch and stayed a step behind. Jaehwan nodded towards the dorm, telling him to go ahead, and Taekwoon stared a little mystified when Jaehwan dragged Sanghyuk back.

"I'm sorry," Hakyeon said as he caught up to Taekwoon once they were inside. "That was uncalled for."

Taekwoon didn't say anything, just glowered at Hakyeon as he went to the kitchen. He wanted to eat, he was hungry, and he set water to boil. He grabbed a package of ramyun from the cupboard—as an afterthought, he grabbed another.

He could tell when the others were steering him a wide berth and they were doing it now. Taekwoon ran a hand through his hair, pushed it away from his face even though his bangs were short now. His hair was black too, dyed again for the musical. There were days when he woke up and had to blink for a moment before he could remember what colour exactly his hair was, even if it didn't change half as often as some of the others. He'd liked the colour he'd had after they'd finished Chained Up, but having to redo his roots had been a bother.

The water was still boiling and Taekwoon tapped his fingers against the counter for a moment before he went to get a bowl and chopsticks, grabbed an egg from the fridge. It was when his back was turned that he heard someone else come in and Taekwoon turned, ready to tell whoever it was to get out. But it was only Jaehwan and Taekwoon's lips tightened for a minute, but nothing more.

"I think Hyogi was expecting you to laugh it off," Jaehwan said as he walked in. His lips twitched in a smile. "You've been doing that a lot more lately."

Taekwoon took a deep breath, dumped the soup powder and the noodles into the water now that it'd come to a boil. He should've put in the soup powder earlier; it was easier to get it to mix evenly that way.

He wanted to deny that he was being grumpy, but he _was_ being grumpy and even Taekwoon could tell that he was being silly and childish right now.

"What did you say to Sanghyuk?" Taekwoon asked.

"Nothing, actually," Jaehwan said, shrugging off-handedly. "I just didn't want you to kill him."

Taekwoon laughed at that, shaking his head at Jaehwan. "Isn't it the other way around now?"

"Has been for a while," Jaehwan agreed, nodding solemnly. He prodded Taekwoon's cheek, sudden and unexpected. Taekwoon snapped at his finger but Jaehwan had already pulled back.

"Hamster-hyong~" Jaehwan said, sing song. Taekwoon snorted, pinching the back of Jaehwan's neck.

He'd been absentmindedly stirring the ramyun every now and then, getting it to cook well, and he turned his attention back to it now.

"I made two," Taekwoon said. "I was going to eat both, but you can have half."

Jaehwan blinked at him, stared at him like he'd grown an extra head or something. Taekwoon turned away from him, biting at his lip. He hadn't been planning to eat both, but he didn't want to say that either. There was a moment of silence that didn't last long, breaking when Taekwoon sang a few bars from Every Moment of You; he glanced at Jaehwan when Jaehwan joined in, his voice a harmony to Taekwoon's. Taekwoon smiled at him.

" _Every moment of me, I hope it'll be you_ ," Taekwoon sang, pitching the melody a little differently and he smiled as Jaehwan's face scrunched up for a moment but then he adjusted his own harmony, and they settled into the next line together, eyes meeting.

" _Just thinking of it overwhelms me, and every bit of me is filled with you_ ," they sang, and Taekwoon let his voice drop a little, fade away as Jaehwan softly sang the last line before he laughed softly.

"D'you think it's done?" Jaehwan asked. He nodded at the stove.

Taekwoon prodded at the noodles and then turned off the fire, already a lot less grumpy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Thank you for coming today," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan glanced up as Taekwoon came into his room, face breaking out into a grin. "Is that for me?" he asked, as Taekwoon brought the box of cookies in with him.

"Both of us," Taekwoon said. He sat down on the floor and Jaehwan rolled over to join him, snagging one of the cookies out of the box.

"You did good," Jaehwan said, crumbs sticking to the side of his mouth. Taekwoon sighed, reaching towards him to brush them away, Jaehwan making a face as he did so.

"I didn't win," Taekwoon said a little ruefully. "But I still had fun."

"You were fun to watch," Jaehwan said. He grabbed another cookie, sitting up this time to eat it. "I especially liked it when you beatboxed."

"Ahh, that's because you taught me that," Taekwoon said, whining a little.

"You should've done more aegyo," Jaehwan said. He brought his fists up to his cheeks, pawing at the air. "Sha sha sha~"

"Sha sha sha," Taekwoon echoed, copying him. Jaehwan laughed loudly, the sound jarring and warm all at once.

Taekwoon hadn't known that Jaehwan had come to watch him record for King of Masked Singer until in between the two rounds, and Jaehwan had been waiting for him back in the dressing room with a bottle of water and an encouraging smile and a hug. Taekwoon couldn't deny that his heart hadn't done a small flip when he'd seen Jaehwan there.

He looked at Jaehwan fondly, laughing when Jaehwan pursed his lips at him when their eyes met.

"It was really obvious it was you though," Jaehwan said. Two cookies in and it seemed like he was done for the moment. He was tracing a nonsensical pattern on the floor, glancing up at Taekwoon as he spoke. "Especially when you went to the floor like that."

"I couldn't help it," Taekwoon said. "My body moved without me thinking. It was embarrassing."

Jaehwan laughed but didn't deny it, and Taekwoon bit at his lip as he stared at Jaehwan a little grumpily. If it'd been Jaehwan, he would've done it well and without being embarrassed. Not that anything seemed to embarrass Jaehwan.

Taekwoon hummed softly underneath his breath, a few snatches of To Heaven that he'd sung today. He hadn't won with it—hadn't even been close—but it had been good to sing like that. It was hard from behind the mask, because it was a mask, but just like he'd said during the interview, it'd also been hard to remember that his voice had been all he had. It'd been half the point—Taekwoon was so used to pouring his all into the gazes and gestures they'd practice in front of the mirror, a habit born of their different concepts and now this other sort of acting on stage, that to sing without it almost seemed odd. Perhaps that was the odd part—that this sort of performing, acting, while singing had become the natural order of things.

He glanced at Jaehwan who was staring quietly at nothing. He was a good kid—even if Taekwoon hadn't liked him in that sort of way, he liked him for being so good. Mischievous, silly, too blunt at times and just as awkward as Taekwoon was in certain ways—but he was good.

"Jaehwan," Taekwoon said softly. Jaehwan looked up at him, fingers stilling. "Do you remember when you once asked me if I was ever jealous?"

Jaehwan's brows creased into a frown and then he shook his head. "Did I?"

It'd been a while ago, and he wasn't surprised that Jaehwan didn't remember. He wasn't sure himself why the question had kept bouncing about inside him, why he finally had a different answer for it.

"You said that I should tell you not to be jealous because it would make you feel better, because you said you were jealous that I had VIXX LR with Wonsik, even though you had so many other things," Taekwoon said softly. He waited to see if there would be any flicker of recognition in Jaehwan's eyes but there wasn't.

There was a quizzical crease of the brows, the press of his lips. Taekwoon laughed, a small laugh.

"I didn't say it, but I was jealous," Taekwoon said. There was a small flicker in Jaehwan's expression now, and the corner of Taekwoon's lips quirked. "I was jealous that you had Chess, and then right away you had Cinderella, even though I'd had Full House and I had chances to audition for musicals too. I was jealous that you recorded One by One, even though I'd been chosen to do Blossom Tears. Even if I can never film a drama, I want to. Of course I was jealous of you."

"Hyung?" Jaehwan's brows were deeply furrowed now, and Taekwoon wanted to reach out and ruffle his hair. He really was a good kid, but more than that, he wasn't a kid at all anymore.

"That's how we all got here, isn't it?" Taekwoon asked.

"I don't understand."

"Wanting to have more, wanting to do more, being greedy," Taekwoon said. "I'm always going to want the things you do, and you're going to want the things I do—but, Jaehwan-ah, just like you're always happy for me, I'm always happy for you too. Because that's what it is when it's a person you like."

Jaehwan's lips twitched. "A person you like," he echoed.

Taekwoon nodded, then picked up a cookie and handed it to Jaehwan. Jaehwan took it with a small laugh, stuffing the entire thing into his mouth. It crunched noisily as he ate, his mouth moving around it awkwardly, a little too big. Taekwoon had to stifle a laugh as he watched and Jaehwan made an irritated face at Taekwoon even as he chewed.

It took several moments too long for Taekwoon to realise what Jaehwan had said and in turn what he'd said. He hadn't meant it that way and Jaehwan wouldn't have meant it that way, but every time there was still a small jolt of 'ah, I _like_ Jaehwan' that inevitably drew a smile to his face and a small skip of his heart.

"One by One...Chess... Were those that long ago?" Jaehwan asked. His head tilted, his frown one of thought.

"I suppose," Taekwoon said. "It doesn't feel like it, but it feels like it at the same time, doesn't it?"

"They do say that time flies," Jaehwan said, and then he smiled at Taekwoon. "You took a long time to answer a question. So long I forgot I even asked."

Taekwoon let out a small puff of laughter and shook his head.

"Is this because of Conception?" Jaehwan asked. He scooted over to Taekwoon so they were sitting next to each other. Taekwoon's eyebrows lifted slightly in inquiry. "Since it's Zelos—and I'm Zeus!"

"Sanghyuk's still insufferable over that, every time it comes up," Taekwoon said, amused.

"Good, that kid needs to learn some fear," Jaehwan said, huffing.

"That's my line," Taekwoon said, still a little grumpy over how much Sanghyuk had grown and was perfectly happy bullying all of his hyungs. He seemed to get particular pleasure out of bullying Taekwoon though, which was frankly entirely unfair, Taekwoon rather thought.

Jaehwan laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling this time as his grin stretched wide.

"It's because hyung was so mean to our cute Hyuk at first," Jaehwan said. "Just like you were so mean to me."

" _You_ deserved it," Taekwoon said, lips pursing. "And I wasn't being mean—you're the one who was scared of me for no reason."

"You still could've been nicer," Jaehwan said. He leaned against Taekwoon and Taekwoon wrapped his arms about Jaehwan, shuffling so it was Taekwoon resting his chin over Jaehwan's shoulder instead.

"It's not because of Zelos," Taekwoon said. Jaehwan turned to look at him, but there wasn't enough space between the two of them and their faces were too close for either of their eyes to focus. Taekwoon laughed as Jaehwan went cross eyed.

"It's so far away," Jaehwan said, giving up on looking at Taekwoon.

"There's a lot to do," Taekwoon said. They'd all but settled the details for their year long story, but then it'd go to designing and everything else that turned it into a proper comeback, a proper concept for the concept-dols.

"We're releasing Depend On Me in a month first," Jaehwan said, and from the quieting tone of his voice it was clear that he was getting sleepy. It wasn't that late yet, but Taekwoon could feel sleep weighing down his eyelids too. They were both getting old, he supposed.

"Say, hyung," Jaehwan said, half turning towards Taekwoon again. "Have you gotten to the kissing yet?"

Taekwoon spluttered, not expecting it at all. He buried his face in Jaehwan's shoulder and shook his head, awkward as it was. "Why?" he asked, his voice muffled.

"I was thinking aloud," Jaehwan said.

"About?" Taekwoon asked, lifting his face again.

"That it's not fair you'll practice kissing with Joohyun-ssi and Sohyang-ssi but not with me when I've known you so much longer," Jaehwan whined.

"You're still thinking about that?" Taekwoon asked. Somehow, he wasn't surprised at all that Jaehwan would still be stuck on something so silly.

"Aren't my lips nicer?" Jaehwan said, earning himself a pinch at the back of his neck that had him whining and squirming away, but Taekwoon still had one arm firmly about Jaehwan's waist and he didn't get far.

"Hyung!" Jaehwan whined, turning to Taekwoon. Jaehwan seemed to blur in front of his eyes for a moment and then Taekwoon remembered that yes, Jaehwan's lips were very nice. He smiled a little at the thought. They were close enough that when Taekwoon leaned forward, his lips brushed gently against Jaehwan's.

Jaehwan stilled, froze, and Taekwoon sat up slowly. His heart seemed to be thudding too loud, but not as loud as it ought to be. Jaehwan's fingers slowly went to his lips, eyes widening, and then he laughed, his eyes crinkling as they curled into crescents, his entire face scrunching up. Taekwoon buried his own face in his hands and dropped his head into his lap.

"Aw hyung, do you do that at rehearsal too?" Jaehwan asked. He prodded at Taekwoon's shoulder until he sat up. "What're you gonna do when it's the long kiss?"

Taekwoon bit at the inside of his lip, cheeks twitching as he thought—and then deciding he'd rather not think about it. His head promptly went down again. Jaehwan sighed and patted Taekwoon's head, like Jaehwan was the hyung.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just as autumn would freeze into winter, winter would always melt into spring. The snow was long gone by the time the temperature skyrocketed, ready to settle into something more pleasant for the year, for the soil to be so warm that it was more common than not for buds to have formed on bare branches, for green to decorate what had once been gray.

Taekwoon always liked spring, if only because he didn't like how cold winter always was.

"It's still cold," Hakyeon remarked. He'd worn a lighter jacket and Taekwoon wondered if he ought to share his somehow.

They were sitting outside the house and it would've been easy to go back in to get a warmer one, but it didn't seem right. Taekwoon shifted closer to Hakyeon, close enough to wrap his arms about him. He didn't expect Hakyeon to pull away, giving him an odd look.

"You look cold," Taekwoon said. Hakyeon laughed softly; he leaned back towards Taekwoon, resting his shoulder against his.

"I'm not," Hakyeon said. "Not really."

There was something threadbare and worn about Hakyeon's voice, the one that meant he was pushing himself to the edge again. But then again, Hakyeon was always pushing himself to the edge. An edge that the fans never saw because Hakyeon would never let them see, but there were times when it still bled through, hints that were still too far from the real thing. Hakyeon was filming—but it seemed like he was always filming—and Taekwoon knew that he'd save all his exhaustion for moments like this, the silent ones when Hakyeon could be by himself.

It'd been a while since it'd been him and Taekwoon like this, but it'd been Hakyeon who'd been outside and Taekwoon who'd come outside when he'd seen him. Hakyeon hadn't told him to go away when Taekwoon had sat down next to him, and so, Taekwoon had stayed. Maybe it was something like habit, going somewhere quiet, somewhere to be alone—even now when they had their own rooms.

"How are you?" Hakyeon asked.

Taekwoon blinked in the darkness at the question. Only then did he realise how little he'd spoken to Hakyeon lately. Maybe it was something like habit, never bothering to call Hakyeon when Hakyeon had always been so good at seeking him out. When they were together, it was always about work.

"Mata Hari starts in less than a month," Taekwoon said. He heard Hakyeon's laugh, and then felt the small puff of breath against his face.

"I asked how you were, not how your musical was," Hakyeon said. "But I guess that's one and the same for you right now."

"How are you?" Taekwoon asked, turning the question around.

"Busy," Hakyeon said. "Tired."

If there was one thing about Hakyeon, it was that he wasn't afraid to be brutally honest, especially when there were no cameras about, when there was no one else about, but rarely about this. Except, perhaps, to Taekwoon. It was Taekwoon's turn to laugh softly, although there was no real amusement in it, albeit the small thread that was tied to Hakyeon himself.

"Is filming going well?" Taekwoon asked.

"Of course," Hakyeon said. He sat up, glancing at Taekwoon and meeting his eyes in the semi-dark. "Are your kissing scenes going well?"

Taekwoon groaned, dropping his face into his hands. "Why is that all anyone wants to know about?"

"You do have very many of them," Hakyeon said, laughter straining at the seams of his words.

"They're fine," Taekwoon mumbled as he straightened, and they were. For all that he'd been embarrassed with Jaehwan, only the first few times had been awkward. He'd spent so much time together with Joohyun-noona and Sohyang-noona that it hadn't felt too strange to act that part out properly. Songruk-hyung had also been encouraging as the four of them had talked it through one night as they'd grabbed dinner together. A small smile slipped out at the memory and then at the rehearsals in general. "But it's hard not to be nervous about everything else."

"We all just have to try our best," Hakyeon said. Taekwoon nodded.

"Hakyeon."

"Mm?"

"Never mind," Taekwoon said, shaking his head. It wasn't that he hadn't thought of what he wanted to say—it was that he'd thought about it, and then in a split second had decided Hakyeon didn't need to know it. And then: "it'll be good to be together as VIXX again."

"You mean we're not together as VIXX now?" Hakyeon asked, voice teasing. Taekwoon's mouth twitched as he gave Hakyeon a hard stare and Hakyeon relented with a laugh. "But yes, it will be."

"You can properly be leader again," Taekwoon said, amusement sparking at the edges. "Take charge of the kids."

"Ugh, the part I'm looking the least forward to," Hakyeon said. "And you—you're as bad as the rest of them sometimes. It's like I have five kindergarteners to watch."

"I'm not," Taekwoon protested.

"Only sometimes," Hakyeon said.

Taekwoon made a small disgruntled noise but didn't push it, opting to lean against Hakyeon instead. The night seemed large and silent about them, even though lights coloured it shadow-fuzzed.

"It's nice," Taekwoon said suddenly. "Not being the oldest."

"You're never the oldest," Hakyeon said, huffing. Taekwoon puffed out his cheeks, but Hakyeon didn't see, sitting side by side as they were. "You mean it's nice being the youngest, don't you."

"Maybe," Taekwoon admitted.

"Baby."

Taekwoon smacked Hakyeon on the back of his neck; he should've expected it but he still yelped in surprise when Hakyeon grabbed and yanked on his hair. He rubbed at the back of his head as he whined piteously.

"Baby," Hakyeon said again, and Taekwoon huffed.

"Your press conference is tomorrow isn't it?" Hakyeon asked. "For Mata Hari?"

Taekwoon nodded, leaning forward now, elbows on his knees.

"Musicals," Hakyeon said, and it was almost said as a sigh. "I want to do a musical too. But I'm not one of the main vocals, am I?"

"You're one of VIXX's vocals," Taekwoon said firmly.

"Leader vocal," Hakyeon said, laughing a little.

"You can't do a musical and a drama at the same time," Taekwoon said after a moment.

"I suppose," Hakyeon said. "There's only so much I can do at once."

"Even if you're Cha Hakyeon," Taekwoon said, glancing quickly at Hakyeon with a small laugh barely hidden.

"Even if I'm Cha Hakyeon," Hakyeon said. He pressed his mouth shut as he stared at Taekwoon, daring him to say more.

"Hakyeon."

"Mm?"

"Jaehwan—" Taekwoon stopped, shook his head again. _You were right_ , he was about to say, but he didn't know if this was something he should admit to Hakyeon he'd been right about.

But:

"I was right, wasn't I?" Hakyeon said and Taekwoon sat up to stare at Hakyeon without realising it. "But it's alright—main vocal line on good terms and lifelong friends, we can still have both, no matter who's closest to who."

"That's not..." Taekwoon trailed off, not sure what he'd meant, when he had meant to say that Hakyeon was right, he'd gotten closer to Jaehwan. He never seemed to be able to think things through properly when he was with Hakyeon.

"Don't be silly," Hakyeon said. He laughed, tugging at Taekwoon's ear. Taekwoon swatted him away, glowering. "I still like you."

Taekwoon's mouth twitched as Hakyeon looked at him expectantly. "No," Taekwoon said, if only on principle.

"No?" Hakyeon asked, voice lilting a little dangerously. "No what?"

"How was your filming?" Taekwoon quickly said, drawing Hakyeon away from dangerous ground. It didn't matter much when Hakyeon had jumped onto him, fully intent on getting Taekwoon to say that he liked Hakyeon too.

Taekwoon was sad to say that in the end, Hakyeon did succeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jaehwan?"

Taekwoon tugged the earbuds out and sat up on his bed when Jaehwan's head poked through Taekwoon's door. He beckoned Jaehwan in with a sigh, mostly because Jaehwan had already welcomed himself in. Taekwoon's face quirked amused when he saw the snacks in Jaehwan's hand.

"A reward," Jaehwan said quickly, stuffing them into Taekwoon's bag. "For doing well at rehearsal today."

Taekwoon stared blankly at Jaehwan, too tired to process what Jaehwan meant. A moment, and then Jaehwan had climbed into bed with Taekwoon, sliding under the blankets. Taekwoon sighed, lying back down as well, stopping the music on his phone entirely.

"You're not supposed to come," Taekwoon said.

"I was just picking you up," Jaehwan said.

"Which was Raon-hyung's job and not yours," Taekwoon said. But then he sighed, patting Jaehwan on the arm.

"But you seemed happy to see me," Jaehwan said.

"I was happy to see you," Taekwoon admitted. He quickly clamped his mouth shut, hoping his cheeks weren't flushing pink.

"See, so I wasn't wrong to come," Jaehwan said, puffing up proudly. It made Taekwoon laugh and he awkwardly patted Jaehwan on the head, even though they were both lying down.

Taekwoon thought of asking Jaehwan what he was doing here, right now, in Taekwoon's room, but it was peaceful like this with Jaehwan beside him for no reason at all. Even when Jaehwan started talking—about nothing at all—it seemed nice.

They'd read it through for the first time today with the orchestra and it had been something else altogether, music swelling about them as they sang. With every new step, with every new milestone they passed as they quickly closed on the premier date, Taekwoon felt his nerves grow. It was hard not to—the scale of the production was even larger than Taekwoon had imagined.

Jaehwan was chattering on about his day now and Taekwoon smiled softly to himself. Wonsik's mixtape had finally been released, and Taekwoon couldn't have been prouder of him for that either. It was through threads like this that Taekwoon realised that at some point, Jaehwan's hand had come to rest on top of his.

The contact was warm, soothing.

A stray thought: a question he'd asked Sungrok-hyung that Taekwoon had never really thought of it again.

Maybe it was just moments like these, when Taekwoon felt like he could lose himself in this small touch, in the crinkle of Jaehwan's eyes when their gazes met, the brief brush of their shoulders, the loud sound of Jaehwan's laugh—there was no real reason, no real answer. Just moments, and Taekwoon drifted off to sleep like that, his palm turned upwards, their fingers loosely linked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

If there were always moments in one's life that one could assign more importance to, then there were always moments that, fleeting and inconsequential as they were, life would assign more importance to. Small, quiet moments that would form brief flashes of memory, moments that would form no memories at all. Moments that were momentous in themselves—first wins, first stages, each and every 'first' that ought to be captured forever—or moments that held no importance in themselves and yet would come to because of the memories they held.

But if there were moments that such thoughts drifted through Taekwoon's mind, this was not one of them.

This was Jaehwan leaning sleepily against the wall with Taekwoon beside him, staff bustling as they adjusted lighting and the props, because it was early morning and Jaehwan had been up late practicing. He was quiet, his expressions subdued, brief attempts at humour inevitably falling quickly silent.

Taekwoon prodded Jaehwan's cheek, quickly pulling his finger back and stifling a laugh when Jaehwan snapped at him.

"You should wake up," Taekwoon said. He wasn't much more awake—he'd never been good with mornings—but Jaehwan was drooping like a plant that needed to be watered.

"'m awake," Jaehwan mumbled.

"When did Zeus become so sleepy?" Taekwoon asked.

"When they got two hours of sleep." Jaehwan wrinkled his nose at Taekwoon before jutting out his bottom lip. He dropped his forehead against Taekwoon's shoulder.

The shirt that Taekwoon was wearing reminded him of fish scales and he fiddled with one of them now. Jaehwan still hadn't gotten made up yet, and this Jaehwan soft and sleepy beside him was the furthest thing from the Jaehwan with his hair slicked back and dressed in a sharp white suit jacket that he would become, that the world would see, that would be captured and kept forever on film. Taekwoon turned his head, opened his mouth wide to bite at Jaehwan's head—he got a mouthful of hair and Jaehwan yelping as he sat up, nearly colliding with Taekwoon's face.

"Hyung!" Jaehwan whined. "Don't eat me!"

You're so cute I want to, Taekwoon briefly thought of saying. He settled for patting Jaehwan on the head instead.

Jaehwan grumbled nonsense, shuffling so he was a good handspan away from Taekwoon; Taekwoon shuffled over to wrap Jaehwan in a side hug, resting his cheek on Jaehwan's shoulder before letting go.

Taekwoon would film first so he could go to rehearsal and Hakyeon would come after once he finished wrapping up filming. It had been a struggle to get Jaehwan out of bed and into the van even vaguely on time that morning but they'd eventually managed, and now he had a half-awake puppy leaning against him.

"This year will be good," Taekwoon said, more towards the filming sets than anything else. They weren't filming for comeback proper yet; the comeback concept would be very different from this. This felt more like VIXX's style—darker and more subdued than Zelos would be. And yet Taekwoon couldn't say it was all bad to do something like Zelos, to do something so markedly different than anything they'd ever done. That was the plan: to spend a year doing things that were different, things that people might not immediately think of VIXX, but things that they could get people to see and then think 'ah, VIXX'. Conception—a start, an image. It was a good word for what they were going to do this year.

"Every time we come back," Jaehwan said, half mumbled, "I always wonder how you'll be when we film things."

Taekwoon frowned towards Jaehwan, but Jaehwan was staring somewhat blankly ahead at where they were adjusting the lighting around the bathtub.

A start, an image.

"No aegyo," Taekwoon said. "I can't do aegyo."

"That's okay, I'm in charge of aegyo anyway," Jaehwan said. He grinned cheekily towards Taekwoon, eyes squeezed shut as he made baby noises. Taekwoon laughed and ruffled Jaehwan's hair like he might pet a dog, and Jaehwan's noises only got louder.

"And!" Jaehwan said, perking up. "I'm not giving you any of my talents either."

"I don't want to be a dog anyway," Taekwoon said.

"So if you can't do aegyo and you can't be a dog, then that means what you have to do is talk more," Jaehwan said. "After all, even if you're cute you'll never be as cute as me."

Taekwoon eyed Jaehwan critically, wondering when and how he'd come back to life. He also noted, with an odd tilt, that Jaehwan had just called him cute. He got no respect from any of the kids these days.

"Why are we talking about this?" Taekwoon asked, curious.

"Because I just remembered," Jaehwan said.

"Remembered what?"

"That I promised to help our Hamzzi get better with the camera," Jaehwan said solemnly, earning himself a rap on his neck. Jaehwan squirmed away but his pout turned quickly into a yawn and Taekwoon laughed, even as he couldn't help his own yawn. Jaehwan's eyes crinkled as he laughed back at Taekwoon.

"Ah, hyung really is cute," Jaehwan said and he was back to being soft and sleepy. Taekwoon shook his head in amusement.

"I thought of this lately, but your problem isn't really the camera anymore—it hasn't been in a while. Or it's the camera but it's not because you're not okay with the camera...is that what I'm trying to say?"

Taekwoon squinted at Jaehwan. "What are you trying to say?"

Jaehwan sighed, slumping down against the wall. "I guess, is it that hyung _can't_ express himself well in front of the camera, or that hyung doesn't _want_ to."

The corners of Taekwoon's mouth pulled tight as he regarded Jaehwan. Jaehwan picked at the hem of his pants and Taekwoon wondered when they'd call Jaehwan over to get him properly ready. Soon, probably. Taekwoon tugged Jaehwan over to himself again, an arm about Jaehwan's waist, his head resting against Jaehwan's shoulder. Jaehwan was still for long moments and Taekwoon was as well, a small corner of quiet when they ought to have been busy.

"But it's okay," Jaehwan said suddenly. "If this isn't for the camera. Some things shouldn't be for the camera."

"If what isn't?" Taekwoon asked. He sat up, frowning at Jaehwan.

Jaehwan made a gesture and then shook his head. "There's other things," Jaehwan said. "To make you talk more."

"You don't make sense," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan laughed softly. "I know."

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehwan reached over Taekwoon for the seaweed crackers, his shoulder brushing against Taekwoon's. Taekwoon dropped it onto Jaehwan's lap and snagged the pepero box from him in exchange. He pulled two out at once and Jaehwan gave him a cross look, a sound of irritation, but he'd already stuffed a few crackers into his mouth and Taekwoon's shoulders shook in laughter.

It was cool outside and it would get colder once the night grew deeper, but it was alright right now. He'd picked up more snacks on the way back from the dress rehearsal—the _first_ dress rehearsal—and then he'd run into Jaehwan, and so here they were. But it was cold and once Taekwoon had nibbled through the pepero, he leaned closer to Jaehwan so he could wrap his arms about him, steal his warmth. Jaehwan made a small sound but didn't push him off—there was no reason why he should, Taekwoon had left his arms free.

"It's cool, the dress rehearsal," Taekwoon said into Jaehwan's neck. Jaehwan jerked away but Taekwoon was hugging him too tightly for him to get far and Jaehwan settled for a defeated sigh.

"Yeah?"

"Seeing it come together—it's cool," Taekwoon said. The costumes, the music, all the scenes properly one after the other, the set and all the lights. It'd been magical just watching, it'd been even more magical being part of it—and Taekwoon had only been working with Mata Hari for a few months.

"Yeah," Jaehwan said. "I guess it is."

"You're not very enthusiastic," Taekwoon said, eyes narrowing a little towards Jaehwan. "Didn't you find it cool?"

Jaehwan laughed softly, nodded. "Of course," he said. "Like you've worked so hard and then it's there—it's just like a concert, comeback, that sort of feeling."

"No, but it's even _more_. Like..." Taekwoon trailed off, pursing his lips as he thought.

"Like new undergrowth?" Jaehwan said, following up his words with a cackle. He was making fun of what Taekwoon had said during his Masked Singer interview, now that it'd aired, and Taekwoon knew it. Taekwoon smacked him on the shoulder, the one that he wasn't leaning on.

"It made sense in my head," Taekwoon said. "I don't know what I meant after I said it either."

"And you say _I_ don't make sense," Jaehwan said.

"Like spring," Taekwoon said, ignoring Jaehwan.

"Masked Singer?" Jaehwan asked, frowning.

"Today," Taekwoon said. His lips quirked in a small smile. "It had the feeling of spring, when everything blooms at once after the flower's worked hard when it's a bud."

Jaehwan laughed. "That only makes a little more sense," he said. Taekwoon dug his elbow into Jaehwan's chest, not bothering to otherwise move. He did sigh deeply however, a long exhale of acknowledgement that Jaehwan was probably right. Jaehwan was crunching on crackers again and it made his entire body move, jostling Taekwoon as well.

Taekwoon sat up, picking up the pepero box from where he'd put it down on the ground, tapping one out and holding it out to Jaehwan. Jaehwan's face broke out into a grin and he leaned forward to catch it in his mouth. He glanced at Taekwoon mischievously as he nibbled at it as if he were playing the pepero game, only with Taekwoon's finger. Taekwoon held back a laugh, especially when Jaehwan's wet tongue touched his skin.

"Gross," Taekwoon said, jerking his hand back. The rest of the pepero stick fell as Taekwoon wiped his hand on Jaehwan's shirt.

" _That's_ gross," Jaehwan said, shoving at Taekwoon.

"It's your own spit," Taekwoon said. Jaehwan made a face at Taekwoon but didn't whine more, only grabbed the box of pepero as well. He was hoarding both snacks now and Taekwoon looked at him fondly, even as Jaehwan kept them both protectively away from Taekwoon.

"Those are mine," Taekwoon said.

"They're mine now—hey!" Jaehwan shoved at Taekwoon but Taekwoon had snatched the crackers back and was smiling smugly at Jaehwan.

"I bought them," Taekwoon said.

"But you gave them to me," Jaehwan said. Taekwoon laughed and relented, holding out the bag for Jaehwan again, but keeping a firm hold on the bag so Jaehwan wouldn't take the whole thing. Pouting, Jaehwan picked out one of the crackers and let Taekwoon keep the bag, not that he had much choice.

"You always do this with Hakyeon-hyung," Jaehwan said suddenly. Taekwoon blinked, turned to frown at him. Jaehwan shrugged. "Hide outside to eat."

"No I don't," Taekwoon said reflexively.

"Don't think I don't know who's been eating my things all these years," Jaehwan said, jabbing a finger at Taekwoon. Taekwoon leaned forward and bit at it; Jaehwan cried as he yanked his hand back.

"I guess I should feel special," Jaehwan said once he'd settled down again. They'd gone through most of the crackers and should probably stop, especially with comeback coming up. But Taekwoon figured that just this once would be okay and it had been a big milestone today, the first dress rehearsal. He shrugged at Jaehwan's words.

"I guess," Taekwoon said quietly. He hadn't thought about it—at least, hadn't thought about it in this moment, in that way. Jaehwan _was_ special. Taekwoon bit at his lip, glancing towards Jaehwan. Jaehwan wasn't looking at him though, was looking straight ahead. He was playing with a pepero stick, twirling it between his fingers. Taekwoon traced Jaehwan's profile with his eyes, from the sharp shape of his nose to the line of his jaw, the set of his eyes, the jut of his throat. It was a familiar profile because it was a familiar face—Taekwoon hadn't noticed just how familiar it had become, hadn't notice just how much time he'd spent looking at it, watching it, nearly memorising it. The way Jaehwan's cheeks got when he was angry, the soft corners of his eyes when he was tired, his mouth wide as he laughed. Taekwoon's own lip was still caught between his teeth when Jaehwan suddenly did look towards him, and it was the light tug at the corner of Jaehwan's lips that he was greeted by, a quiet smile, an almost wry smile.

"Taekwoonie-hyung," Jaehwan said, and it was very soft, and Taekwoon wanted to pull Jaehwan towards him—instead, he pat Jaehwan on the head.

"Cute," he said.

"Ah, don't do that," Jaehwan whined, covering the top of his head with his hands. He pouted at Taekwoon, corners of his mouth turning down dramatically. Taekwoon patted Jaehwan on the head again for good measure, although this time it was more like several hard smacks at Jaehwan's hands, but it was the thought that counted.

Taekwoon laughed and then Jaehwan laughed, and Jaehwan shuffled over a little until they were sitting properly side by side, their shoulders touching.

_I don't always do this with Hakyeon_ , Taekwoon thought of saying, but that seemed too strange, and if he thought about it, Jaehwan might have been right. It'd been a habit from back when they were still trainees, and then it had just become natural, instead of eating alone. If he hadn't run into Jaehwan—but if Taekwoon were to be honest with himself, even if he hadn't run into Jaehwan by accident, he would've run into Jaehwan by purpose, even though he hadn't ended up buying any breads.

"Hakyeon said that it felt like everyone was growing away," Taekwoon said instead, and it almost felt like some sort of admission. The look that Jaehwan gave him was strange, one that Taekwoon couldn't quite decipher.

"That doesn't make sense," Jaehwan said. It was spoken softly, if not in volume then in tone.

"Why doesn't it?" Taekwoon asked. A pause. "I think he meant from him."

"Do you think so?" Jaehwan asked. "Or do you think he just meant you?"

Taekwoon's cheeks pulled tight and he shook his head. "I don't think so," he said softly—both in volume and in tone.

"He's always liked to meddle," Jaehwan said, words tinged with amusement.

"He said that too," Taekwoon said, and he didn't know why he remembered this, remembered another spring night—or had it been summer, or fall? Maybe he hadn't said that at all, maybe Taekwoon only thought he had.

"But Hakyeon-hyung's always been the one to keep us all together," Jaehwan said. "Even if the rest of us didn't always want to be together."

"Like you," Taekwoon said, snorting.

"Like _you_ ," Jaehwan shot back, and Jaehwan wasn't all wrong, even if he was wrong.

"You always give him the most trouble," Taekwoon said. Jaehwan laughed, not even denying it—there wasn't much point when even now, it was Jaehwan who got scolded the most during practice.

There was something more Taekwoon wanted to say, something more that Taekwoon wanted to give voice to, but he couldn't quite figure out what. It'd always been like this—half formed ideas that would sit on his tongue until the moment to say them had gone long past. But Jaehwan would take those same half-formed ideas and blurt them out, even if it wasn't always the best place or time.

"It's bad but I'm glad it's not always you two anymore," Jaehwan suddenly said. He immediately looked taken aback, as if shocked by his own words. He might've been. "It was like, if there was Taekwoon-hyung, there had to be Hakyeon-hyung, but now if it's you it's just you and...I like that."

Taekwoon wasn't sure what Jaehwan was saying, at least not in his words. But there was something in his voice that seemed to be on the verge of answering a question that Taekwoon had had for a long time. Jaehwan wasn't looking at him again, was avoiding looking at him. There'd been a sense that those last few words Jaehwan had said had slipped out with reluctance, or perhaps it was better to say that they had slipped out without Jaehwan really wanting them to, that Jaehwan had said them because they'd been there, and not because he'd thought to say them.

Again, like so many times that night, Taekwoon leaned against Jaehwan, his arms wrapping around Jaehwan in a side hug.

" _I only want to be with you, I only want to hug you,_ " Taekwoon sang softly, snatches from Someday that he sang so often. It was a good song, a nice song, and it had always suited his voice well.

" _I don't care about others' eyes, it's as if we're alone right now_." Jaehwan's voice floated quietly into the night to follow Taekwoon's. It wasn't a song with just the two of them, but for so much of the song, it was a song with just the two of them.

But it wasn't as if they were alone—they _were_ alone right now, it _was_ just the two of them.

" _I don't need anything else, I don't want anything that's not you_ ," and Taekwoon suddenly realised that he wasn't singing this for himself, or to sing with Jaehwan—in this moment, he was singing it to Jaehwan, for Jaehwan, and the thought made him pause. Briefly, ever so briefly, he wondered who Jaehwan might be singing it for; but then again, as Jaehwan's voice joined his in harmony: " _right here, right now, it's only you and me_ ," Taekwoon supposed it was alright to wonder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

∴∵∴

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Don't you find it scary that you're gonna fly back, and then it'll already be your first performance?" Jaehwan asked. They were both on Taekwoon's bed again, although it was Jaehwan lying under the covers and Taekwoon sitting upright against the headboard with his legs folded in front of him.

He glanced at Jaehwan.

"It can't be helped," Taekwoon said. "Mata Hari will start when Mata Hari starts, and VIXX things will happen when VIXX things happen."

"I wish I could go see the premier," Jaehwan said wistfully. "You would've gotten me tickets right?"

"Maybe," Taekwoon said. _Yes._

"You're supposed to say yes," Jaehwan said. Taekwoon shrugged.

"Maybe," he said again.

He kept thinking about making Jaehwan go back to his own bed, but he didn't really want to. And tomorrow, once they'd gotten to Fukuoka, Taekwoon would be rooming with Wonsik and Jaehwan would be rooming with Sanghyuk, as per Hakyeon's royal decree.

"Are you ready?" Jaehwan asked. And then: "you barely asked me for any advice."

Taekwoon shrugged, an answer to both questions.

"I'm nervous," Taekwoon admitted. A pause. "It is scary."

"There's gonna be a lot of people," Jaehwan said. He looked up at Taekwoon, head craning back a little.

"There will be," Taekwoon said. He was a little regretful that he'd had no choice but to miss the last dress rehearsals, that he wasn't there in those days leading up to what was to be the culmination of years of work. He was still in awe at how it had all come together—he could only imagine how the writer-nims felt, seeing their words, their music, their plans and sketches come to life like this.

He looked down at Jaehwan again, thought of climbing under the covers as well, of going to sleep with them both there, without even trying to tell Jaehwan to get out. It'd been years and years ago that Jaehwan had made his way into Taekwoon's bed that first time— _even though hyung was scary the sounds were scarier_ , Jaehwan had said, and just the memory brought a smile to Taekwoon's face.

How much things had changed since then.

"Y'know hyung, I think you make a good Armand."

Taekwoon squinted down at Jaehwan who shrugged, the sheets bunching up underneath him.

"Why?" he asked, the question that he knew Jaehwan was waiting for him to ask.

"'cause you're alike," Jaehwan said.

Taekwoon had no answer to that, could only continue to look at Jaehwan whose mouth eventually twisted into a wry smile, followed by a sigh.

"I don't think I could be Armand," Jaehwan said. "We're not alike at all."

"It's acting," Taekwoon said. And then: "musicals aren't like dramas, we're the ones who breathe life into the characters when we stand on the stage."

Jaehwan laughed, a small, breathy laugh.

"I wish I could be like Armand—how'd you put it, a man who could love innocently? but I'm not good at stuff like that," Jaehwan said.

"You don't have to be, to play a character," Taekwoon said. He paused, tongue flickering out over his lips for a brief moment. "If you played Armand, he would be a different Armand, but it wouldn't be wrong."

"Huh?"

Taekwoon caught his lip between his teeth for a moment as he met Jaehwan's eyes, as he met the thread of question in his gaze.

"There's no right or wrong way of falling in love," Taekwoon finally said.

Jaehwan laughed, a bark of laughter. "Ahh, that's so cheesy," he said. He folded his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling, his lips pursed in thought. "I dunno if I could love someone so wholeheartedly right away, not like Armand does, or like you do."

Taekwoon's heart skipped a beat inexplicably, his brows drawing into a deep frown. "How do you know?" he asked, and then shook his head. "How do you know that Armand—"

"I hear you practice a lot," Jaehwan said, cutting him off. Cutting Taekwoon's second question away. "I think I know all the lyrics now too."

"Then sing them," Taekwoon said. Jaehwan huffed.

It was quiet in the hotel room, with its plush chairs and sleek decor. It was strange how hotel rooms had once been the emptiest rooms they would sleep in, but now, two people in a room was double that of one.

"I think," Jaehwan said slowly, "I could only like someone if I was sure they liked me and they were too, otherwise I'd just be kinda pissed if I thought they were playing around or something."

Even as Taekwoon's eyes were steady on Jaehwan and even as Jaehwan was steadfastly staring up at the ceiling, a strange feeling, a strange notion, seemed to sound loudly within Taekwoon's chest. His tongue flickered over his lips but Taekwoon wasn't sure what would be the right thing to say here, if there was a right thing to say here.

"Maybe you're right," Taekwoon finally settled on, when it was clear that Jaehwan had punctuated his own thoughts with silence. Jaehwan still didn't look at him, was still looking straight up. "That I'm the type to be more...more honest."

It wasn't the word he wanted, not quite. Maybe he meant 'more open', or 'more direct', or maybe even 'more straightforward'. But he didn't think the word he wanted was 'innocent', no matter what Jaehwan said.

There was a soft hum, and then a soft laugh.

"But Armand falls in love with a spy, so maybe it's better not to be," Jaehwan said.

"No, he falls in love with the girl inside, not the spy or the Mata Hari on stage," Taekwoon said, and it was almost a rote response, an answer he'd given so many times before. "But he still likes all of her."

"Is that your answer?" Jaehwan asked. "To understanding your character?"

It was Taekwoon's turn to feel lost, confused, caught off guard. He didn't know that he'd been answering a question at all. Jaehwan sat up, pushing aside the blankets, stretching out the kinks in his neck and straightening his back. There was a sudden grin on his face, one of those bright smiles that always made Taekwoon smile as well.

"Leo-jjing!" Jaehwan sang out.

Taekwoon laughed, pressing his lips together. "You're strange," he said.

"I'm tired," Jaehwan said, like it explained something. He climbed off Taekwoon's bed, Taekwoon kicking Jaehwan's butt as he crawled past, laughing when Jaehwan rolled the last bit off and onto the floor.

"Then go sleep," Taekwoon said.

Jaehwan made a face at Taekwoon as his head popped back up above the side of Taekwoon's bed. Instead of going back to his own bed, Jaehwan hopped back up onto Taekwoon's.

Taekwoon shook his head, leaned back a little deeper against the headboard. Jaehwan simply sat there, brows lightly furrowed as if he were thinking, legs crossed in front of him. Taekwoon's mind wandered back to the concerts, even as he watched Jaehwan.

"A.N.G.E.L your angel," he sang softly to himself, forever amused at the image Jaehwan liked to cultivate of himself. Jaehwan looked at him strangely and Taekwoon simply shook his head again. He loved Jaehwan—the word caught him short, a stutter in even his unconscious thought before he forged on—but he was the furthest thing from an angel. And yet, when he smiled, there were times when he certainly looked like one. But maybe it wasn't all wrong—there was no reason angels could only be pure and soft

Right now, however, Jaehwan wasn't smiling although the creases between his brows had gone, the corner of his lip quirked just the smallest, thoughtfully. Jaehwan caught Taekwoon's eye and then shrugged.

"If it were me, I'd be nervous that I'd be gone for an entire week just before the premier," Jaehwan said. " _Even_ if I was practicing while I was gone."

"I am nervous," Taekwoon said. "I said that."

"I know," Jaehwan said. He moved back towards Taekwoon, throwing himself back against the headboard, hugging a pillow to his chest.

"There'll be a rehearsal before," Taekwoon said. "After I get back."

"A last rehearsal before the real thing," Jaehwan said. "Kinda like a concert. What if you forget your lines?"

"Over this week?" Taekwoon asked.

"I dunno, you're old, maybe you'll forget the lyrics," Jaehwan said, quickly holding up the pillow when Taekwoon made to hit him. Taekwoon settled for kicking Jaehwan in the leg instead, lips pressed together in annoyance.

"Or maybe you'll forget where to go on stage, or what the fight sequence is like, or where the other characters lines go in between your own," Jaehwan said. "Everything that needs more than one person."

Taekwoon sat back, watching Jaehwan for long moments as he spoke, and then as he stopped speaking.

He thought of Mata Hari and how the last rehearsal before the first performance would be. He thought of how it'd started from paper and pen, and how soon it would be brought properly to life. He thought of Armand, and then he thought about Jaehwan, and then he thought about what Jaehwan had said and wondered if it wasn't he who'd been answering a question that hadn't been asked, but if Jaehwan had answered a question that Taekwoon had never asked.

"Are you saying you'll practice with me?" Taekwoon asked, his words slow and measured.

" _Finally_ ," Jaehwan said. "I thought you'd never ask—if you're not gonna ask me for advice, at least ask me to practice."

"All of it?" Taekwoon asked. "Even the kiss scenes?"

Even as the words were leaving his mouth, Taekwoon felt embarrassment flood over him and he dropped his face to the bed. He wasn't expecting it when Jaehwan's hand was on his shoulder, prying him upright.

"Didn't I offer?" Jaehwan said. "Ages ago."

"You said it was a one time offer," Taekwoon pointed out. His tongue flickered out over his lips as he rubbed at his arm.

"And then I made another, just now," Jaehwan said, shrugging.

Without prompting, he moved over to Taekwoon, breaking into a grin. Jaehwan caught his lip between his teeth for a moment before he was leaning in, and like before, Taekwoon leaned forward just enough for their lips to touch, like he always did with Joohyun or Sohyang.

But Jaehwan's lips were softer and tasted faintly of strawberry, and Taekwoon stayed still for far too long, feeling Jaehwan's breath against his skin. He let his lips part, just a little, just enough so that he could catch Jaehwan's lip between his if he wanted, but not so much that he couldn't pull back, couldn't laugh it off.

But Jaehwan didn't pull away and Taekwoon didn't pull away, and hesitantly, slowly, Taekwoon closed his lips gently about Jaehwan's. Taekwoon's tongue flickered between them, brushing warm and damp against Jaehwan's lips. Breaths of hot air filled the space between them and Taekwoon could hear Jaehwan breathing, could _feel_ Jaehwan breathing as he sucked at Jaehwan's lip, hesitantly, tentatively, and then there was Jaehwan's hand at the back of his neck even as Jaehwan pulled back just enough to meet Taekwoon's eyes, his cheeks slightly flushed. Jaehwan held his gaze like that for several seconds, their foreheads near touching, his eyes never wavering. And then the corner of his mouth curled and Jaehwan let out a small puff of laughter and pulled Taekwoon so close that his eyes crossed when he tried to meet Jaehwan's.

"About damn time," Jaehwan said, and this time, his words slipped straight into Taekwoon's mouth.  


 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! [x](http://68.media.tumblr.com/1179ffcd02b9f15f25698a9972e0ff60/tumblr_ogetseqUcS1qe1p7so2_250.gif)  
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> the [annotated version with dates](https://t.co/95W7ZPwhuN) (in the comments, so doesn't seem to work on mobile...) that no one asked for. also, feel free to hit me up ~[enpleurs@cc](https://curiouscat.me/enpleurs)!  
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> [started from the bottom](http://68.media.tumblr.com/54f11f8a5e9b7424905c57dda527f7fc/tumblr_mlrzfl9mXL1qaa0sjo5_250.gif) and we [just do it now](http://68.media.tumblr.com/b33f214405af587618a953ec8e25c509/tumblr_on8dzl2agm1vlvi9do1_250.gif)  
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> * * *
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> thank you:  
> ★ to modnim for dealing with my flaky ass since the very start and for willingly helping me, and to k for actually giving this a read through and your input  
> ★ to team canon as a whole who indulged my poor writing habits  
> ★ to m for dragging me down the rabbit hole and everything keo, and i for everything vixx and for being an amazing fact checker  
> ★ to j for your support in everything and any choices i make good or bad (although i am glad i did not drop!)  
> ★ to everyone who knowingly or unknowingly were indispensable for writing this heh, as well as everyone who kept me company through this ordeal  
> ★ to you for reading! (ps if you catch any typos pls lmk!)
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>    
> ✿ and to my dearest m: you are not a weed but a flower, one who deserves all the love and care to grow and blossom into a beautiful summer bloom. thank you, i love you - forever your j  
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> 


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